The doll caused customer complaints, Wal-Mart officials said, since it promoted the wrong values and might have a negative influence on young girls.

Mattel, the makers of Barbie, last week announced that they have considered the critique and is now planning a new version of Midge to dodge the accusations of promoting bad values, such as marriage and family. The new product line, “crack-smoking, pregnant-teen Midge on welfare” with “unfaithful, drunkard Alan on phony disability” and “Shoplifting, glue-sniffing Ryan” is expected to hit shelves by May this year.

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By the way, before I even get started here – am I the only one who thinks that Cher is hot, even if it is in sort of a weird, creepy way? I mean, I’m not talking about the days with Sonny around or anything…that’s one mystery I’ll never figure out…and the different hair color for every day of the week is a bit on the bizarre side, but all in the same, I certainly wouldn’t kick her out for eating crackers in bed, if you know what I mean! Granted, she’s more than twice my age – older than my parents, even – I just hope that my supermodel girlfriend looks that good when she’s fifty-six!!!

Now where was I? Oh yes – time travel! Of all the new developments we’ve been seeing in this new, technological era – laser-guided vacuum cleaners, GPS tracking devices for our most dangerous criminal-masterminds and children, and wireless yams, just to name a few – but still nobody’s managed to hone their scientific research to the point where traveling back and forth through time could be a possibility. I mean, I understand that flux capacitors are pretty tough to come by and all, but if these guys can make our Furbee dream become a reality, then as far as I’m concerned, the sky’s the limit!

Aside from the whole world domination scare (which they’d simply have to make illegal – problem solved!), I think that time travel would prove to be a very valuable, and very cool, resource for our society. Educationally, it’s already been proved by Steven Spielberg himself that the best way to teach a child about dinosaurs is obviously to cover them in Brachiosaurus snot, and I’m sure that this very scenario could easily be expanded to fit other areas of study, too. Why bother just reading the works of Charles Dickens when instead, you could take the entire class back in time and let them ask questions on their own…no doubt it’d at least be a little less scary than watching A Christmas Carol. History class still putting the kids to sleep every afternoon from 1:30 – 2:45p as scheduled? How’s about tossing the whole gang into the time machine and jumping back a few hundred years so that they can witness a pre-Monica Lewinsky / Paula Jones government, when actual work got done by day and the dry-cleaning didn’t magically turn into lawsuits by night…

But enough with the worthwhile (boring) educational benefits of time travel – just think of all the fun things we could do with it! Fast forward through all of that working nonsense and skip right to happy hour during the week, or simply cut out the middleman and relive that awesome weekend in Vegas with the convertible and those Asian hookers over and over again! If your idea of social interaction culminates with the annual midnight showing of the latest Star Warsor Lord of the Rings flick, then don your light saber or musty, old cloak and enjoy the entire series back to back, complete with reenactments, late-night trivia contests, and of course the Aftermath When Reality Chimes In and reminds you that you just spent the last sixteen hours dressed up as a storm trooper…in public…to see a freaking movie – some memories truly are priceless, even if they do also prove to remind you just how much of a dork you really are! Even a routine trip to the grocery store could benefit from time travel – ever get that feeling of hopelessness after you find out that the person ahead of you got the last box of Frosted Flakes? A few jigawatts of electricity and you’ll be the one chillin’ with Tony the Tiger while the competition walks home empty-handed in defeat! The possibilities are endless here!!!

