donald trump – Just Laugh https://justlaugh.com Your Source for Humor on the Internet... Mon, 26 Feb 2018 22:01:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 42571922 Trump Threatens to Start Kicking Puppies in Refute of Russian Collusion https://justlaugh.com/features/fake-news/2018/trump-threatens-start-kicking-puppies-refute-russian-collusion/ Mon, 26 Feb 2018 22:01:44 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5531 WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – After a flurry of frustrated tweets insisting that he couldn’t even spell the word “collusion,” much less be involved with whatever it’s supposed to be, President Donald Trump took to announcing a more focused approach to persuade the nation that it was time to move on from blaming him for soliciting help from the noble communists of the Russian Federation to aid in his election and overall demoralization of the United States. “Literally every person in America loves me except for the mainstream media,” explained President Trump calmly and rationally. “They love what I’m doing to the environment, they love how I refused to share my personal tax returns while also lowering taxes extensively for fellow billionaires, and they showed it by making every appearance that I’ve hosted since my election the most attended events in the history of this great nation.” “I don’t know who else has to say it,” the disheartened Trump continued. “Fox News reports on it every day, Wikileaks has posted their groundbreaking espionage about it … even Alex Jones of Infowars agrees, ‘Trump didn’t collude…’ – end of story!” “I mean, Alex Jones also thinks that there are aliens living in the basement [...]

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]]> WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – After a flurry of frustrated tweets insisting that he couldn’t even spell the word “collusion,” much less be involved with whatever it’s supposed to be, President Donald Trump took to announcing a more focused approach to persuade the nation that it was time to move on from blaming him for soliciting help from the noble communists of the Russian Federation to aid in his election and overall demoralization of the United States.

“Literally every person in America loves me except for the mainstream media,” explained President Trump calmly and rationally. “They love what I’m doing to the environment, they love how I refused to share my personal tax returns while also lowering taxes extensively for fellow billionaires, and they showed it by making every appearance that I’ve hosted since my election the most attended events in the history of this great nation.”

“I don’t know who else has to say it,” the disheartened Trump continued. “Fox News reports on it every day, Wikileaks has posted their groundbreaking espionage about it … even Alex Jones of Infowars agrees, ‘Trump didn’t collude…’ – end of story!”

“I mean, Alex Jones also thinks that there are aliens living in the basement of the White House who I bowl with every Thursday night after Hannity, but he’s spot on about the no collusion thing. SPOT ON.”

“I wish that I had more friends like Fox & Friends – that gang really provides honest and respectable news coverage, and the women on there … WOW … let’s just say that if they didn’t all have sexual harassment suits against their former employer, I might be dating them!” the President joked about the subject that spiked a major political movement in the previous year under his administration.

“So here’s what I’m gonna do,” he finally alluded, “people love puppies.”

“They love ’em!”

“Puppies are a $14 billion industry in America, and I just bought an entire case of them because starting today, whenever somebody accuses me of ‘colluding with the Russians to ruin America,’ I’m going to get up from my desk in the Oval Office, and I’m going to go outside and punt a puppy across the South Lawn.”

“Would you like that, Democrats – your President kicking puppies across the White House lawn because you don’t want to stop spreading fake news about how I occasionally like to sit next to Vladimir Putin for a nice steam and talk to him in detail about his hopes and aspirations for the world???”

“Because it’s going to happen,” Trump said, looking directly into the camera with a fierce sigh, “and I think everyone who loves puppies in this country will agree that Donald Trump didn’t ever collude with the Russians about nothing.”

“But go ahead and keeping saying that I did if you hate puppies,” the President challenged. “I’ve got a whole box of these things and you’ll be surprised at the distance I can get out of one of them when Pence stands one up like a football for me.”

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]]> 5531 Just Laugh’s Guide to Political Avalanches https://justlaugh.com/features/2017/just-laughs-guide-political-avalanches/ Wed, 10 May 2017 21:00:22 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5467 There comes a time in every president’s term when he must ask himself – am I going to finally concede to my nepotism, my corruption, and my collusion with the Russian government that got me elected in the first place, or am I going to go out flailing and tweeting my inane bullshit until they finally drag me back to my golden tower in Manhattan that I probably should have never left in the first place??? As certain events have hinted that an avalanche of sorts may be rapidly barreling down the mountain, we’ve assembled a list of helpful tips to guide the rest of American “through this disaster” on to the light at the end of the shit storm that Donald Trump’s short-lived political career has been… DO make sure to take some time in advance to stretch your gloating muscles because it’s been a long three and a half months of … whatever the hell this was. DON’T start popping your popcorn just yet, as politicians have a way of drawing things out ad nauseam and nobody likes eating stale popcorn. DO be prepared to endure lots of waffling, and not the good kind of waffling that comes with copious amounts of syrup. DON’T forget to tip your [...]

