My parents, who are still Catholic, convinced me to go to church on Christmas this year. It was the first time since high school that I’ve seen the inside of one. I had no idea what to do, guessing that the majority of the time we would spend sitting, standing, and then kneeling. And I was correct, except it was in a different order. I had no problem with this, because as I said, I’m now comfortable with my life and not with this moment, because the pews are very wood and very hard on my butt.

The only problem when dealing with religion is that I find that if someone is involved in a religion other than Catholicism, or even Buddhism for that matter, he/she tends to believe that his/her’s is better. Very often, a person of a different denomination will snicker when he hears that I meditate, and regularly do Yoga. I don’t criticize this person because he’s, let’s say, a Jehovah’s Witness. I’d like to, but every time he comes over, I hide behind the couch. I whisper to myself, “Be quiet. Maybe he’ll go away.” This, as if I’m hiding from trick-or-treaters, another group of people that others seem to snicker at. Or at least, throw snickers at.

Traditionally, religion only mainly consisted of the five major ones; Catholicism, Judaism, Hinduism, Muslim, and Buddhism. I suppose we can add Protestant also. And it seemed that so much had to been gone through to be a part of one of these religions.

Now, a religion is classified as (using the standard dictionary definition), a specific system of belief or worship, built around God, a code of ethics, a philosophy of life, and most recently, a comet called Hale Bop, where almost anyone can take part. And anyone does take part.

Just a few years ago, a religious cult named Heaven’s Gate, flooded the newspapers. These people were convinced that a comet was their ticket to the land that’s very much sought. Unfortunately, these people were out of their freaking minds. Not so much about believing what they did about a comet, but the requirements that this cult consisted of. How would you have liked to been approached by the recruiter for this cult?

“Okay Jason, you said you like Mark Twain. Did you know that he was born and he died on the night of a Halley’s comet?”
“Interesting,” I’d say.
“Speaking of comets, we are very impressed with this comet, Hale Bop. And you also get a brand new pair of Nike’s.”
“That’s great,” I’ll reply.
“And when you’re castrated, you’ll… hey where you going?”
“I have to go do something,” I’d interrupt nervously and haul out of there.

This wasn’t the only group of insane people out there. Before this one, there were the people of David Koresh. Now I’m sorry, I can’t be part of a religion that consists of impregnating a 12-year-old girl (as in the case with the Branch Davidians) or castration. I mean, that’s just me.

But I commend these folks for trying to improve their lives, by joining a religion to satisfy themselves and to take them away from the craziness they’re subjected to, obviously worse than what these cults offered. Maybe, these people were both castrated and pregnant before they joined.

Sometimes, we see people finding religion, or in better words, religion finding them. This usually takes place with criminals, and other people involved in violent acts, the minute they’re caught by the authorities. We see it all the time. An alleged murderer would be sitting in the back of a police car, indicating that he’s okay because he just found Jesus. Apparently, Jesus is sitting next to him in the squad car. This man thinks he found the Son of God, but really, he found the Son of Sam, his future cellmate. He, too, thinks that joining a religion will benefit his life, and maybe instead of getting three life terms, he’ll only receive two terms for his beliefs.

I don’t care about people joining cults, switching religions, or even finding religion every once in a while. The thing that bothers me is the people that shove their beliefs down your throat to the point that you step back and utter, “Where do you get off saying that your religion is better than anybody else’s?”, until they finally leave your front doorstep and continue on to your next door neighbor’s.

It almost seems that people like this join religions because someone else shoved it down their throats, so they feel they should do the same. That’s what I think happened to Heaven’s Gate, because Do (pronounced Do) approached them and the new pair of retro Nike’s was too much to turn down. This gift was worth listening to hours of beliefs about a comet that didn’t make sense anyway. Because if the shoes weren’t employed, a sane person would have jumped to the occasion to ask, “Isn’t this comet really hot? And doesn’t it go faster than the speed of light? If this is the case, where will we sit down? And does this comet have appropriate seat belts and air bags? And, by the way, isn’t Do a deer, a female deer?”

Because that’s an important issue when joining a religion, at least for me it is. I want to know that this will improve my life, and not add more risk to my already existing one. Isn’t that what religion is for? To improve your life?

So in conclusion, if there are people out there interested in improving their lives, sit down and really think about where you want to go and what’s the best path to get there. Either that or buy a membership to the local YMCA, because after a few months at the gym, you’ll feel much better, which in effect does improve your life. And who knows, you might meet a cute girl or guy there. I have, unfortunately she’s one of those crazy cult chicks.

