The reasoning behind choosing a city like Chicago is simple, losers. I come from a state where riverboat casinos are huge. On casinos, the house (the casino) always has the odds. That means, we (the gamblers) have a terrible chance at winning. So, in effect, Iowans are known for being losers, if riverboats are known for being in Iowa. Therefore, I had to choose Chicago as a sports city. I can relate to losing, and so can Chicagoans. Get it?

Since I’ve been able to yell at the television, I’ve adopted Chicagoans as my own. Unfortunately, the adoption process has been brutal. There’s the Bears, the Cubs, and Bill Murray. And although I liked Ghostbusters, what have you done for me lately?

This article will focus on the Chicago Cubs, since their history of losing seems to be cursed by the Great Bambino… wait, that’s the Red Sox. The Cubs seem to be hexed by the great Ron Cey, the Penguin as he’s known in Chi town. Well, not really, I just liked typing Ron Cey.

I’ve been a Cubs fan since the days of Ryne-O. That’s right, since the ’80s. Although I haven’t experienced the last 100 years of the Cubs’ short comings, I have experienced my share. What irks me about the Cubs is that they always seem to be rebuilding.

Every off season, they have remarkable acquisitions, on paper at least, as noted by every broadcaster associated with the organization.

Things like, “With the addition of Alou and now, Karros, they’re sure to make a run this year,” and “Now they have a manager in Dusty Baker, the Cubs are a team the National League Central should be looking at,” and lastly, “We finally got rid of Todd Hundley, let the party on Rush Street begin,” can usually be heard by Cubs fans.

But no matter how many good acquisitions the Cubs make in the off season, for some reason they’re always mathematically eliminated after the first game of the season. Therefore, in my opinion, the Chicago Cubs are like women in Penthouse; they look really good on paper, but when you finally see them in person, it’s like, “Man, what month are you again?”

They look so good on paper, people buy season tickets, which equates to buying a subscription to Penthouse. Now I don’t know which is better to have…well actually I do (hiding the stack of Penthouses under my bed), but what I do know is, Cubs fans don’t care if the team wins. And this is what bothers me.

So the question I ask is, why are we even signing big names like Dusty Baker and Sammy Sosa? No matter how many homeruns Sosa hits, one man can’t take a team to the World Series. He’s proven that the last several years. The only person that can take a team to a World Series single handedly is George Steinbrenner. No matter who you put on the field for the Cubs, people will go to the game.

This is what should happen. We should trade Sammy Sosa and Dusty Baker. That relieves the Tribune millions of dollars in salary that can be used to pick up a few minor leaguers. Having that extra amount of cash on hand, Cubs fans that attend the games, namely the first three games in May, should not have to pay the seven or eight dollars for a glass of beer, the $10-20.00 for parking, the $5.00 for a ball park hot dog (wait, I’ll still get the hot dog, erase that last item), or the $25-50.00 for tickets. We’re going to go to the games anyway. It’s bad enough we’re going to lose, but do we have to be broke also?

I’m not just lobbying for these three days in May, despite what any of my friends say. I’m just thinking about the thousands of people who happen to be going to the Cubs games, specifically the first three games in May 2003. Even if prices just drop for these three games in May, I’ll feel that this column has done justice, not for me, but for all Cubs fans tired of saying, “Maybe next year,” only to look in his or her wallet and say, “I’m glad my Penthouse subscription is paid for.”

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Young Rebecca had been living it up at a local bar within walking distance of her college dormitory last Friday night and after having been bought many an alcoholic beverage, her friends reported that she was acting quite a bit more friendly than normal. It was at approximately 12:38 AM that an African-American gentleman from the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity intervened and asked Rebecca to dance, and the night just went downhill from there.

As the story typically goes, the dancing led to more drinks, which then in turn led to even more dancing, becoming all-the-more provokative as the night progressed. Eventually Jacob, the gentleman in this tale, suggested that they proceed to a more intimate setting and Rebecca, being quite liquored up by then, thought it was a terrific idea! Of course, one thing quickly led to another and Rebecca soon found herself enjoying a nice ride on the “bone rollercoaster,” if you know what we mean…

Unfortunately for Jacob, however, this turned out to be a one-ride-only night, which he wasn’t exactly used to…or was he? It came as no surprise to the young man’s frat buddies that Rebecca left the house unsatisfied that evening, yet oddly enough she didn’t take up a single one of their offers to allieviate the situation. Rebecca proceeded downtown to one of her favorite nightclubs, The Eager Beaver, where the dish was soon served about her “experience.”

