Although it is unclear how exactly this will affect Just Laugh’s immense audience, Editor-in-Chief Scott Sevener reports that, “I’m very confident that, if anything, this acquisition will only lead to strengthening our position in the market. Everyone here at Just Laugh looks forward to continuing to produce the Internet’s best humor. We’ve got some fantastic projects planned for the near future and it’s only going to be getting better from here on out…”

Some analysts view this purchase as simply another move by the Internet titan to buy-up its competition, and some long-time fans of Just Laugh magazine fear that the end of their favorite online humor publication could be near, as it’s unfortunately quite common for severe budget and staffing cuts to whittle new acquisitions down to nothing in cases like this, yet Webmaster Robert Henderson sees a different side to the story.

“Yeah, the magazine was doing great, pulling down a few million hits each year, but with this deal with AOL finally coming through, I can see our readership going through the roof in the following months! I mean, think about it – AOL already boasts a massive 35 million members worldwide, and with talks of Just Laugh becoming AOL’s primary humor feature in their entertainment section, there’s no telling how many new readers we’ll be seeing come shortly! I’m really excited about it all.”

Representatives from the merged web teams between AOL Time Warner and Just Laugh Productions tell us that the complete integration will not be complete for another several weeks, but any actual changes will be minute and most previous readers won’t notice any differences whatsoever. Beginning Tuesday, AOL members will be able to access all of Just Laugh’s content using the Keyword: Just Laugh command. Though previous acquisitions have led to the untimely deaths of many of the web’s favorite gathering places, at least we know that in this case, whatever happens, we’ll be going out with a few good laughs…

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Having grown up under the tutelage of the King of all things foolish – my father – I now have the tremendous urge to be the fooler, rather than the foolee. My apprenticeship consisted of being annually fooled into thinking there were ten feet of snow on the ground, a squirrel just flew by our window, Donny Osmond was coming to dinner, we were moving to Pakistan, etc. My father could always keep a straight face no matter what load of hogwash he was selling to me. His obvious delight, in the early years, was sweet. He laughed, I laughed. As I grew older, the sweetness turned sour and I would simply shake my head, thinking, “One of these days… One of these days…”

Face it, kids are pretty easy to fool, especially when the one pulling the wool over their eyes, is also the one who paid for the sweater! You see, children implicitly trust their parents more than anyone else in their tiny worlds. We are there from Day One, feeding, caring, fixing boo boos with a kiss, even performing “magic.” I mean it must be pretty magical to a two year old to see Mom put cold milk in the box on the counter, make it beep a couple times, and VOILA, out comes hot chocolate!

And what about the whole “always tell the truth” business? What parent hasn’t vocalized that one since their child was able to understand? We encourage trust, honesty, truth. What paragons of virtue we must be, right? To paraphrase the Big Bad Wolf, “All the better to fool you with my dear!” I mean what better audience for a good April Fool than those least likely to suspect you are full of #$%#@?

I admit that since having children, I too have delighted in tricking them into thinking we won the lottery, production on Barbie was being banned, and that the Backstreet Boys were really my brothers. (Boy, was I a cool Mom for about 20 minutes till my oldest daughter called my Mother who ratted me out.)

I have also learned though that those under the age of five are not equipped with “Reality Radar” and should not be fooled.

Case in point, my three year old was talking to me as I took a bath. Finished, I pulled the plug and as the water began to go down, I acted like I too was being pulled down the drain. Out she ran to get her Daddy to help me before I got sucked away. In the few seconds she was gone, I jumped out of the tub and hid behind the closet door. When she came running back with my husband, she immediately became hysterical! Tears streamed down her face as she screamed and screamed that Mommy had gotten washed down the drain! Emerging from my hiding spot, I held her close, assuring her that I was OK. Believe me, I felt like the biggest FOOL on the planet.

But, back to my father. After enduring thirty years of his chicanery, this year I have decided to finally turn my attention to “getting” him. A challenge of immense proportions, mind you. I will have to be tricky, look for weak spots, sneak in under his radar. Just what would make him temporarily lose his mind? Ten feet of snow won’t do it. Forget flying squirrels.

I’ve got it!

