I know that, you know that, but God? He’s actually surprisingly lax about the whole thing, so better late than never when it comes to giving up stuff that you love for the Lord, am I right?!

Not sure about what you love enough to give up for this solemn religious observance in the Christian liturgical calendar? Once again we’ve put together a fantastic assortment of baubles and whatsits for your personal sacrifice to your otherwise deeply personal religious beliefs.

If you’re feeling extra-righteous, pick a couple of them to give up and boy, is Jesus going to be impressed!

• Five really small fish arranged ever so particularly on a brass plate.
• Podcasts.
• Collusion.
• Collard greens.
• Colanders.
• Cookie Monster Fan Fiction.
• The first 1/3 of the categories listed on PornHub – Amateur through Double Penetration.
• Pocket Lint.
• Your brother Clint.
• That dated parody song you’ve been working on – Too Legit to Lent.
• Stupid meetings at work.
• Toenail clippings.
• Leftover Halloween candy.
• At least three of the Ten Commandments – your pick.
• Not using your turn signals like a goddamned maniac.
• Pickle juice.
• Juicing (i.e. drugs).
• Bounce houses (if over 39″ tall).
• If you’re over 39″ tall, that is – 39″ would be a very small bounce house.
• #TinyBounceHouse
• Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.
• Peanut shells.
• Sexual harassment.
• Commenting on things on the Internet without reading them first.
• General personality-induced douchery.
• Bragging about the size of your nuclear button on Twitter.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to More Things You Should’ve Given Up for Lent appeared first on Just Laugh.

Everyone knows that you do it, Frank – you can’t snore like a goddamn buzzsaw during communion and not expect anyone to notice. Show a little respect!

Of course, Easter is a big time for Christians because second only to getting Christmas presents and being born and whatnot, we know with great certainty that Jesus loved hunting for Easter eggs. For it’s been said that nothing put a smile on that kid’s face quite like hopping out of bed on Easter morning and scurrying down the hall to find that the Easter Bunny had paid a visit to God’s kingdom, hiding brightly colored eggs filled with chocolates and a giant Easter basket overflowing with goodies for young Jesus to find…

Being an only child because his half brothers spent holidays with their mom, God tended to spoil Jesus something fierce because he was the kind of parent to love his boy through things instead of emotions. And that was perfectly fine with Jesus because it scored him all sorts of sweet presents like PlayStation games and Pokémon cards, and one year when he did particularly well on his report card, his father even let him get a bunny for Easter … though he quickly regretted it and turned the bunny into chocolate upon realizing just how much real bunnies poop all over the place!

Granted, it wasn’t all rainbows and jellybeans for Jesus growing up.

One not so good Friday, Jesus had a bit of a run in with some of the townsfolk and they roughed him up pretty bad, as angry mobs are wont to do. They forced him to wear this pointy hat and dragged him through the mud, and it really sucked the life out of poor Jesus … but as we all know, Jesus was never one to take a challenge laying down and only a few days later he was up and running again, some would even say filled with more life than ever.

Other years little Jesus faced similar hardships, like the one where his mother insisted on him wearing an Easter bonnet “just for a few photos” and then made him keep it on even longer because her sister was coming over and she thought it would be cute, despite looking absolutely ridiculous to anyone capable of free thought.

Still, he always looked forward to Easter dinner and had quite the fondness for lamb and roast ham, which kind of makes sense seeing that he was born in a barn and all. Jesus was sure to steer clear of the deviled eggs, though, as well as that weird green jelly thing with the fruit floating in it that everyone’s aunt always makes and then harasses everybody about never eating…

Yes, Easter was a magical time for young Jesus, filled with chocolate eggs and marshmallow peeps, and unnaturally pastel rabbits and Reese’s Pieces cleverly arranged in the shape of carrots, and if he was really lucky, some years Easter would fall in line on the calendar with spring break so he would get an extra long vacation from school culminating with presents and chocolate galore – can’t argue with that!

So this weekend while you’re hunting for those brightly colored eggs and dining on that glorious roast pig, take a moment to think of the little boy Jesus and the brief moment in time where he had a pet rabbit.

The good word is that he named him Sir Poops-a-Lot and fed him a diet of cream soda and jelly beans, but that – my sleepy churchgoers – is a tale for another day…

The post A Brief History of Jesus and the Easter Bunny appeared first on Just Laugh.

No, not Easter, so put away your bonnets and chocolate covered crosses for now, as well as one other item that fills your life with personal enjoyment because a little suffering never hurt nobody, am I right?!

It may not be quite as bad as walking for 40 days and nights through the desert without things like food and water and a nice, floppy hat to help keep the sun out of your eyes, but it’s cool – Jesus knows how much you love your Playstation and he appreciates your sacrifice nonetheless.