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]]> There comes a time in every president’s term when he must ask himself – am I going to finally concede to my nepotism, my corruption, and my collusion with the Russian government that got me elected in the first place, or am I going to go out flailing and tweeting my inane bullshit until they finally drag me back to my golden tower in Manhattan that I probably should have never left in the first place???

As certain events have hinted that an avalanche of sorts may be rapidly barreling down the mountain, we’ve assembled a list of helpful tips to guide the rest of American “through this disaster” on to the light at the end of the shit storm that Donald Trump’s short-lived political career has been…

  • DO make sure to take some time in advance to stretch your gloating muscles because it’s been a long three and a half months of … whatever the hell this was.
  • DON’T start popping your popcorn just yet, as politicians have a way of drawing things out ad nauseam and nobody likes eating stale popcorn.
  • DO be prepared to endure lots of waffling, and not the good kind of waffling that comes with copious amounts of syrup.
  • DON’T forget to tip your waitress at Waffle House – she works hard for her money and tipping represents a significant portion of her income.
  • DO try to avoid standing directly underneath the avalanche, as the deluge of Trump byproducts is likely to make quite the mess on its way down.
  • DON’T be surprised if the USA doesn’t get a Christmas card from Russia this year.
  • DO keep in mind that of everyone who will be affected by Donald Trump’s inevitable fall back to earth, your Republican uncle will likely take it the hardest of all, so be sure to show his feelings the same level of compassion and sympathy that he’s shown your cuck snowflake libtard ass since Trump was elected back in November.
  • DON’T be sad – America will soon be able to look at itself in the mirror once again.

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]]> 5467 Highlights of Donald Trump’s First 100 Days as President of the United States https://justlaugh.com/features/2017/5456/ Mon, 01 May 2017 20:39:57 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5456 Day #2 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #8 – Banned entry to the United States for travelers from terror-prone regions for approximately 8 days. Day #12 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #15 – Noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger did awful at his old job of hosting The Apprentice. Day #20 – Protested retailer Nordstrom for treating his daughter Ivanka so unfairly. Day #40 – Admitted that nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated. Day #47 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #65 – Encouraged 28.6 million Twitter followers to watch Judge Jeanine on Fox News at 9:00pm. Day #67 – Appointed son-in-law Jared Kushner to lead shadow government. Day #72 – Discretely excommunicated Kellyanne Conway from the kingdom, never to be seen or heard from on network television again. Day #77 – Ate the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen. Day #87 – Boasted twice as many rounds of golf since his inauguration as President Obama played. Day #89 – Celebrated Tax Day by remaining steadfast in his dedication to not release his own tax returns to the American public. Day #98 [...]

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]]> Day #2 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

Day #8 – Banned entry to the United States for travelers from terror-prone regions for approximately 8 days.

Day #12 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

Day #15 – Noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger did awful at his old job of hosting The Apprentice.

Day #20 – Protested retailer Nordstrom for treating his daughter Ivanka so unfairly.

Day #40 – Admitted that nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.

Day #47 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

Day #65 – Encouraged 28.6 million Twitter followers to watch Judge Jeanine on Fox News at 9:00pm.

Day #67 – Appointed son-in-law Jared Kushner to lead shadow government.

Day #72 – Discretely excommunicated Kellyanne Conway from the kingdom, never to be seen or heard from on network television again.

Day #77 – Ate the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen.

Day #87 – Boasted twice as many rounds of golf since his inauguration as President Obama played.

Day #89 – Celebrated Tax Day by remaining steadfast in his dedication to not release his own tax returns to the American public.

Day #98 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

Day #102 – Thought that this job would be easier…

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]]> 5456 Other Ways That Obama May Have Been Spying on the Trump Campaign… https://justlaugh.com/features/2017/ways-obama-may-spying-trump-campaign/ Tue, 14 Mar 2017 00:01:40 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5413 Watching old episodes of The Apprentice in reverse while tripping acid. Eye hole cut-outs in the mandatory gilded portraits of Donald Trump that hang in every break room in Trump Tower. Time travel. An army of frighteningly accurate Kellyanne Conway life model decoys. Remember that bald eagle that attacked Trump? That eagle had deep cover Obama operative written all over it… Rosie O’Donnell disguised as a cable repairman. Found lone Trump employee willing to compromise his boss on account of him being a complete and total nutjob. Following @realdonaldtrump on Twitter.

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]]>
  • Watching old episodes of The Apprentice in reverse while tripping acid.
  • Eye hole cut-outs in the mandatory gilded portraits of Donald Trump that hang in every break room in Trump Tower.
  • Time travel.
  • An army of frighteningly accurate Kellyanne Conway life model decoys.
  • Remember that bald eagle that attacked Trump? That eagle had deep cover Obama operative written all over it…
  • Rosie O’Donnell disguised as a cable repairman.
  • Found lone Trump employee willing to compromise his boss on account of him being a complete and total nutjob.
  • Following @realdonaldtrump on Twitter.