As it worked its way into the mainstream, we’d see Hollywood using it time after time (no pun intended!) to make corrections to its blockbusters, ensuring perfection in our cinematic entertainment and hopefully even preventing such atrocities as Battlefield Earth and Little Nicky from ever happening in the first place! Our politicians and lawmakers could settle the disputes once and for all, going back to ask our founding fathers what they really meant in the constitution when they spoke about the freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, and a woman’s right to vote. All the environmentalists could go back to a time when we weren’t completely destroying the Earth and just shut the hell up for a few minutes. Even the Detroit Tigers could…oh, who am I kidding? Not even time travel could help the Tigers at this point…

Nevertheless, if there’s one thing that I’d like to see come to be over the next year in 2003, time travel would most certainly be at the top of my list. That, and invisibility would be pretty sweet, too, but that’s another column altogether! How about little wings that we could use to fly around, that would just fold up and fit in our pockets, or even better – teleportation! Still a bit out of our league? Maybe just something that could create sandwiches out of thin air?

Man, I love science…

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Let’s face it, a winning season for the Cubs is about as elusive as an Academy Award for Ashton Kutcher (“Dude, Where’s My Career?!”). But that’s why everyone loves them. They’re the Average Joe, the little guy, the team everyone loves to love, whether out of pity or because they want to say “I knew them when…”

So what’s going on with them?

The Chicago Cubs are suing 13 business owners whose rooftops overlook Wrigley Field, because the owners are selling their own tickets so people can watch games from the roof. The Cubs claim these owners are stealing from the team.

The suit was filed by the Cubs organization in December 2002, and charged that the business owners were violating copyright laws and competing with the organization for ticket sales.

Cubs president and CEO Andy MacPhail said, “They do nothing to contribute to our efforts to put a winning team on the field.”

Apparently neither does the organization, considering they haven’t won a division championship since 1945, or the World Series in nearly a century.

MacPhail says the owners are making “millions of dollars a year,” but they’re not giving anything back to the organization.

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is, since the fans are sitting so far away from the action, they need a live hookup to the Hubble Telescope to watch the game clearly.

Okay, that’s not true. The Hubble Telescope is actually used for scientific research, like watching sunbathers on the roofs of university science buildings around the world.

However the business owners are actually allowing their customers to watch the games on TV, since they ARE so far away from the action. But no one knows if they have the express written consent of Major League Baseball to do that, so I won’t say anymore about it.

Not too surprisingly, the Cubs are worried that they’re losing valuable revenue. And they are. They’re losing the ability to charge $12 to $36 per ticket for most games. They’re losing the ability to charge $5 for a dubious-looking hot dog or lukewarm soda or $8 for watery beer. They’re losing the ability to charge twice as much for a baseball cap than your average sporting goods store. But those fans probably wouldn’t have come to the game anyway, so why worry about it? Why not figure out new ways to get more fans to attend the games instead?

One would think the Cubs would focus on fielding a better baseball team, which would increase fan interest, which would then increase revenues, and MacPhail could worry about something other than phantom “lost” money.

But that’s just me. I don’t actually know anything about running a baseball team. Putting together a winning team to increase fan support may just be a crazy idea that other baseball experts would laugh at. They would tell me to leave baseball to the real experts, like George Steinbrenner, who spends almost $126 million on his players’ salaries, and then cuts his front office employees’ dental plans to save $100,000.

So how is watching a game from the roof stealing? The game is already being played, and I could pay $12 to watch it from the cheap seats, or pay $36 to watch it from a slightly better seat. But no matter how much I pay, the Cubs will still play the same baseball game no matter how much I paid, or whether I watch or not.

But the Cubs are undeterred. They are seeking compensatory damages, some of the profits, and a ban on those businesses marketing Cubs products without their permission.

No problem. If I were one of the business owners, I’d start holding parties on the rooftop for free, and charge $10 for a bratwurst, and require a two bratwurst minimum. The parties would only be held on certain days, and at certain times. And if the Cubs happened to be playing at the same time, then that’s just a happy coincidence.

And if anyone is interested, you can watch the games from my house through a magical box, and I’ll only charge $10 per person. Just don’t put your feet on the couch.

Special note: This column is the 400th humor column I’ve ever published. To commemorate it, I would like to say a special thank you to Al and Bill Nich, the publisher and editor of the Wakarusa (Indiana) Tribune, who gave me my first break, and made all this possible. So if you don’t like my columns, blame them.

