Every night while they’re sleeping, he flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa what he saw that day.

And he doesn’t like to be touched.

NOTHING AT ALL CREEPY ABOUT THIS FELLA – JUST LOOK AT THAT INNOCENT, NON-MURDERING FACE OF HIS!!!

Granted, I suppose when we base a holiday around a fat guy sneaking into your house in the middle of the night, eating your cookies and then leaving behind presents, some might argue that we’ve already left the chimney flue open for all sorts of other disturbing characters to wander into our homes and do things that would warrant a call to the police if not committed by someone wearing a red suit with bells jingling all about.

But no self-respecting adult can look at this elf – that looks like he was a reject from Mister Rogers’ Land of Make-Believe – and not admit that he’s a creepy, little sonofabitch to put it so kindly. Between your kids and your Instagram followers, maybe you’ve gotten convinced that his wacky hijinks like nude bathing in the sugar bowl and bobbing for marshmallows out of the toilet are harmless good fun as we ramp up in preparation for a visit from the biggest – no pun intended – reverse-thief of them all, but deep down when you’re arranging that creepy fucker ever so delicately among your sharpest steak knives or figuring out how to get him into the water cooler “so that he can go swimming,” you know exactly how creepy this Elf on a Shelf really is…

I don’t know – maybe it’s just me being naive, but I don’t let murderers into my house and anyone who’s got rosy red cheeks permanently painted onto their face is most definitely a murderer.

Come on, people – that’s like Identifying Murderers 101.

You may think that you’re being cute with all of your Pinterest-inspired scenarios that little Kringle gets himself into, and your kids look so excited when they spring out of bed each morning, anxious to hunt around the house in search of what kind of mischief the little creepazoid has gotten himself into next. But let’s be honest with ourselves here – your kids would be excited if a stranger pulled up near the playground in an unmarked van filled with candy, but that doesn’t mean you bookmark the Hertz website to keep an eye on when the most affordable days to rent a van are.

Because I worry about the kids, honestly I do. When these jolly bastards go on their inevitable killing spree and murder the same parents who thought that they’d be a cute little Christmas game for Peyton and Cameron, I’ll be ok with that because they should’ve recognized the look of a killer in that elf’s eyes and left him on the shelf to ultimately gather dust in Hallmark’s warehouses where he belongs. Plus, that’ll mean shorter lines for me when I go out to do my holiday shopping!

But children don’t deserve to lose their lives at such a young age to a foot-tall puppet demon from the North Pole with a creepily innocent smile and a bloodlust for holiday mayhem that won’t be quenched until the carpets are stained with the colors of a thousand candy canes. Kids should be able to look forward to this magical time of year without worry that Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s outcast nephew is lurking in the toy box, watching their every move like some kind of posable, fun-loving pervert, just waiting for the perfect time to strike.

If you want your kids to behave out of fear of not getting any Christmas presents, install security cameras in their rooms like any reasonable parent and tell them that Santa will be watching them over the Internet while he works.

But don’t openly welcome this creepy murderer into your house – Santa will be here soon enough.

The post Elf on a Shelf is a Creepy Murderer and You Know It appeared first on Just Laugh.

With headlines like Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs and WWE Challenges US Government to a Cage Match, only the biggest of idiots ever thought that any of these hilarious stories actually contained even one iota of truth and the rest of us all enjoyed a cavalcade of laughter at the farce of the ridiculous and the bizarre being proposed as legitimate news.

And then you came along – with your social medias and your political bias, devoid of any journalistic integrity that might actually drive you to research your shit before posting baseless drivel online in the form of stupid memes and clickbait articles for the sake of not laughs, but what???

Thanks to fake news being hijacked by the politically corrupt, dumb people will click on anything these days and consider it fact instead of being skeptical because even an idiot could tell that a woman stealing tampons from work for pleasure couldn’t possibly be a real thing … or even if it was, a real live, legitimate journalist wouldn’t see fit to write a story for a real live, legitimate newspaper about it!

This is not your 10th grade US history class where you could just make up any old tale about the revolutionary war being fought over free access to mashed potatoes and gravy and your drunk of a history teacher would just give everybody A’s because he’d spent the night before waltzing with Jack Daniels in his studio apartment above the music store downtown wondering how his life had become all of this when in college he’d really wanted to be a poet instead.

This is the Internet where we post pictures of cats and inspirational quotes attributed to the wrong people, but in an amusing sort of way, and you don’t just blatantly make up things that are false, but not in a satirical manner, because you enjoy confusing people like some sort of asshole who lives in a trashcan with surprisingly good Internet access.

It’s not hard to look things up online. You literally just type something like 2016 ELECTION POPULAR VOTE into that bar at the top of your screen and a page will pop up showing you the actual numbers so you don’t have to just randomly mash buttons on the keyboard until your incendiary meme is complete and ready to post.

When you post mindless drivel suggesting that one group of people did something bad to another group of people when truth be told both groups of people just stayed home and caught up on their respective Netflix queues instead, it does a disservice to legitimate mindless drivel trying to make people chuckle by suggesting that a woman punching a hamburger has intentions for running for the Republican presidential nomination.

So in the immortal words of President-Elect Donald Trump, which is sadly not a fake news creation by any stretch of one’s perverted imagination, “Stop it.”

The post Stop Sullying the Name of Fake News!!! appeared first on Just Laugh.

When he was just the host of some dumb TV show where he fired people for fame and glory and sometimes for charity; when he was just some random billionaire who had printed his name in gold on a bunch of tall buildings in New York, but otherwise harmless.

A lot has changed since then and somehow Donald Trump has managed to slink his way to the top of our news headlines every single day. It doesn’t matter what he says – we read about him, and as a writer I have to write about him, even though I truly despise the man and would presently rank him somewhere between Caligula and Attila the Hun in a list of Just The Worst Possible Guys of All Time. Ever.

Even when I think that I’m sitting down to write an article about poisoning children with Halloween candy or the Booger Eating Champion of Pipestone, Minnesota, my fingers gravitate to those letters that spell out the name of the Root of All Evil and the Leader of the GOP…

D O N A L D  T R U M P

It’s like my keyboard has transformed into a Ouija board and I’m just another conduit out of which random content about Donald Trump pours into our world, flooding our consciousness and eroding away the very fibers of our being with locker room language from another dimension and creepy winks that are likely capable of giving you the clap.

Late, late at night, after my children have all gone to sleep and the house is perfectly silent, I sit staring at this blinking cursor, fantasizing about an article, a blog post, hell – even a simple tweet, that speaks of colorblind owls or Santa Claus being an alcoholic once more, without any mention of He Who Shall Not NOT Be Named whatsoever…

I dream of this fantastical time of free creative expression, unburdened by the pressures of the worst human being ever potentially being elected to the most important political office in the land. In this world the sun shines a little more brightly, and the children are welcome to frolic in the streets without fear of overhearing whatever the scary, orange man is being mean about today.

Neighbors are friendly to one another, or at least not boisterously racist, and even the 4s and the 5s feel comfortable in their own skin as they co-exist among the 9s and the 10s in harmony.

Feeling my fingers curl in resistance as the calendar still looms forward towards Election Day … whenever it actually is … I know that his thorny, grasp of reality denial is one which we must endure for a while longer, but with the kindness of voters across this great country, in just a few short weeks writers like myself could one day experience that freedom once again that we haven’t felt since June 16, 2015.

Together we can make America great again … by collectively not typing the words Donald Trump into our columns and status updates and PornHub searches ever again.

And that’s change I can believe in…

The post A Writer Dreams of a Post-Trump World… appeared first on Just Laugh.