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    ]]>     5413     President Trump: “Nobody Knew Being President Was So Complicated” https://justlaugh.com/shorts/headlines/2017/president-trump-nobody-knew-president-complicated/ Tue, 28 Feb 2017 04:05:32 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5373 The post President Trump: “Nobody Knew Being President Was So Complicated” appeared first on Just Laugh.

    ]]>     The post President Trump: “Nobody Knew Being President Was So Complicated” appeared first on Just Laugh.

    ]]>     5373     Reasons Why President Trump Isn’t Attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner https://justlaugh.com/features/2017/reasons-president-trump-isnt-attending-white-house-correspondents-dinner/ Mon, 27 Feb 2017 16:00:51 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5359 Already has a root canal scheduled for that day, figuring it will be less painful. Hasn’t been able to figure out a way that he can personally profit from the event yet. Prefers to surround himself with people who he hasn’t called the lyingest liars in all of liardom. After a busy week of bullshitting, the President just wants to relax at Mar-A-Lago with a few other close bullshitters. Bathrobe. Twitter. Unopened case of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Expects to have disbanded the fourth estate by then anyways, so… Have you had the Chicken Marengo they serve at those things?! Just disgraceful! Worried the night will just be filled with jokes about the size of his inauguration.

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    ]]>
  • Already has a root canal scheduled for that day, figuring it will be less painful.
  • Hasn’t been able to figure out a way that he can personally profit from the event yet.
  • Prefers to surround himself with people who he hasn’t called the lyingest liars in all of liardom.
  • After a busy week of bullshitting, the President just wants to relax at Mar-A-Lago with a few other close bullshitters.
  • Bathrobe. Twitter. Unopened case of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
  • Expects to have disbanded the fourth estate by then anyways, so…
  • Have you had the Chicken Marengo they serve at those things?! Just disgraceful!
  • Worried the night will just be filled with jokes about the size of his inauguration.

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    ]]>     5359     What He Said / What He Really Meant… – Donald Trump edition https://justlaugh.com/features/2016/donald-trump-said-vs-really-meant/ Thu, 24 Nov 2016 01:30:50 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5286 It’s been roughly two weeks since The Donald won the presidency, and though he isn’t set to officially take office until January, some have already raised concerns that our new Hairpiece in Chief may be dialing back on some of the promises that he made during his campaign. So just to help clear up any confusion, we’ve put together this handy guide to better understand Mr. Trump’s decrees straight from the horse’s … mouth? Sure, let’s go with that… What Trump Said… “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.” What He Really Meant… “I will build a wall … I mean, maybe not an actual wall – in some places we’ll use fencing, or chicken wire, or those little white decorative ones you can buy at Home Depot to go around your garden … but it’ll still be great. If Mexico still doesn’t want to pay for it, maybe we can apply for one of those Home Depot credit cards or something…” What Trump Said… “It is time to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.” What He Really Meant… “We’re going to drain the swamp, scrub out the liner and [...]

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    ]]>     It’s been roughly two weeks since The Donald won the presidency, and though he isn’t set to officially take office until January, some have already raised concerns that our new Hairpiece in Chief may be dialing back on some of the promises that he made during his campaign.

    So just to help clear up any confusion, we’ve put together this handy guide to better understand Mr. Trump’s decrees straight from the horse’s … mouth? Sure, let’s go with that…

    What Trump Said…

    “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

    What He Really Meant…

    “I will build a wall … I mean, maybe not an actual wall – in some places we’ll use fencing, or chicken wire, or those little white decorative ones you can buy at Home Depot to go around your garden … but it’ll still be great. If Mexico still doesn’t want to pay for it, maybe we can apply for one of those Home Depot credit cards or something…”

    What Trump Said…

    “It is time to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.”

    What He Really Meant…

    “We’re going to drain the swamp, scrub out the liner and just polish it up real nice, then refill it with an entirely new cast of alligators and frogs and other swamp-dwelling creatures that are so much greater than the ones who were living in that swamp before I came along.”

    What Trump Said…

    “We need to repeal Obamacare and completely replace it…”

    What He Really Meant…

    “Whoa – I mean, let’s not be too hasty here! Have you read Obamacare? There’s actually some decent stuff in there, though that name could use a bit of Trumping Up, if you know what I’m saying…”

    What Trump Said…

    “I may cut [the] Department of Education – Common Core is a very bad thing.”

    What He Really Meant…

    “I may choose someone from the Board of Directors of one of the largest Common Core advocacy groups to lead the Department of Education.”

