Tina Fey returns to the hallowed halls of SNL once more because, well, Sarah Palin had to open her bear trap yet again…

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And of course, only 8 months from now in November we’ll be experiencing yet another Friday the 13th … man, talk about an unlucky year that this 2015 is turning out to be, huh?!

Naturally, most people are pretty much terrified of Friday the 13th, some so much that they’re afraid to go on airplanes or leave the house or even consume too much oxygen from sun up to sun down on this hallowed day. And rightfully so, but let it be known that black cats and broken mirrors aren’t the only things to be concerned about as long as we’re making up completely indeterminate theories about the random goings on around us…

• EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLLS – If you neglect to change the roll when it’s empty, there will be a time in the near future when someone else will make the same mistake at your own unfortunate expense.
• KETCHUP – If you spill ketchup, you will have a serious argument with the person who wanted it after you.
• CHRISTMAS LIGHTS – If you don’t take your decorations down before getting a letter from your Homeowner’s Association, Santa Claus will bring you $25 less in Christmas gifts next year.
• LOOSE LEGOS – If you forget to put away all of the Legos just once, you will randomly step on them at night for the rest of your life.
• FROGS – If you lick a frog, it will bring you good luck … if you define good luck as being completely repulsive to members of the opposite sex for the rest of the evening.
• FORKS – If you use a fork to eat pizza, the chef may consider it disrespectful. I will definitely consider it disrespectful. Eat your pizza like a normal person, you weirdo.
• FRIED CHICKEN – There are no superstitions related to fried chicken – the author of this article simply adores alliteration.
• DIRTY LAUNDRY – A laundry pile left unchecked is like an invitation signed, sealed, and delivered to the sock monster.
• SLEEP – You sleep your best after roughly 3 1/2 bottles of wine.
• SHOES – A woman who has one pair of shoes for every year old she is will be blessed with a very tolerating husband.
• ICE CREAM – People who eat pistachio ice cream are the only ones who can spell the word pistachio.
• VACATION – As soon as you get off the plane coming back from Florida, you will have six more weeks of winter.
• MARIJUANA – A few bushes planted discretely out back will keep “bad spirits” away. At least in three states so far it will…

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