All I need is a little “donation” from a pregnant friend and the cooperation of my mother, who incidentally has been his victim far more times than I. I think he’ll be quite surprised when Mom emerges from the bathroom on April 1st holding a little pregnancy test with a bright red plus sign, don’t you? But how long to wait until I call and say, “April Fools!”?

Decisions, decisions…look out Dad, the crown has been passed to a new generation!!

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Obviously, it’s not an easy task to choose from the literally millions and millions of inventions out there and find the very best of the best…especially after I’ve been hopped up on these antihistamines all day! Headaches and profuse sweating aside, however, I do feel that it is important that a few of these great additions to humanity reap at least a portion of the recognition, but the following list was the best that I could come up with on such short notice. I’m sure you’ll find many of my selections the same as your own, and maybe even come across a new found appreciation for some others, too.

Just keep in mind that the inventors behind the amazing wonders listed below gave up any hope of ever having a social life just so that you wouldn’t have to get up off your lazy ass to change the channel…and that’s commitment!

10. The Whoopee Cushion / Rubber Chicken (TIE)

Proudly taking up space in every real comedian’s arsenal, the whoopee cushion is by far the most popular prop of all time because let’s face it – farting is hilarious! It all dates back to that rowdier-than-normal Thursday in Miss Hoover’s 7th grade class when the substitute teacher was called to fill-in and thus became the target of every practical joke in the arsenal, from frogs in her desk drawers and water pistols when she had her back turned…and of course, the illustrious whoopee cushion…Taking a place to close to even call second, the rubber chicken has just always been cool – no one really knows why and we stopped questioning it a long time ago, so just accept it!

9. The Couch

I won’t lie to you – I spend a lot of time using this particular invention and frankly, I don’t see how society could’ve possibly existed before it came along! Easily the most multi-functional piece of furniture in the entire house, the couch covers anything you could possibly want to be doing indoors – sitting, reclining, sleeping,doing the nasty thing *wink wink*. Next to a big-screen TV, the couch is without a doubt the most important purchase ever made for a new home, so choose wisely and always show it much respect! Remember those friends of yours who had that huge wine stain right in the middle of their sofa? There’s a reason you don’t associate with them anymore…

8. The Flask

Easily most famous for sprucing up the old office Christmas parties, as well as making family reunions and other social gatherings bearable in the first place, the flask has been included amongst my top ten here today because it helps keep me sane! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been able to turn to my shiny, alcohol-bearing friend to help take the edge off before meeting with an important client, or even more eminently, my boss.Maybe I’ve said too much…

7. Meat on a Stick

Originating from the carnival-scene and eventually progressing into the world phenomenon that it has become today, meat on a stick isn’t just a tasty snack to enjoy while perusing your local community fair; it’s acultural icon! Combining the nutritional values found in the best of deep-fried foods with our latest stick technology, this mammoth innovation allows us to enjoy hotdogs, bacon, and even porterhouse steakanywhere at anytime, thus providing us with more time to appreciate the finer things in life, such as happy hourand the ring toss.

6. The Day Off

We all have those days when we just can’t take it anymore and it becomes apparent that someone’s going to get hurt if you have to respond to one more question like, “Do you have anything with soy in it?” or “Why doesn’t Red Lobster have steak?” Luckily for all of us, however, somebody out there finally realized that much of this very stress could easily be relieved by simply giving us a damn break once in a while, and thus the day off was created!Granted, those in upper-management who gave us this gift in the first place now seem to exercise it more than anyone else, but some may even argue that a vacation day for the boss is almost just as good as a vacation day for the rest of us, anyways…

5. Binoculars

Great for making things really far away appear to be much closer than they actually are (…or will probably ever be!), binoculars serve a very important purpose to modern society, and not just through the eyes of the peeping Tom! Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what this purpose might be, but I do know that my friends and I sure appreciated having a pair of these babies around the house during our youthful, teenage years when the neighbor’s sixteen-year-old daughter with the golden blond hair and the legs that just seemed to go on forever would spend her summers sun-bathing out on the back porch…in the nude.It’s those kinds of memories which will stick with me until the day I die!

