Is America aroused … sexually … when it comes to GUNS???

The only reason I ask is that shootings like the one that took place yesterday in San Bernardino that killed 14 people … they pretty much happen every single day. It’s getting to the point where it’s not so much disturbing as it is just embarrassing, like when your Mom catches you jacking off in your bedroom to midget porn and yet you keep forgetting to lock the door just like you did the last 354 times this year.

Of course, nobody dies with regards to midget porn – in fact, the midgets probably enjoy it just as much as you do!

I can’t help but imagine that America looks kind of like Yosemite Sam to the rest of the world after a day like yesterday – knee deep in political thoughts and prayers but notably absent of any actual action that might help prevent this exact same tragedy from quite literally taking place again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…

We’re at the point where the United States statistically has more guns than it does people, which puts us at roughly 124 million Yosemite Sams running around, waving their pistols wildly in the air when you consider that only 40% of the populace actually owns those 357 million guns! Nobody hunts that many deer or fears their government that much – pure, unadulterated sexual arousal is the only logical conclusion as to why The Best Country in the World would tolerate such a scathing homicidal record in one hand while it continually passes new legislation to deregulate gun ownership to keep its #1 circle jerk partner, the National Rifle Association, happy.

Now don’t get me wrong – America as a country is fairly young and lately it’s been going through some changes that it doesn’t entirely understand. These changes are perfectly normal, however it’s still important for an up and coming country to use protection if it happens to find itself acting on certain urges such as thinking that the answer to gun violence in America is even more guns.

It’s fine to enjoy the intimate pleasures of a nice Colt .45 revolver or perhaps a sleek and sexy, AR15 semiautomatic killing machine from time to time, but moderation is the key for a healthy, albeit perpetually handgun horny populace that is able to go multiple days in a row without murdering each other in cold blood. The reason that Yosemite Sam isn’t taken seriously in the greater Looney Tunes omniverse is because contrary to that giant red ‘stache’s outlook on life and wabbits, guns aren’t the solution to every single problem that exists on the planet…

You can’t feed homeless people with guns.

You can’t send a man to the moon with a gun.

And history shows that despite an admirable persistence, you can’t kill Bugs Bunny even with two guns.

So I want you to listen to me, America – being aroused by the cold, hard steel of a ballistic weapon is normal for a country of your age, but you’ve got to lock the door when you’re appreciating its beauty so that your mother doesn’t walk in and accidentally get shot in the face.

Eventually when you’re a little older, you’re going to learn how to solve your problems through calm, rational thought and peaceful discussions … hopefully sooner than later … but in the meantime, while you’re working through these difficult times if you could just keep your youthful, carnal lust for firepower in private where it belongs, the rest of us who enjoy living would certainly appreciate it…

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Author Unknown, but this fantastic display of Americana simply could not go unshared!

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Yes, we Americans face our problems head on, drawing upon the ingenuity and resourcefulness of our greatest thinkers. And what bigger problem do we currently face than the ever present threat of terrorism and how to thwart any repeats of 9/11?

Thank God the brain trust that is the Pentagon is on top of the situation. Although given the proposed solution, one might think that the reality TV producers in Hollywood had joined forces with Michael Milken to dream up this one. Let’s sell futures in terrorism! Predict the date of the next Palestinian uprising or when Saddam finally takes it up the ass and reap a dividend! If Martha Stewart, Inc is a good thing, well then, this must be a Sure Thing!

What a proud moment to be an American.

Thankfully, no sooner had this brilliant piece of cannibalism, er capitalism, been unveiled, it was met with swift and loudly vocal umbrage by some of the Senate’s biggest movers and shakers. Ron Wyden (D-OR) likened it to “a federal betting parlor on atrocities of terrorism.” And Tom Daeschle (D-SD) denounced it as “an incentive actually to commit acts of terrorism.” John Warner (R-VA) stated after brief investigation, that the Pentagon’s DARPA agency “didn’t think through the full ramifications of the program.”

Duh.

Let’s see, Terror Cell A buys futures in a plan they know Terror Cell B has in motion, Terror Cell B carries it out and then Terror Cell A laughs all the way to their bank in the Caymen Islands. Would insider trading laws apply?

As far as the “betting parlor” comparison, picture going into the Sports Book at Caesar’s on your next Vegas junket and laying down $20 that Osama meets Allah on Thanksgiving Day? Or playing Terrorist Keno, only the numbers represent possible dates for Suicide Bombings in Jerusalem?

Honestly, if this type of Stock Market “game” were established in any other country, with profits derived from the prediction of when the next plane would topple an American landmark, or when George Bush chokes on another pretzel, the entire Pentagon would be out in full force castigating said country with words like “Atrocious,” “Heathens” and “Savage.” Heck, Donald Rumsfeld would “opine” himself into a tizzy.

Luckily for Don and the rest of us, those same government officials who fund artwork made of feces and make a sport out of slandering one another, actually did something right this time. They came together to stop something stupid and vulgar before it managed to suck up millions of our hard earned tax dollars.

In the face of such immediate and bipartisan opposition, the plan was dismantled and those involved may now want to speculate on how much longer they will have jobs.

“I’ll take Unemployment Figures Rise for $500, Alex.”

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