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As I begin to undress our tree full of cheer
My thoughts turn to next week and another New Year.
A party to go to dressed up oh so shiny
Yet have those Christmas cookies served to enhance my hiney?

I pull out the dress I bought back in October
Look at the size tag and think, “My God! Was I sober?”
I drop what I’m doing, including the cookie
Squeeze into the velvet to get a good lookie.

The seams are stretched taut like the skin on a drum
A sign reading “WIDE LOAD” should be hung on my bum.
The steps towards the treadmill I take two at a time
But I huff and I puff by the end of the climb.

As I run on to nowhere, my thoughts start to drift
Was there a treat this season that I actually missed?
I swear I know better, yet each year at this time
I fall off the wagon and my weight starts to climb.

For three days I do nothing but tread and abstain
No cookies! No fudge! Not one candy cane!
I envy my daughters so youthful, so svelte
They eat like a pig, but look like a gazelle.

In my mind that new dress has taken me hostage
But I refuse to look like a sequined-up sausage.
More time on the treadmill and sit-ups on the floor
Drink gallons of water, eat food that’s a bore.

My husband is snacking on leftover pie
Covered in ice cream . . . I could spit in his eye.
But what’s a man’s worry all dressed in his tux?
The jacket can cover a butt that’s deluxe!

Yet we women, for fashion, wear dresses that cling
Go sleeveless and backless as cold winds do sting.
My week does move forward and now it is here
The night to see if I have decreased the size of my rear.

On go control tops, they help even more
I am heartened as I move to my closed closet door.
There in the darkness, the dress I am wanting
“Here piggy, piggy”, I almost hear it taunting.

I take two deep breaths, holding the last one in
And pull on the dress to see who will win.
Hallelujah! And Amen! It fits like a dream!
No misshapen bulges, not one straining seam!

My husband he whistles, my kids ooh and ahh
Inside I am cheering a great big HURRAH!
As we drive to our party again my thoughts wonder
Why each year I repeat this, I simply must ponder.

It seems that when faced with those cookies and sprinkles
Something happens inside and my will power crinkles!
When the ball drops tonight I will make my resolution
Next year I will swear off the “cellulite pollution”.

The “Holiday Five” pounds shall be banished to someone else’s door
For I vow, once again, to Chew Less and Move More!

Happy New Year Everyone!

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I don’t think one resolution has ever made it to summer. The reason is because according to the average person, the year only lasts for three months. You hear it all the time. “I can’t believe it’s March already. This year has flown by.”

People always say the year has flown by, without it even being close to over yet.

That’s why, according to these people, it’s okay to break their New Year’s resolution. They figure, if the year is over by March anyway, why not start smoking again when spring hits?

In order to keep resolutions from being broken too soon, why not have one that you know you’re going to keep, like “This year, I’m going to eat whatever I want. I’m going to hit every drive-thru in my area until I bleed mayonnaise.”

That way, at the end of the year, you’ll be assured that your well thought out New Year’s resolution was not just talk. Too bad you’ll be 100 pounds overweight and the first to have a heart attack. But this is exciting to you since you’ve never been first in anything. Maybe except the time you won the 50-yard dash in grade school. But even that didn’t count because you jumped off the starting line seconds before the cap gun went off. So being the first to have a heart attack doesn’t really bother you.

Having said this, I’d like to give my New Year’s resolution:

I’d like to change the world…but I don’t know what it wears. Maybe something in plaid with a butterfly collar, but I’m really not sure. The only thing I fear is the world saying to me, “Does this dress make the Atlantic Ocean look fat?” And to this I’ll lie and utter, “No, I like the way the seams highlight your reefs.”

Of course this won’t happen, because I can never keep my New Year’s resolution for more than three seconds. And this is why the world is in the shape it is, which incidentally is more in shape than you.

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