4. The Waterbed

The ‘80s will never die in our hearts! It’s a common fact that the waterbed played an essential role in the sleeping quarters of the above-average ladies’ man way back in the days of pink martinis and parachute pants, paving the road ahead for itself to eventually become the largest home-decorating err-of-judgment since shag carpeting. Whether it was simply the lust of the times or because it was nearly impossible to get up from one once you’ve laid down, the aquatic dreamer earns a spot in my top ten for its ability to help my kind score in ways we’d previously believed to be ergonomically impossible!“It’s just like sleeping on water…including the seasickness!”

3. Cookies

Portable, delicious, and most important of all, easily hidden in one’s pocket to avoid sharing when friends stop by unexpectedly, the cookie not only boasts a solid number three on my list of greatest inventions, but quite possibly holds the coveted spot at the very top of my list of all-time greatest desserts as well! Think about it – cookies go with just about any meal (including breakfast, regardless of what your parents told you!), their ingredients can be altered to satisfy even the pickiest of dessert connoisseurs, and of course, they’re good for you, too*!* – I made that part up, but who’s counting?

2. The Internet

Ahhh – the Internet! Whether you’re into politics, porn, writing humor columns, or any combination of the three, there’s no community that’s got you covered quite like the Internet – thank you, Al Gore! This network, once devoted to top-secret military communications, now makes it possible for 48-year-old men to chat with young, impressionable, underage girls from all around the world, but don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of positive and wholesome aspects to the ‘net, too…I think.This could’ve very easily taken the top position, except for one other little device…

1. The Remote Control

And here we have it – truly the greatest invention of all-time – the remote control. If ever an instrument has been created to harbor to the needs of the laziest of the lazy, it certainly couldn’t have come a moment too soon! Sure, that stereo might be on the other side of the room, but don’t think that you’re going to have to listen to the likes of Christina Aguilera and Eminem just because you’ve already got a comfortable spot on the couch! Just one click of a button changes pop music to modern rock, Jenny Jones to Jerry Springer, even HBOto Skin-a-Max, providing the much needed relief that would’ve once before only came from actually getting up and doing things by hand.

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“The burger I ate took a negative effect on me. Next thing I knew, I had a bad case of diarrhea,” said Meanson, whose flight to Newark crashed moments after takeoff.

It was a twist of fate that normally would end with a bad situation, having diarrhea and all. But this is certainly a decent tradeoff than death, according to Leon Holey, spokesperson for O’Hare airport.

Although 87 passengers died in the crash, there was one person deemed a hero. “I owe Jose, the cook who made my burger, my life. If it wasn’t for him, I would have plunged to my death,” commented Meanson.

Meanson agreed to treat Jose to dinner after his diarrhea ends. However, a burger at Jose’s restaurant is out of the question.

As for the tragedy at O’Hare, it’s looked at in a positive light. “Sure we lost 87 passengers. But we saved one, thanks to an undercooked burger,” said Holey, who is praying this logic settles future fliers with O’Hare airport.

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As it turned out, it was a day filled with much work left uncompleted and hanging over his head. What Michael needed was some good food and to do a little venting to get rid of his stress.

What Michael did not know, what he could not foresee, is that he was driving home to a woman who was packed and fully loaded. The gun she held was a 36C PMS Revolver and it was ready to fire.

As Michael opened the door and entered the home he and his wife, Jan, had shared for nearly two years, all of the lights were off with the exception of a small lamp in their bedroom.

You would think, having been married for nearly two years, Michael would have already picked up on the notion that something was wrong.

Had Michael been a bright man, he might have called the pizza place to have dinner delivered and prayed to God for extra help in guiding him through the remainder of the evening.

These things did not cross Michael’s mind because Michael had experienced a long, frustrating day and wasn’t operating, at the moment, with all of his marbles intact.

So Michael walked into the bedroom.

“How ya doin’, hon?”

“I’m not feeling good,” Jan replied as she repositioned her heating pad.

“I’m sorry, dear,” Michael said sincerely.

But then he completely and utterly lost his mind by asking,

“What’s for dinner?”

“What do you mean ‘What’s for dinner’? Can’t you see I’m in pain? I can’t get out of this bed,” Jan said with accusation and exasperation.

Did this offer Michael a hint of what he should do? One would think so but, no, it did not.

“Well, can you take something for it and maybe help drum up something in the kitchen? My day has been rotten and I’m starving.”

