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Still here?  Great, now prepare for more insight than we saw during the OJ case as I tell a story about one of the best concerts I’ve ever seen!  Those of you who know me as a die-hard rock ‘n roll fan need not worry, as I won’t be throwing out my Aerosmith CDs any time soon, but I definitely have been swayed by the titillating beat boasted by dance music.  However before I get into my review of the actual show, I think something needs to be said about the audience itself:

Take a quick trip around your neighborhood with a burlap sack.  Collect as many cats as possible (including the strays).  Next go to your local laundry mat and, after finding the largest drying machine they have, empty your bag of cats into the machine.  To cap the scenario, climb inside and ask the attendant to set the dryer on permanent press for three hours.  For an even more complete experience, have the attendant play Britney’s latest CD on a small boom box set to the lowest audible setting.

To say that it was loud would be a horrendous understatement because this concert was undoubtedly noisier than any show I have ever been to, and let me remind you that I’ve seen nearly every hardcore rock group from Aerosmith to ZZ Top, but this one left my ears ringing longer than most of these combined!  You know that kid who’s always screaming ahead of you in line at the grocery store?  Imagine going on a field trip with her and twenty thousand of her play pals and you’re beginning to come close to the ear-splitting adventure that I went through last night.

My biggest question was this: where are these children’s parents???  Well, that’s actually pretty easy because they were sitting at the end of the row, typically reading a book or focusing on just about anything except their own kin.  Now I’m not condoning child abuse or anything, but when your child thinks it’s ok to scream for an hour and a half straight, it’s time to lay the smack down!  Trust me, I was excited, too, but I still had my voice at the end of the show.  Of course, I’m only assuming that I still had the power of speech due to the fact that I couldn’t hear a damn thing, but I’m not the kind of person who screams at a concert like someone who isn’t allowed out of the house much.  This is really the only explanation I’ve  been able to come up with because the six little girls who were sitting behind me screamed at everything, from the quiet time between songs when Britney was talking to the moments when she wasn’t even onstage!  I suppose I can understand screaming after each song as an alternative to applause, but as we entered into hour number two, I was just about to take matters into my own hands.  Nevertheless, I have absolutely no desire to spend my holiday developing ways to avoid ‘dropping the soap,’ so I went for a walk instead…

And my oh my, what a walk it was!  Now perhaps I just don’t get out as much as I should these days, but what’s this world coming to???  Once again, I’ve been to my share of rock shows and we all know what kinds of, well, attire, the ladies have been known to wear around these things, but let’s remember: the majority of this audience had yet to become eligible for their learner’s permits!  Yet at the same time these tiny, innocent, teenage girls were strutting around in some of the most pornographic, prostitutional clothing I have ever seen – the types of outfits typically reserved for biker bars, strip clubs, late-night movies onCinemax and just about every single fantasy that will never happen to me.

There was enough leather and latex in the air to turn Mr. Rogers into a pedophile and it really makes me wonder what these children’s parents were thinking when they let little Jenny out the door that night, or even worse, what about the ones whose parents accompanied them to the show and dressed the same way?!?!?!  Even though there were a few older guys in attendance other than us, the bulk of the people were nonetheless women, or little girls I should say, so is it just in the presentation or what?  I can recall a similar incident when the same friend and I took a trip down to Universal Studios in Orlando – hundreds and hundreds of little girls running around in clothing that would put their Grandmothers into comas and you’re faced with that one question: to look or not to look???  If I do glance over, even just to think ‘What the hell?’ I’m instantly considered a pervert, but if I don’t look and she ends up actually being less than five years younger than I am, I’ve let my entire gender down…

So I’m a pervert, and guess what?  I’m ok with that.

Back to the show, though, there were some quality moments during the actual performance that must be noted.  The concert was opened by O-Town, the very band which was actually created through ABC’s Making the Band series last year, which was pretty cool.  They sounded almost exactly like their CD, which I think is somewhat of a lost cause in today’s society – most of the bands who don’t sound like their CDs when playing live end up sounding considerably worse, so at least it’s nice to hear what you’re expecting.