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Earlier this month, NBC renewed television’s top-rated sitcom, Friends, for its ninth and final season, quite the monumental occasion for two distinct reasons:

• For the past eight years, Friends has acted as an antidote for all that is wrong with our lives in this day and age, leaving us wondering how we’ll be able to sleep at night after it’s off the air.
• The contract between the six principle cast members of Friends and NBC promises each of the Friends a whopping $1 million per episode, totaling a cool $24 million for the season, each, leaving us wondering how they’ll be able to sleep at night…

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed Friends over the years just as much as everyone else, although I must point out that I wasn’t the least bit emotional when that one guy dumped the one girl to go out with the other girl – hell, you’d need a flow-chart to keep these things straight and I’m just too lazy to devote that kind of time!  Nevertheless, seeing as I’m not personally paying them out of my own pocket, I can openly say that the show is hilarious and worth every penny.  Honestly, entertainment is really the only thing worth spending money on in this day and age, and if it comes down to a toss up between the entertainers themselves getting a bulky paycheck or some executive producer who’s never even seen the show, well then by all means, give Matthew Perry and his friends a raise!

It’s not really uncommon to see these kinds of numbers as the final season of a popular television series is announced, but they’re still typically staggering enough to blow any of us who actually work for a living clean out of the water!  Only a few years ago, Jerry Seinfeld and Tim Allen both finished up their last seasons, bringing home over a million dollars per episode each, although it was common knowledge that their supporting actors comparably earned only a fraction.  Mad About You co-stars Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt raised the bar by requiring equal salaries for their last episodes, but who’d have ever thought it would’ve gone this far?  Friends is now the most expensive half-hour sitcom in television history, which leaves me with this question: Where do we go from here?

Think about it – when Friends is gone next year, the only primetime programming left from the last millennium, aside from FOX’s The Simpsons, will be Frasier and that alone is enough to leave me worrying about how I’m going to be spending my evenings in the future!  The war between Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and The Weakest Link has left both networks realizing that instead of throwing all of their money away, even though the game show market technically died in the ‘80s, maybe they should’ve been using it to come up with some new programming.  I refuse to watch anything starring Reba McIntyre or any of the previous cast members from Seinfeld, with the exception of, oh say Jerry Seinfeld, so they’d better not even think about putting the six friends through the same ordeal!

We’re all getting tired of the reality TV kick, too, and I’ll be the first to admit that as much as I’d enjoyed the previous seasons of Survivor, that’s getting a bit old, too.  I’m honestly surprised that Fear Factor actually got renewed for a second season – I guess I just didn’t realize that there were any disgusting things left to consume after the first season!  Needless to say, we’re running out of entertainment fast here, people, and before we know it, we’ll be spending our time outside, playing baseball and interacting with our fellow man…what’s it going to take to get these networks to understand that this can’t be allowed to happen?!?!?!?

So what’s my solution to this huge mess?  The way I see it, there are two methods that could be used to overcome this obstacle:

1. Mope around, assuming that the problem will take care of itself.  Threaten to fire any writers who don’t turn in some good ideas before they leave for the weekend.  Come Monday, hire a new band of writers and start the process all over again.  Note that although this doesn’t really solve the problem, it’s fairly cheap…
2. Send me a check.  Put a few extra zeroes behind it and I’ll come up with the best comedy you’ve ever seen – what’ve you got to lose, other than ratings and sponsors, of course?

Although I’m guessing that they’ll most likely attempt the first method, don’t say I didn’t offer!  Just let it be known that while the networks are vainly trying to win back viewers with That ‘90s Show, The George Whent Show and The Weakest Link – Friends Edition, I’ll be out doing the one thing that I dread most of all – physical activity.

Ok, so I’ll probably really be taking a nap, but I’ll definitely be dreaming about doing physical work!  Nevertheless, just in case NBC or ABC want to call to negotiate about that deal, I’ll keep my phone by the bedside…

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Last night, after having worked an eight-hour day, I prepared and served dinner.  I clean as I go so after dinner the only dirty dishes to be washed consisted of two bowls, two spoons and two glasses.  Feeling waves of exhaustion, I decided I would wash them up the following morning before going to work.

