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“Why yes!” I quipped “We were cellmates! I drew a picture of a woman on his back!”

Now, if you’re like me you think that’s pretty clever. If you’re like that little boy, you were briefly puzzled and then you forgot about it. If, however, you’re like one of the many teachers or parents who heard me quite clearly, then instead of talking to you I ought to be running. But I’m not talking, I’m writing, and the Web is a highly anonymous medium, so I’m not concerned.

I’d like to state clearly and for the record, I was only joking. The boy’s father tiled my bathroom, and apart from being a fan of the Doobie Brothers, has very little in common with Buzzy “Doberman” Yates, a man who’s unconditional love for me once had to be curbed with a homemade ‘shiv’. The implication regarding my Daughter’s classmate’s Father’s at least passive homosexuality was merely a Humorous device. I hardly know the man well enough to guess as to what floats his boat in the boudoir. Despite my habitually mincing gate, I myself know very little of the Insidious Vice of the French or their fine community.

The point is, having thought of a witty rejoinder it just seems a crime against humanity to hold it in. Just the other day I purchased a rug at a discount store. The less than helpful staff rolled the rug for me, but that was it. I asked if they had any strapping tape I could use, which they gave me. I then asked for a knife or scissors. After a lengthy pause, the unfiltered Camels habituate behind the desk asked, “What for?” Torn between responding

A.) “To cut my carotid artery right now.” or
B.) “I collect knives and scissors.” or
C.) “How else am I supposed to gouge your eyes out?”

I was unable to answer and eventually settled for silence and a brutal stomachache. (I toyed briefly with the cryptic “The better to see you with, my dear” but abandoned it as too cerebral.)

If a telemarketer says to you “This is a courtesy call”, aren’t you obliged to respond that the greatest courtesy would be if they’d take the phone and beat themselves about the privates until the chance of them contributing to the gene pool was significantly diminished, or if they were in the unfortunate position of already having reproduced they should beat their children instead? If a cabby says, “do you mind if I smoke”, is it really so bad to set them on fire? And if a third thing happens that really puts the capper on this pyramidal humor construct, mustn’t I, perforce, make a jibe still funnier than the two preceding it?

As my therapist says, “You can’t keep this stuff bottled up.” No wait, it wasn’t my therapist, it was a burly orderly during my most recent involuntary commitment, but the gist is still the same.

Yes, it’s true; politeness is a worthwhile social value. But when life serves up a straight line and you don’t jump on it, I’m pretty sure it says in the Bible that makes Jesus cry. That’s a religious value, and it’s well known religious values are the Paper to social values Rock. The value of Scissors has already been discussed.

And yes, as I was often instructed in childhood, nobody likes a Smart-Ass. But honestly, when did you last hear someone say, “I’m so glad we invited you. Everybody here just adores you because you’re such a Dumb-Ass”?

note: Mr. Mockery pretended to not speak English the last time a telemarketer called him with a “courtesy call”. You’d be amazed at how long they’ll still try to sell you something even if the only words you say are “I no speak a English!”

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Let’s first take a brief look into last year, the ‘beginning of the new millennium.’   Although the entertainment industry was a-boomin’ throughout the year, they didn’t seem to leave us a whole lot worth holding onto, now did they?  Musically, teen hotties and boy bands hogged the spotlight for what seemed like an eternity, always willing to drop another article of clothing or ‘crank it up a notch’ when the limelight began to fade.  Marilyn Manson was replaced as America’s most hated musician by the one and only Eminem, whose survival in the streets of Detroit has astounded us all thus far.

Speaking of roughing it, commercialized voyeurism took a turn for the worst as the networks realized that, as much as we all hate MTV’s The Real World and Road Rules, we’re all still watching it, either for the nasty cat-fights or the regularly scheduled sex scenes, or both.  Survivor brought us to a deserted island where the rodents are enjoyed extra-crispy and the nude run free.  How Richard pulled the whole thing off still baffles me to this day!  Survivor was accompanied by Big Brother, which, considering that a four-year-old with a camcorder and a free afternoon could done better, sucked the big one.  Of course, these programs were all designed with the one goal of bringing down ABC’s ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire.’  Well,Millionaire is still shown regularly and the others aren’t, so you do the math…

Among these greats from the year 2000, my personal favorite would have to be Fox’s ‘Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire,’ in which we witnessed a desperate Rick Rockwell enjoy an intense, intimate 15 minutes with his new and now former bride, Darva Conger.  “Why didn’t this whole thing work out?” Fox executives asked themselves as they watched the two battle for media rights the following week.  “I didn’t really take any of it seriously,” Darva told reporters.  “I just want this whole mess to get over with so I can have my old life back…”  Miss Conger’s naked goodies appeared in Playboy the following month.

Let’s not forget the tale of young Elian Gonzalez, whose storybook trip to America gave foreign cab drivers in Miami something else to do, other than refuse to give anyone rides, for a couple months.  ‘What do you do when you find a lost person?’  Return him to his parents?WRONG!  The correct answer is: shower him with toys, ice cream and trips to Disney World as our legal system decides what to do about something that was never our business to begin with!  For more information about how to join this amazing team, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to…

It was a very interesting year in the news, despite the fact that not a single positive event occurred.  Driver’s of the Ford Explorer got a nice suprise when it was suddenly announced last fall that, “Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that, ummm, well, there’s a good chance that you’re driving a death trap.  We wanted to use the euphemism, ‘coffin with wheels,’ but they’d probably end up blowing out anyways.”  Napster, the online utility used by computer geeks across the world to trade music, was attacked by artists such as Metallica and others, who apparently are confused with the concept that people are tired of paying $18 for a cd with only three listenable songs on it.  We also saw our good friend and comedian Dennis Miller test the waters in an occupation that will no doubt be filled by someone else next season, the professional football announcer.  Let’s face it, expecting Monday Night Football fans to both understand and appreciate the witty and insightful rants of Dennis Miller is like expecting the President of the United States to make it through an entire term without doing coke, soliciting illegal funds or sleeping with his entire secretarial staff.  It’s a nice goal, but it just ain’t gonna happen!

The sad part is, folks, that’s it.  This is all that we’ve seen in the last twelve months, or at least all that I could remember while I was slapping this together.  Of course, there was that wholeelection thing, with Florida and the recounts and all, but I think we’ve heard enough of that for now.  Besides, after the dust settles, I’m sure President Chad, errr…., I mean President Bush, will do a fabulous job, or at least fill the Commander in Chief’s mediocre shoes to the point where we’ve all come to realize that, honestly, it doesn’t really matter who the president is.  Democracy is a goofy concept, but it gets us by…

So enjoy the year 2001 and while you’re out there, try to stir up some news for us so we can fill some more text books for our children, will ya?  I know it may not seem like a big deal now, but when your kids come to you for help with their homework on the battle of Temptation Island and the historical significance of the Election Inspection 2000, you can proudly say,“Sorry, I must’ve been asleep that year…”

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