“I had always heard that black guys were supposed to be, like, huge!” she exclaimed, “…but this guy’s was anything but that…” The young woman continued on into the wee hours of the night, even proclaiming, after three more margaritas that, she’d like to try a “purple guy” next because “maybe they taste like grape or something…”

All this reporter has to say is this – even if they did taste like grape, Rebecca, I’m pretty sure a “purple guy” wouldn’t want anything to do with you. Nothing personal!

The post Woman Goes “Back,” Only Shortly After Going “Black” appeared first on Just Laugh.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe teachers should be allowed to paddle children. Regardless of the liability issues, no one else should be allowed to spank another parent’s child. But it seems that one teacher is taking the alternative too far.

She’s suing a 13-year-old student for running into her.

According to a March 29 story in the Camden (New Jersey) Courier-Post (Official Motto: What the #&*@! are you lookin’ at?!), second-grade teacher Eileen Blau is suing Daniel Allen because he “negligently and carelessly” collided with her at an “excessive rate of speed” on April 11, 2001.

Daniel was 11 years old at the time, and weighed about 90 pounds.

Blau says the injuries cost her money for medical care, and curtailed her normal activities. She claims to have suffered “severe and multiple injuries, some of which are permanent in nature.”

News reports did not describe Blau’s personal injuries or say what her normal activities involved, but if she goes around suing little kids, one might assume it involves broomsticks and boiling cauldrons. I could be wrong though.

According to Daniel’s mom, Stacy Allen, the school’s principal assured her the incident was accidental. Daniel was running to catch the school bus to go home. He told reporters that he had cried in the principal’s office the following day when he found out Blau was hurt.

“I’m sorry I ran into her,” Daniel said. “I don’t think she should be suing me. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. It was an accident.”

Stacy also said Blau had filed a claim with the Allen’s insurance company for her injuries in the fall of 2001, several months after the incident. She also said her insurance company said the claim had not been settled.

Stacy said she never told her son about what Blau had done with the insurance company, or the claims she made. However, that all came to an end when a Camden County sheriff’s deputy served Daniel with a summons on a Wednesday morning.

I can’t blame Blau entirely. I’d be pretty upset if I were injured, and my my medical bills had gone unpaid for two years. However, I wouldn’t sue a 13-year-old kid over it, I’d go after the insurance company. What does she get if he wins? His Pokemon cards and the Victoria’s Secret catalog collection hidden under his mattress?

While students will think nothing of suing teachers over poor grades, class rankings, or failure to make the cheerleading squad, the idea of teachers suing students is completely new. Steven Baker, a spokesman for the 162,000 member New Jersey Education Association, said “I’ve never heard of a situation like this before. I assume it is quite uncommon.”

“I think it’s terrible that a teacher can sue a student,” said Stacy. “Maybe he should not have been running in the hall, but I think it was an accident. When you send a kid off to school, you expect him to be supervised and taken care of. You never expect a teacher to sue a child for running into her.”

So who’s fault is this? Sure, Daniel is to blame because he was running when he shouldn’t have, but it wasn’t intentional. That’s why they’re called “accidents.”

But shouldn’t Blau shoulder some of the burden? Like being aware of her surroundings, and knowing she was on a collision course with a 90-pound dynamo who frequently travels at “an excessive rate of speed?” Or maybe she should have used her authority and not allowed kids to run in the halls in the first place? Or did this happen outside, where kids usually run, and never worry about plowing into each other, let alone a lawsuit-happy educator? If that’s the case, she shouldn’t be surprised this even happened.

Regardless, Blau was someone who dedicated herself to shaping the lives of young children, and now she has decided to sue them instead. If anything, I think Blau should be ashamed for bringing a lawsuit, and should receive a swift and harsh punishment for it.

Like writing “I will not sue young children” on the blackboard 5000 times.