About two hours later, the vocal cords of several nearby teenyboppers were beginning to break down, which it gave our ears a much-needed break!   Britney came out on stage in pretty much the same manner as she had during her HBO special and, after a short deliberation, we decided that there was just no way that she had gotten the rumored implants that had previously plagued us before.  Honestly, the show was pretty good considering the type of music.  It was completely different than what I was used to seeing and that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.  The choreography was simply amazing and being someone who can hardly walk in a crowd, let alone dance, I couldn’t even imagine the amount of time that these guys and girls spent working this stuff out!  I’ll stick to the writing, thank-you!

My one regret was that I didn’t bring a camera because although the tickets specifically said no cameras and they’ve always been sticklers about it in the past, apparently it wasn’t a big deal this time.  I started to wonder when I noticed that the people in the suite below us had casually left their cameras out on the table for anyone to see, but the icing on the cake was definitely when a couple young girls asked one of the security guards to take their picture and she actually did it!  I’ve seen people get cameras confiscated and even get kicked out for pulling this kind of stuff, but then again, is it even legal to kick someone out when it’s barely thirty degrees outside???

Bottom line: it was a great show and I had a blast, despite my bleeding ears and pedophilistic behaviors.  The sheer loudness left my ears ringing longer than any rock concert ever has, but it was all worth it…

Give me a call the next time you’re in the area, Brit!  We’ll do lunch…

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Look at Monday Night Football for example. Al Michaels has years of broadcasting experience, yet the need to bring in comedian Dennis Miller, who has absolutely no sports background to his name, and only having a bitterly sarcastic repartee, seemed appropriate. In fact, the only sports he’s witnessed is the MTV’s Rock and Jock Softball extravaganza. And I don’t even think this constitutes as sports, because half the starting lineup are Playboy Playmates, whose boobs are as real as Milli Vanilli’s career. So who’s to blame? Al Michaels? BC? Milli Vanilli thought they should ‘Blame It On the Rain,’ but we all know how that turned out.

Now, by adding Dennis Miller to the lineup, this proves to me that ABC believes that Al Michaels and Dan Fouts are as exciting as the 2000 election, in which I felt, being a democrat, I got screwed. But, then again, anytime you have a Bush and a Dick in the White House, someone’s going to get screwed.

Programs have become so boring nowadays; networks have reverted to reality shows for high ratings, like Survivor. I don’t know why people were so obsessed with this show, it’s been done before. I believe the first person to get kicked off the island was Herve Villachaise. And a reality show? Following around a naked, gay guy. Whose reality is this? I’ve never been inclined to wake up and find the closest gay man to build a raft out of nothing. I mean if this is reality, I’ll leave the island voluntarily.

Talking about boring programming, we now have a 24-hour weather channel. I read that the founders wanted this to occur sooner, but they didn’t have the technology. Didn’t have the technology? All they had to do was set up a camcorder and have it shoot outside. You’d get the same effect as the program now, ending with the channel being changed after five minutes of exposure.

If you look at programs nowadays, they’re always trying to do something. The only show that didn’t do something was Seinfeld. Seinfeld was a show about nothing. I’d like to think this show was about nothing, but every time I sat down and watched it, I saw something. Even though that something really wasn’t anything, the fact that I saw something made it not nothing, which gave Seinfeld its own thing. Imagine that, a half hour show about nothing. Isn’t that something?

And if a program doesn’t have a crazy premise, it’s something else that brings a falling show back into business. These ratings come from the show’s newsmaker, like Ally McBeal’s Calista Flockhart, who is still being criticized for malnutrition, forcing her to quiver in a manner that similar to a flamenco gathering in the lower valley hosted by Jennifer Lopez’ buttocks. It’s
almost as if she ran over the gypsy in Richard Bachman’s Thinner. People still watch this show just to see how thin she’ll get, ultimately hoping she’ll get down to her skeletal domain’s counterpart, Mumra from the Thundercats.

The Ellen show had its share with the show’s newsmaker, when Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet. As soon as she and her character announced she was gay, the show actually had one of its highest ratings. Unfortunately, it was cancelled shortly after that, wondering if the writers feared that if they urged on this subject, they would’ve taken a good licking.