From there I made my way to the bathroom and as I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I realized as soon as I put my head on the pillow I would be fast asleep.  I was so tired.  After changing into my pajamas (a Wal-Mart rayon blend, which I would wear 24/7 if I could), I headed to the kitchen one last time for a small glass of orange juice.  It seems I just won’t be satisfied unless I’m up three times a night getting rid of excess fluids, to put it nicely.

Low and behold, my dear husband had cleaned out the refrigerator for me.  It would appear I married the original good deed-doer but before you say, “Aw…how sweet,” let me interpret this favor for you.  His part of the favor doing consisted of setting four Tupperware bowls and some cookware he had brought home from work on the kitchen counter for me to clean out and wash the following morning.

Golly gee, he shouldn’t have and I hope he never does again.

Being the epitome of a sweet, southern wife, naturally I pitched a near-midnight twit-fit, which caused him to scurry off to bed with dog in tow to play possum.  I, on the other hand, washed all of the dishes.  Not only did I wash them, you could hear every item I washed, excluding glassware, because of the loud banging sound that echoed as I set them aside to dry.

Having closed down the kitchen for the second and final time for the evening, I pounded my way back to the bedroom and explained, once again, that had he really wanted to help out, it would be nice if he had actually completed the ‘work’ part of the favor.

Actually, he did come into the kitchen (he is so brave) at one point to say he would take over the dish washing, or dish-attacking – however you want to view it, responsibilities but feeling rather self-righteous I gave a resounding, “No!”

Boy – that showed him!

After retiring to bed, I began to consider how hard he had worked during the day, not only at his business but the tireless extra hours he was putting into remodeling our new house, which we will be moving into this spring.  I realized I had married Superman after all, but I still have no desire to be Wonder Woman.  However, I can make certain exceptions.

Just don’t expect me to don a ‘Lynda Carter’ outfit and fly an invisible plane.  The plane wouldn’t get a foot off of the ground before ripping apart and neither would the outfit.

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I can not speak for anyone else for whatever reasons they have placed singles ads OR what they are hoping to find from it — this is only my personal point of view — I myself have been out of the dating loop for quite sometime – it has been a few years BUT, I have been lucky enough OR fortunate enough that I have had some very good relationships with women in the past BUT, now some years later & some pounds heavier – I am finding out at least for me – the dating scene is a complete & total NIGHTMARE — in the hopes of finding love OR romance — I have placed ads at pretty much every singles & dating website on the internet — so far the experience has been nothing less than excruciatingly painful – 

The sad, cold, bitter truth is that, the ads I have gotten the most response from are those that I never included a picture of myself with — women have written to me in response to these ads on the fact of how much they truly loved my ad AND they would like to know if I could also send them a picture of myself — I do so and then – I never hear from them again – if I persist in writing to them to ask whatever had happened to them – I may only get the response to PLEASE never write them again — THERE can only be one reason for this — they did not find me to be an attractive looking man ———> 

— to be honest though I have never thought of myself as the elephant man – I have had a variety of women through my life flirt with me – even growing up, as a child & through the years – I have been hit on by quite a few of my Moms lady friends – SO, at least I know that there was at least one time in my life that I was found somewhat desirable ———- the bottom line is that NO woman ANYWHERE will EVER find a more loving, caring man anywhere BUT, I just feel that I am being judged by my looks OR lack of – 

IF only life could imitate art — I suppose I am just the BEAST looking for the beautiful PRINCESS – who, can see the good in my heart BUT, fairytales just do NOT come true.

Sincerely,

A. Nonymous
East Anonymia

Savannah Says:

I don’t like to brag, but I must admit I’ve always been on the cutting edge of trends.  My finger just naturally rests on the pulse of society, I guess.

This week, dear readers, you will benefit from my trendspotting ability, because I’ve done it once again.  I’m the first to discover a new website so hip, so totally awesome, that I can’t believe it’s still a secret.  And I’m announcing its existence to the world right now, so you can all benefit from it.  It’s called “eBay,” and it’s an online auction website!

I discovered eBay this weekend.  Rothrock had passed ou…er, retired for the evening, so I amused myself by “surfing” the internet.  (That’s what we hip people call it when we travel from website to website.) eBay is a huge international marketplace.  I rummaged through Rock’s wallet until I found his gold card, and then I bought him 74 vintage umbrellas, a 1940s novelty tie, and some purplish show chickens.  He’ll be so surprised!

They also sell photographs, and that’s where you come in, Nonymous.  Simply go to eBay and purchase some more attractive pictures of “yourself.”  Problem solved!

Good luck, dear!

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes

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