So are you planning your own booshy Oscar party this year?! It’s not too late, but it almost is, so as expected – here are our finest tips to help make your Hollywood pity party the best thing since Orson Welles rambled incessantly for an hour and fifty-nine minutes about a sled…

• Be aware that the Academy Awards are, in fact, tonight.
• Two words – pizza rolls.
• Pirate all of the movies ahead of time so you can watch and cast your own votes, just like the Hollywood elite!
• Alcohol should be a given – if you haven’t each consumed a bottle and a half of merlot by the time they announce Best Animated Short Film, just turn your TV off and send everybody home because you’re clearly not taking the spirit of the awards show seriously.
• Don’t invite Debbie. That bitch is such a downer and we’re all tired of hearing about her affair with Derek from the PTA anyways.
• Do invite Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s a little-known secret among the industry that Leonardo DiCaprio makes a point to attend every single Academy Awards party to which he’s invited, so a quick call to good, old Leo is definitely worth your 25 cents!
• Make up some fun games to help get your party-goers in the spirit. Offer a $25 gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond for the first person who paints themselves gold and does a lap around the subdivision naked.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself if you still don’t win the award for Best Title Writing – it’s not your fault that the Academy didn’t see the brilliance you came up with in such stellar titles as True Story, Spy, and Steve Jobs. But you know, maybe try putting just a little thought into your titles for this year – that’s all we’re saying here, Greg…

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If you missed it on IFC last night, know that you can still watch CollegeHumor’s inaugural honoring of the funniest in musical comedy that the world has ever known – featuring the likes of CDZA, The Gregory Brothers, Tenacious D, and the captive recipient of this year’s lifetime achievement award … the legendary Weird Al Yankovic!

So much great comedy makes us all just want to sing about it, but maybe we’re better off leaving the vocals to seasoned professionals…

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“We’d just like to formally announce that the Academy has heard the words of Kanye West in particular very clear,” Academy Chair Christine Albert announced in a statement this morning. “And while it’s been our longstanding tradition to honor the best talent in the recording industry each year with our much anticipated festivities, we certainly don’t want any of our talented musicians to feel left out or not as good because they or one of their close friends wasn’t able to bring home one of our prized trophies for themselves on a given year.”

“That’s why starting in 2016,” Albert explained, “the Academy is proud to introduce a new category in our prestigious awards ceremony in which each and every member of the recording industry is already a winner, from the singers and songwriters themselves down to the composers, the marketing directors, and even those guys who stand on the corner in New York City handing out fliers – everyone!”

“Honestly, we just feel terrible that Mr. West feels so slighted for his friend Beyoncé not winning Album of the Year,” Albert told us candidly, “and because we all know that this certainly isn’t the first time that Mr. West has expressed his disappointment with our selection process, for the Academy this was a real sign that there was something that needed to be done differently. We want all of our promising musicians to enjoy the excitement that comes from walking up on that stage and collecting their very own Grammy, and starting next year, we’re proud to be able to do just that.”

“As a side note,” Albert added with a moderate sigh, “the Grammys will now be 47 hours long, thus offering even more opportunities for Mr. West to jump on stage and interrupt people throughout the show, so we’re still working on that. Nobody’s perfect…”

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