Need some help coming up with ideas for things to give up in the name of crazy religious rituals leading up to chocolate bunny celebrations? Just try any of these excellent Lent Day sacrifices on for size…

• Instagram filters.
• Frivolous trips to flavor town.
• Arguing with strangers on the Internet about how much of a pompous ass Donald Trump is.
• Forehead cleanliness.
• Watching foreign films with the subtitles turned off.
• Harvesting belly button lint for fun and profit.
• Lentils.
• The L-word.
• The other L-word.
• You know which word I’m talking about.
• Pronouncing Google as Googly which is admittedly a lot more fun.
• Chicken pot pies.
• Shouting obscenities at the neighbor’s cat.
• Internet searches with SafeSearch turned off.
• Mid-afternoon stretches.
• Keeping an eye on your children when they play around the pool.
• Scorpions.
• Waxing poetically about the love in your life that has been all but lost forever.
• Farts – both discretionary and good intentioned.
• NBC’s newest hit drama, This Is Us.
• Pretending to care about your older sister’s dance recital.
• Doing your best at your own dance recital.
• Dancing, Safety.
• Eating that cracker thing during Sunday mass.
• Writing potentially blasphemous jokes about Lent, during Lent.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Giving Things Up for Lent appeared first on Just Laugh.

The post Be the Merry Christmas you want to see on your coffee cup… appeared first on Just Laugh.

But while we’re on the subject, there are probably loads of other things that we’re all doing to screw up Christmas for the truly righteous, many of which we’ll never even know. But for the ones that we do, we might as well make a list so that we can maybe try to not do them in the future or something?

I mean for next year, that is, because Christmas 2015 is most definitely ruined with the whole cup thing alone! Here’s what we want to avoid for Christmas 2016…

• Not equally scrutinizing the color choices for cups, napkins, and disposable cutlery at our nation’s other quick service dining establishments.
• Already putting up our Boxing Day decorations in the middle of November.
• Drawing little devil horns on our snow angels like this is some sort of game or something.
• Eating regular, old boring M&M’s when special holiday flavors like peppermint and gingerbread are only available for a limited time.
• Using the Lord’s name in vainly like it’s going out of style when we can’t find a parking spot at the mall.
• Humming along to Frosty the Snowman instead of really taking the time to learn the message behind the song.
• Insisting that even though it’s the wrong holiday, fish is still very much totally and unequivocally meat.
• Continuing to put all of humanity’s faith in the magical wonder of Santa Claus instead of – you know, the other guy…

The post Other Ways That We’re Probably Ruining Christmas… appeared first on Just Laugh.

He’s actually the leader of the Catholic Church and God’s second in command, and this week his Grand Papalness has traveled all the way from his home high upon Mount Olympus to bestow upon those of us humble Americans who foolishly believe in his shenanigans the true path towards righteousness and free blessings and all sorts of shit like that.

Luckily, our crack staff managed to stumble upon the Pope’s official itinerary while he’s visiting the United States, so if you think our last Pope visit was a wild time, look what Pope Francis has in store for his very first trip to the humbly sacrilegious US of A…

• Remind 98% of American Christians that they’re completely out of touch with actual teachings of the Bible
• Highly anticipated appearance at the Texas 47th Annual Giant Hat Festival
• Meet Taylor Swift, but avoid getting written into one of her songs
• Blah blah … Holy Spirit … yada yada…
• Old Navy 40% Off Sale
• Sit through no more than 2.5 hours of denouncements from Republican Congressmen who don’t even wear pointy hats at all
• Smuggle in no less than 70,000 Syrian refugees, mostly under his gigantic Pope hat
• Maybe stop off for a Slurpee if they have time

The post What’s on the Agenda for the Pope’s Visit to America? appeared first on Just Laugh.

After reminding reporters that he literally created the Earth and the Heavens, and pretty much everything around them, he further mused, “It just seems kind of weird that someone of my stature would have a flag, doesn’t it? Does Chuck Norris have a flag?! No, Chuck Norris doesn’t need a flag for the world to know he’s a badass.”

Chuckling to himself as he rolled his eyes before returning to his newspaper, the Almighty laughed off the incident by saying, “Sometimes my followers do some pretty weird stuff – I’ve learned to just sort of roll with it…”

The post God Surprised to Learn That He Has a Flag appeared first on Just Laugh.

The Jesus Slingshot will help you do unto others before they can do unto you!

(via Dangerous Minds)

Extra Credit: Let he who is without sin kick the first ass.

The post The Jesus Slingshot appeared first on Just Laugh.

But why stop there when there are so many other things that we could be doing to protect the delicate followers of Christ being allowed to be total assholes in the name of their Almighty Lord and Savior?! Much like racist white people in the 1950s who were afraid of getting cooties from using the same drinking fountains and bus seats as their African American counterparts, we think that Americans can do so much more to make this country more comfortable for people of all religions, but let’s be honest – mostly for Christians, starting with the following…

• Mandating that all those discriminated against say at least one nice thing about their Christian discriminators.
• Spreading eggshells throughout the streets and insisting that everyone walk barefoot on Sundays to help the rest of us all to better understand the plight of the sensitive believer.
• Insisting that all gay people participate in at least one traditional marriage first just to be sure that they’ve considered their options.
• Asking that all those of alternative lifestyles and beliefs wear special badges so that Christians can more easily identify who they need to discriminate against.
• Banning all wedding cakes to ensure that straight people won’t be forced to bake for gay people, and square people won’t be forced to bake for round people, and so on and so forth…
• Putting the Christ back in Christmas, whatever that means, because without Christ Christmas is just mas, which we can all agree is boring as hell.
• Installing special drinking fountains, identical to regular fountains but filled with holy water, to preserve the sanctity of thine parched lips.
• Agreeing to disagree on that whole “fish isn’t meat”-thing during lent, even though it’s kind of ridiculous because fish is totally meat 365 days of the year.

The post Other Ways That We’re Protecting Religious Freedom… appeared first on Just Laugh.