Jan slightly bolted from the bed, wincing in pain.

“I’ve had a miserable day, too, Michael. Do you think you are the only person on the planet who has had a bad day? Do you think you are the only person in the world who needs some help today?”

“Honey, you’re letting your emotions get the best of you. I’ll just call and order a pizza.”

I believe we have already established that this is the route Michael should have taken the moment he walked in the front door. But you see, Michael has had a rough day and what he really needs is to be beaten in an argument by his wife tonight. Oh, he doesn’t believe he will be beaten but Michael is about to learn when there is a full moon and a high tide, it would behoove him to hit the deck.

“I am not letting MY emotions get to me, Michael. YOU are getting to me. I swear, if I hear one…ONE flippant right side, left side brain comment from you tonight I am going to come out of my skin and rip your mouth off of your face.”

“Jan, hon, there’s no sense in getting violent just because you’re having your period. Every woman goes through it.”

“I am NOT every woman, Michael. Not EVERY woman goes through this type of pain every, single month and not EVERY woman is married to an employed two year-old. If you do not back off now I swear to God you won’t TOUCH this bed tonight.”

“Why are you over-reacting? All I did was ask you what we were having for dinner.”

“It is not HOW you asked, Michael, it is the WAY you asked, you condescending wuss.”

“WUSS, huh, condescending WUSS,” Michael yelled as he stormed through the house to fetch the cordless phone.

You could hear Michael thud throughout the house as he made his way back to the bedroom.

“You want pizza, Jan? YOU call!”

“Who said I wanted pizza? I can barely stomach YOU! You’re the one who’s hungry. Will it hurt your fingers too much to dial seven little numbers and order a pizza or should I call 911 and tell them your fingers are broken and you need emergency assistance?”

No one ordered pizza that night. As a matter of fact, neither Michael nor Jan had dinner or conversation for the remainder of the evening. Michael didn’t get kicked out of bed but he huddled close to the edge of his side of the bed all night long.

But Michael and Jan have been married for only a short time so, although this argument seems outlandish and unreasonable, it is very common.

There is great hope for a long, enjoyable marriage between Michael and Jan. Many prayers and good thoughts will be directed to the future relationship of this couple because what Michael and Jan do not know, at this point, is that this will be Jan’s last period.

For nine months.

Then all hell is going to break loose.

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In one of the ads, there’s a man and woman walking down the street. While they’re walking, the woman moves away from the man and looks into the camera and whispers something to the effect of, “He doesn’t know I have genital warts. Thanks Valtrex.” She then rejoins the man. He smiles, and together, they walk away happy.

I have a question. I’ve seen this commercial a few times and I’m wondering if the man’s response is a typical reaction. I say this because if it was me (or any other man on the planet), the scenario would be much different, something like this:

“He doesn’t know I have genital warts. Thanks Valtrex,” she would whisper.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to listen in on people’s conversations but, did you just say that you have genital warts?” I would ask. “I’m just saying that it would have been nice to know before I shelled out $100.00 on dinner. You sure ate a lot tonight, didn’t you?” I would continue.

The other commercial for genital warts portrays people kayaking, surfing, and horseback riding 24 hours a day. The message the drug company is sending is: “Sure you have genital warts. But with this medicine (Valtrex), you can still live a normal life, which incidentally consists of kayaking all the time, surfing, and horseback riding 24 hours a day.” (Again, notice the sarcasm.)

As I’m watching this advertisement, all I’m thinking is, “Is this really a normal life? I don’t have genital warts and I don’t do any of those activities.”

It’s gets me wondering.

“Maybe genital warts is the way to go.”

I call my friends up and ask them if they want to go out and get herpes. As you can imagine, the response is, “Herpes? Why do you want to get herpes?”

“Haven’t you seen the commercials? With herpes, we can go kayaking, surfing, and horseback riding 24 hours a day,” I scream.

“Well, I guess we don’t do any of those activities. I’m convinced, let’s get herpes.”

And then we would all contract the disease, which I believe is one of the reasons why herpes is contracted by nearly 500,000 people each year, according to the official Valtrex website.

Leave it up to the drug companies to sugar coat the matter.