Shows about shows have rendered high ratings because of a casts’ mishaps. I turned on E entertainment and saw a True Hollywood story on the Different Strokes’ kids. How would you have liked to been adopted by this family? Dana Plato, who played Kimberly, had more problems with illegal products than United States Immigration. Todd Bridges, who played Willis, went from shooting a series to a series of shootings. And Gary Coleman, his career was just left short. I wonder where Mr. Drummond went wrong.

And it’s not just limited to creative programming. News broadcasts try to gain ratings by informing the public of bizarre newscasts. I remember a huge story was when Melissa Etheridge reported that she had David Crosby’s children. Apparently, David Crosby wants to start a new band called, Crosby Still Has Young.

But there are so many potential advancements in broadcasting; it’s a shame we have to be a part of these advancements. We need to bring back shows like I Love Lucy and Gunsmoke. Where have all the cowboys gone?

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Unlike that idiotic crap you usually print, I have a real problem.  I’m engaged to be married after the baby comes because I don’t want to look fat in my wedding dress.

That’s not my problem.  My problem is, I just found out my fiancé has been cheating on me.

I had my suspicions all along.  Not too long ago, I was going through the voicemail box on his cell phone (he doesn’t know I have his security code, but I greased his secretary with a 10-spot and she coughed it up) and discovered a message from “Vanessa.”  That’s it.  Just “Vanessa” and a phone number.

Now, I come from a big family, and people talk.  So, I casually asked my cousin Tracy if she knew anyone named Vanessa.  She said she didn’t, BUT she’d heard our cousin Phil mention a Vanessa once.

Phil told me he couldn’t remember any Vanessa, but he knew a convenience store clerk named “Leigh Ann” who was pretty hot.  She works in the next town over.  So, I took a drive to see Leigh Ann.  She’s young, with long red hair, and boobs that look fake.  She’s definitely pretty hot.

As I paid for my Slurpee, I casually asked her if she knew anyone named Randy (my fiance’s name).  She thought for a minute and said she gets a lot of customers and can’t remember all their names.  BUT, I noticed she had a tattoo on her wrist that said “Loverboy,” which is Randy’s favorite ‘80s band.

When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from Taryn, another cousin, who told me she knew of a girl named Vanessa in Lakewood who works in a lingerie shop.  So, I drove all the way up to Lakewood, but it turned out Vanessa wasn’t working that day.

BUT, I talked to her co-workers, and they said Vanessa (who is very cute) is dating a guy named Lance, and they’ve been going out for over two years.  I asked if Vanessa knew anyone named Randy, and the other clerk, Jessica, said she didn’t know, BUT Vanessa has a totally hot body and likes to wear lace thong panties to show off her cute butt. Randy likes cute butts.  AND her favorite mall drink is Orange Julius, which is also Randy’s favorite.

Since I was already in Lakewood, I called my cousin Moose over in Erindale to see if he wanted to have lunch.  He has a good job and usually will treat.  So, we get together at the Dairy Queen, and just then my cell phone rings.  My cousin Elaine tells me she just remembered the 1998 LeSeur County Pork Princess was named Vanessa.  She doesn’t know the girl’s last name, or where she is today, BUT Randy’s favorite meat is pork. AND he likes princesses.  He cried like a baby when Princess Diana died.

I confronted Randy with all this evidence of his affair, but naturally he denied it.  He told me he loved me, and he thought maybe my hormones were a little out of control.  He said it’s possible he has a policyholder named Vanessa. (He’s an insurance salesman.)  What else would he say, though?  Of course he’s going to deny having an affair!

I’m thinking of calling off the wedding until he comes clean with me and admits his cheating ways.  What do you think?

Sincerely,

Distraught in the Midwest

Savannah Says:

I applaud your excellent detective work.  A girl can never be too thorough in investigating allegations of cheating.

It’s lamentable the way men have to drag out these scenarios.  If only Randy would admit his wrongdoing, the two of you could walk the path of atonement and shopping.  Instead, you’re looking at tears and recriminations.  How much credit card agony could be spared if only Randy would tell the truth.

I would go ahead with the wedding as planned.  If he’s cheating on you now, chances are he’ll do it again.  And if you can catch him doing it after you’re married, the rewards for you will be so much greater.

Good luck, dear!

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