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Anyways, in all my time online I’ve seen just about every hoax in the book, from the free trips to Disney World care of Bill Gates to the boy who woke up to find that his kidneys had been stolen, so it takes a lot to catch my attention with crap like this.  I like to consider myself pretty hip with the times when it comes to happenings on the Internet, but when I was exposed to this for the first time, I truly began to realize what a sad, sad world we live in…

The original tip took place, believe it or not, offline.  That’s right, I was not on the Internet when I got wind of this!  The actual conversation went something like this, although the names have been changed and the dialogue has been converted to a chat-like style because I felt like it:

Acquaintance:  Hi, Scott!  How are you?
Me: I’m great!  Yourself?
Acquaintance: Good.
-- Brief Pause –
Acquaintance: Hey Scott, do you use the computer much?
Me: Uh, a little, I guess…
Acquaintance: Hmmm.  Are you ever on the Internet?
Me: Well, I suppose you could say that… 
[sarcasm begins to build]
Acquaintance: Well, do you ever buy things over the Internet?
Me: Yeah, I’ve been known to do that from time to time.  
(What is this, Twenty Questions?)
Acquaintance: Have you ever heard of a company paying you for buying something from them?
Me: No!  Why, who’s scamming you???  
[I still don’t get it yet…]
Acquaintance: Oh no, no, it’s not like that at all.  I just buy anything I want from these guys, and then at the end of the month they cut me a check.
Me: Oh, neat.  
[I’ve had enough – backing away]
Acquaintance: What are you doing Friday night?
Me: I beg your pardon?!?!  
[Keep in mind, this is a guy I’m talking with]
Acquaintance: Well, I thought maybe I could come over and show you what this is all about…
Me: What is this, Amway on the Internet???  
[Reality kicks in…]
SalesmanInDisguise: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, although it’s really a lot more than that…
Me: Bye!

This was a big deal for me because:

1. I’d never really been approached by a salesman like this before
2. the guy doing the selling was not (putting it lightly) the kind of person that should be allowed near expensive things
3. I needed an idea for a column and it sounded really funny in my head.

I tried to get the actual Internet address from him after the conversation, but he insisted that “It would be best if he showed it to me in person!”  Loosely translated, this means, “I won’t be able to collect any commissions from you if you go there on your own.”  I hate to break it to ya, but you wouldn’t have made much off of my purchases, anyways…  Fortunately, they have these things on the Internet called search engines, so I fired up good old Yahoo! and guess what I found!

10,000 hits for Amway, and a clean 71 hits for Amway sucks!  It was hard to choose, but I’m sure you can all figure out which one I picked!  Apparently Amway is much more than a home wrecking, financially devastating program; thanks to the Internet, Amway is now considered legally a cult!  Neat, eh?  I sorted through pages and pages of arguments, one for – two against, and so on, and after some careful consideration, I figured out how to be successful with Amway (or any other program that is Not-Amway).  For your viewing pleasure, I’ve diagrammed my plan very briefly:

Feel free to use the detailed plan I’ve laid out for you here to make it big and live out your wildest dreams!   I’d carry out this plan myself, of course, except that I’ll be busy for the next two weeks down in Jamaica, doing research, that is.  Just doing a little research for my next column about, uh, funny things that happen in Jamaica.  Come to think of it, better make it three – I could be on to something here!

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I am 27 years old, 5’7″ tall, and weigh 125 pounds.  I’ve only ever had one boyfriend (we broke up after just a few weeks), and I know this is because I ‘m so obese.  Although I’m a (reasonably) attractive brunette, have a master’ s degree and a good-paying job, love sports, and have a good sense of humor, men just can’t seem to look beyond my weight problem.

I’ve become very depressed about this, and I wonder: am I destined to be an old maid?

Lonely,
Evelyn in Wyoming

Savannah Says:

Why, oh why, can’t society accept the fact that not all women can be a perfect size “-2” like Lara Flynn Boyle?  My goodness, the aggregate mass of my bones alone is more than Callista Flockhart’s entire body weight.  Is it so wrong to be a size 4?

I’m going to assume that you’ve tried to lose the excess weight, dear, but if you haven’t then by all means you must begin soon.  It’s very unhealthy to lug around all that extra lard.  Your heart could give out any minute!  If you simply can’t bring yourself to throw up after every meal (a tried-and-true weight loss method, although the long-term effects include shortening your lifespan significantly), then try snacking on cotton balls to quell those pesky food cravings.

If you’ve tried to lose weight but feel you’re as thin as you’re likely to get, don’t despair.  The future may not be as bleak as you picture it.  I have a few suggestions on how you might still find happiness.

First, you have to accept the fact that you’re never going to be Miss America.  You’re never going to be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  And you will never, ever to be that ultimate expression of American womanhood: the Playboy centerfold.  Once you’ve accepted this reality, you can move on to a productive life that includes a string of loving and fulfilling relationships.  Simply narrow your options and set your sights on more attainable goals.  Hone your domestic skills, learn how to discuss the finer points of motor vehicle maintenance, and then simply go to the places where men are available and not too picky.  Soon, instead of being depressed, you’ll be aglow with the flush of young love.

The key to your romantic happiness is finding a place where women with your body type are appreciated . Next, you must move there.  For example, Ukrainian men revere matronly ladies, so head for eastern Europe!  If you’re not quite that large, try Mexico.  Those hot-blooded Latinos just love their women to be amply curvaceous! (And, really, would shacking up with a rich resort owner in Puerto Vallarta be so bad?)

If you don’t like the idea of narrowing your search to include only men who like plump women, why not consider moving to a place where women of any kind simply are in short supply?  Alaska, Antarctica, and Lapland all spring to mind. In these places, men aren’t going to be overly picky about the physical appearance of the eligible women in the area.  They want competent women who can cook, clean, sew, and chop wood.  Coming from Wyoming, you probably have experience in all of these areas – experience that would make you a prize filly in the hinterlands!

If all else fails, you might consider moving to Afghanistan.  The main advantage to this plan is that you’ll always be covered from head to toe in flowing robes, so your prospective groom won’t know you’re carrying those extra pounds until the wedding night.  Other advantages include being escorted everywhere you go, either by your husband or by male members of his family, wearing a burqa veil at all times (freeing you from making difficult wardrobe decisions), and freedom from holding a job.  If that doesn’t sound like heaven, what does?  Good luck, dear!

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