If they really want to make an impact and reduce contractions, why not have a commercial with a man being rejected by a woman when asking her out on a date because he has cold sores around his body? If this was to happen, then, maybe the cases of herpes contraction would reduce.

Of course, the drug companies don’t make money unless people get herpes. Kudos to you, corporate America.

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Last year, Goddard (who lived in Rockford, Illinois at the time) and David Winkleman, of Davenport, Iowa, sued the owners of a Quad Cities radio station after the two friends tattooed the 93.5 KORB logo on their foreheads.

However, it seems the promotion that caused the two men to mark themselves for life was actually a practical joke.

“We’re tattooed, we’re angry and we’re suing,” they told reporters. Okay, so it’s not as catchy as “We’re queer, we’re here, get used to it!” but it could become a rallying cry for the chronically stupid — assuming anyone else is stupid enough to put a tattoo on their forehead.

The incident occurred in 2000 when disc jockey Ben Stone offered backstage passes and concert tickets to anyone who put a temporary “93 Rock” tattoo on their forehead. He then offered $150,000 paid over five years to anyone who had the station’s logo permanently tattooed on their forehead.

So Goddard and Winkleman, being mental giants with great foresight and long-range vision, did just that. Winkleman says he called Goddard and the two men made plans to get KORB’s logo plastered on their forehead.

Of course, Winkleman was no dummy. He first called the radio station to make sure the offer was legitimate. When someone assured him that, yes we will give you $150,000 if you put our full-color logo on your head permanently so everyone can see it until the day you die, I’ll bet he thought he was going to live the rest of his life on Easy Street.

I guess you have to get up pretty early to fool David Winkleman.

But wait, things didn’t go according to plan! Not only did the station not pay either man the money they were promised, they were both fired from their jobs the following day. And since that fateful day in November, 2000, neither man has been able to find work ever since.

Now I’ve seen lots of people with tattoos, numerous painful piercings and intentional disfigurements (like those earrings that create holes the size of dimes — what’s THAT all about?), but I’ll never understand why someone would 1) put a tattoo on their forehead, or 2) wear a tattoo of a radio station that is now guaranteed to become a Barry Manilow cover tunes station.

I can only imagine the decision-making process the two must have used.

Goddard: –static– $150,000 –static– Tattoo –static– Forehead –static static–

Winkleman: Uhhhhhh…

However, Stone and KORB’s owners, Cumulus Broadcasting, say the whole thing was a practical joke. As a Cumulus Broadcasting spokesman told reporters, “There was never any intention of paying money…(t)he idea was simply that persons who responded to the announcement would be publicly scorned and ridiculed for their greed and lack of common sense.”

Understandably, Goddard and Winkleman dispute that. “We were listening to (Stone’s) radio show one day, when he announced that anyone willing to have the station’s logo permanently tattooed on their foreheads would be awarded $30,000 a year for life.”

That’s why the two poster children for common sense are filing a $300,000 lawsuit.

Hmm, let’s see $300,000 divided by $30,000 per year is…10 years! And if you split that between the two of them, reduce that to $15,000 per year. Either Goddard and Winkleman believe that they can somehow live out the rest of their lives on $150,000 each, or they frequently do such moronic things that 10 years is an optimistic estimate of their own life spans.

Although recent updates on this case haven’t explained what’s going on with David Winkleman, it seems that Goddard’s situation has gone from bad to worse.

Understandably, Goddard’s life has gone into the toilet, as he is most likely known as “That Tattoo Guy” around the Quad Cities. So he’s taken to complaining constantly about it to his roommates, John and Mary Rushman.

Apparently the two became so fed up with his incessant whining, griping, and threats of suicide over the situation he created for himself, they decided to help him out.

According to the Moline (Illinois) Dispatch, the couple tied a noose around Goddard’s neck and tried hanging him from a ceiling beam. When he struggled, they beat him in the face with a ball-peen hammer. Police were called to the scene, and the Rushmans were arrested and charged with aggravated assault. Goddard was taken to the hospital and released two days later from an area hospital.

You have to feel bad for Goddard though. Now, instead of being know as That Tattoo Guy, the astute citizens of the Quad Cities will refer to him as Hammertime.

But I’ll always think of him as the moron who should have just gotten “Idiot Inside” tattooed on his head.

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