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“I got the idea when my car broke down. I had to ride my skateboard to work for three weeks. It just became natural to me,” said David, who started this journey two years ago.

The weather has been, for the most part, good to David, who has taken the postal worker’s oath. But even in good weather, the constant pushing has taken its toll. “I went out to cheer him on as he passed through Texas. He seemed winded, but determined,” commented Elaine Evans, who instead of offering water, offered sex to the exhausted David.

As of now, there hasn’t been any sponsors or donations to benefit David, just an accomplishment like no other. “I’m not doing this for any money. The sex from Elaine was good enough for me,” said David.

With one week to go, David has been injury free. One thing has bothered him though. “Going uphill is a bitch.”

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I think I can safely speak for just about all of us up here in the Great White North when I say that spring fever has definitely begun to take its toll! This is actually the first year in a few that I haven’t gone anywhere for spring break and I must say that it’s kinda depressing…the only bikinis I’ve seen have either been onMTV or in the Victoria’s Secret catalog and that just ain’t good enough for your average, studly man like myself! Scattered around the most beautiful, tropical regions in the world right now are some of the wildest, craziest beach parties my generation will ever know, and yet I’m stuck up here in the frozen tundra known to me and countless others as home. I’m just about to the point where I’m considering buying one of those special tapes that you see late at night on cable, but my luck I’d end up seeing some girl that I went to high school with and just end up getting even more jealous yet!

So I guess the question of the hour is really this – where in the world is Carmen San Diego??? Wait, that’s not right…how about – what in tar nation can the rest of us do to help shake this spring fever, while all of our friends are off shakin’ their groove-thangs in much more desirable climates?! Well, I’ve been pondering this exact question for the past three weeks over a steady supply of pizza, beer, and The Simpsons, and even though I haven’t technically been able to come up with an answer, I’d be nonetheless more than happy to simply make something up on the spot to satisfy your curiosity…I think you deserve that at least! The answer, my friends, lies in the subtle art of doing nothing. Don’t worry – I actually have put a little thought into this one… (emphasis on little)

Ok, so the secret to not putting your head in the blender when you’re still experiencing temperatures in the single digits well into the months of March and April, and quite possibly even May, might not exactly be all about doing nothing until it gets warmer, but it should still play a strong role in your approach nonetheless. Consider this – if you’re anything like me, you’ve most likely made a routine out of spending the next several months immediately following Christmas by actually paying for everything that you couldn’t afford but bought anyways because it was on sale. Factor in a few hours split between watching television and looking at porno on the Internet and you’ve pretty much got a full schedule…at least for a few months until your brain begins to cave in from the monotony and absolute boredom that you’re subjecting it to. It should appear to be a steam-roller of an easy fix at this point, but for those of you who need it spelled out for you – mix it up a little bit, for heaven’s sake!

I think a lot of people mistakenly understand that the whole concept of spring fever stems from the fact that it’s no doubt warmer in every other part of the world than it is in your own little hole, so it would only make sense that you just need to get out more, right? Well, maybe, but that’s an entirely different column altogether! Of course, after taking into consideration that people that live inCalifornia and Florida and South Africa find themselves going through the same thing, too, the light becomes even more obvious that perhaps the solution isn’t about where you are, but what you are doing in the first place… What’s that, you say? You haven’t really been doing anything lately anyways? Now we’re getting somewhere…

It’s really quite simple, Watson – you simply need to stop doing whatever you’re doing now and go do something else…unless it happens to involve heavy machinery – then, by all means, make sure that the bulldozer or eighteen-wheeler has come to a complete stop before proceeding! If you really have been sitting around on your ass for the past several months, scrape your behind off the couch, clean up any nominal residue, and go seize the day – whether it be rolling around in the front yard, conquering some third-world country, or just getting a job (…we’re not going to support you forever!), you’ll honestly feel better at the end of the day and believe it or not, Sally Jesse Raphael will go on without you! On the other hand, though, if you’ve already been out actually doing stuff and all that jazz, then by all means take an afternoon off to gouge yourself in-front of the TV with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s – you deserve it, plus it’ll make that lunatic friend of yours who actually is rolling around in the front yard right now truly green with envy!

I could go on and on about ways for you to shake the blues without first applying for a third mortgage on the house, but that sounds like the mailman at the door with my own cure for spring fever – The Ultimate Girls Gone Wild Spring Break Collection, featuring Brazilian Bosoms, After-School Specials, The Girls of the Route 4 IHOP, plus all of the classics digitally-remastered on 7 DVDs! (as narrated by Snoop Doggy Dog and Paul Ruebens)

What can I say – I’m a simple man…

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43% of us! Cold, nonclimactic and chafing.

When I read the results, there was only one word that came to mind. Actually, me being me, it came to mouth, and tumbled out quite loudly: HORSESHIT.

Pardon the language, but when my entire gender is being wrongly maligned, I tend to take it personally and verbally.

Sure, there is a certain percentage of the female population who owe their sexual unhappiness to actual physiological conditions: vaginal dryness, depression, menopause, etc. But for the rest of that 43%, and to a larger extent, many of the women in the remaining 56%, the cause is plain, simple and contains only three letters: M-A-N.

I have participated in enough impromptu discussions with friends to know that if there is unhappiness in the sexual arena of the relationship, it comes (pardon the pun) down to male ignorance and ego.

The ignorance factor is simple and almost forgivable. No one hands a young man a manual on making love with a woman. Most of what a 20 year old male knows, he has culled from stag films, Playboy and equally ignorant friends. Basically, “Get erection, have sex, woman is elated, man goes to sleep.” And you know what? That works for the male part of the equation. I’m not saying there aren’t some artistic nuances that can enhance it for a man, but arousal, act and climax are pretty basic for a guy.

Let’s see how that factors into those findings in 1999. “Frigid”: I can tell you that any man is going to get a cold reception if the emotional part of the puzzle is not intact for a woman. We need to feel connected, wanted, desired, romanced. If a woman has been struggling with three children, a household and a dog with diarrhea all day, sex is not exactly at the top of her To Do List. If there has been a fight, we do not consider sex a band-aid as do men. The rift needs repaired, closeness resumes, then we feel ready to get naked. So if a woman isn’t wanting her man? That man had better take a closer look at the emotional landscape surrounding him.

Lack of orgasm: Julia Roberts said it best to Dennis Quaid in Something To Talk About, “I have orgasms everyday. I’ve just gotten used to having them when you’re not in the room!” We women are amazing creatures, gentlemen. We can have more of them and more often than you! But without a partner who cares enough to excite us and find out what excites us, the chances of us having an orgasm like you’ve seen in those stellar porn movies is about as likely as youactually appearing in a porn movie. The majority of our stimulation happens on the outside, not the inside. So a man can be sporting a summer sausage and still leave us unfulfilled, or a guy can be the owner of a gherkin and send us to the moon with hands, lips, etc.

And while we are talking about excitement, that leads us right into “vaginal dryness, discomfort.” That wonderful wetness that makes it better for both of you? It cannot happen without some foreplay, kissing, touching, AROUSAL, or a tube of Astroglide. (Not that the two are mutually exclusive.) The bottom line is this: If we are not aroused, we are not ready. Simple.

Now, while I heap most of this at the naked feet of the males in society, I am also aware that women are guilty of perpetuating the cycle of sexual frustration. If we would only open our mouths more (get your mind out of the gutter for a moment, please), ask for what we want and teach our partner how to make us feel great, that 43% would drop dramatically. In fact, we would all be so busy having great sex, there would be no one to talk to for another study!

Sadly, women are still caught in a web of protecting the male ego from all harm. Granted we all are at our most vulnerable when we are buck naked with another person, but there is nothing to be gained from faking an orgasm, ladies. It only makes your man think he has done something right, and men being men, they will follow that pattern again and again because they are under the impression it works. So stop waiting for your Oscar and open your mouth. (You may now reenter the gutter.)

Again, I knew all this back in 1999. Heck, we females knew this back in 1899. However, it is always nice to see your knowledge validated, as it was today when a new Kinsey report came out and stated, “…the best predictors of a woman’s sexual satisfaction are her general emotional well-being and her emotional relationship with her partner.”

And that percentage? Dropped to below 25%, the majority suffering from medically treatable dysfunction issues.

Oh, how exciting it is to be right. Make that a BIG OH!

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