    What Trump Said…

    “I’m going to instruct the Attorney General to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hillary Clinton’s] situation…”

    What He Really Meant…

    “I have no intention of putting my defeated political opponent in jail – that’s just crazy talk! Do I look like a crazy person to you?! Because that’s what I would be if I tried to put my political opponent behind bars – C-R-A-Z-Y.”

    What Trump Said…

    “When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything … grab them by the pussy.”

    What He Really Meant…

    “I, err, ummm – I mean, out of context, what I really was saying was a compliment? …because nobody grabs women by the pussy greater than me … no wait, I didn’t mean – shit. That came out really bad, didn’t it?”

    “You don’t think my daughter heard it, though, do you? You know, if she wasn’t my daughter, I might be dating her…”

    “…and yet that came out sounding incredibly pervy too…”

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    ]]>     5286     Other Things Trump Could Buy With His $25 Million Settlement… https://justlaugh.com/features/2016/things-trump-buy-25-million-settlement/ Sat, 19 Nov 2016 20:30:04 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5246 It was recently announced that President-Elect Donald Trump would settle numerous lawsuits that he’s currently facing over Trump University, thus absolving himself of any liability for kind of scamming roughly 6,000 Americans out of their life savings with promises of lifestyles of the rich and famous, and golden toilet seats, and so on and so forth… Now fear not because it wasn’t his only $25 million, but there are probably still plenty of other ways he’d rather spend that money – and here are a few ideas that we think Mr. Trump would really enjoy! 109,649 digital subscriptions to The New York Times 454.545 adopted polar bears, which is significantly more than how many are actually left in the world thanks to climate change 62,500 romantic, yet completely consensual nights on the town in New York City 1,250 health insurance plans for hardworking Americans 1,002,406 pocket-sized copies of the United States Constitution, featuring all 27 amendments … even that pesky first one 8,878 gallons of Ivanka Trump’s signature fragrance – Ivanka Trump For Women 125,000,000 minutes of long distance calling between the United States and Russia 1 154-foot luxury yacht that sleeps 10 and has its own hot tub and has never once been accused of being fraudulent

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    ]]>     It was recently announced that President-Elect Donald Trump would settle numerous lawsuits that he’s currently facing over Trump University, thus absolving himself of any liability for kind of scamming roughly 6,000 Americans out of their life savings with promises of lifestyles of the rich and famous, and golden toilet seats, and so on and so forth…

    Now fear not because it wasn’t his only $25 million, but there are probably still plenty of other ways he’d rather spend that money – and here are a few ideas that we think Mr. Trump would really enjoy!

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    ]]>     5246     Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving Dinner, 2016 Edition https://justlaugh.com/features/humor-columns/2016/tips-surviving-thanksgiving-dinner-2016-edition/ Fri, 18 Nov 2016 16:30:49 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5227 Much like at Alice’s Restaurant, the cult classic folk ballad by Arlo Guthrie that seems to resurface on the radio every Thanksgiving on the ride over to Grandma’s house, this year it seems that “You can get anything you want” in America as well, assuming that what you wanted was a resurgence of that good, old-fashioned racism, sexism, and bigotry that promises to Make America Great Again after we somehow managed to … elect Donald Trump as our next president??? Seriously – the guy from The Apprentice. “You’re fired?” I guess it was a little catchier back when he was just sitting on a gold-encrusted throne in the boardroom of Trump Tower instead of the Oval Office where he’s likely to face challenges a little bigger than trying to make Bret Michaels and Omarosa get along, but hey, I’m sure everything will work out just fine, right?! Needless to say, with the country literally divided in half for pretty much the most significant election of our lifetime, that Thanksgiving dinner this year where we gather the family red and blue alike around the table in celebration of gratitude or some nonsense is likely to be just a wee bit intense in homes where the entire lot of them weren’t all collectively aboard the Trump Train… [...]

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    ]]>     Much like at Alice’s Restaurant, the cult classic folk ballad by Arlo Guthrie that seems to resurface on the radio every Thanksgiving on the ride over to Grandma’s house, this year it seems that “You can get anything you want” in America as well, assuming that what you wanted was a resurgence of that good, old-fashioned racism, sexism, and bigotry that promises to Make America Great Again after we somehow managed to … elect Donald Trump as our next president???

    Seriously – the guy from The Apprentice. “You’re fired?”

    I guess it was a little catchier back when he was just sitting on a gold-encrusted throne in the boardroom of Trump Tower instead of the Oval Office where he’s likely to face challenges a little bigger than trying to make Bret Michaels and Omarosa get along, but hey, I’m sure everything will work out just fine, right?!

    Needless to say, with the country literally divided in half for pretty much the most significant election of our lifetime, that Thanksgiving dinner this year where we gather the family red and blue alike around the table in celebration of gratitude or some nonsense is likely to be just a wee bit intense in homes where the entire lot of them weren’t all collectively aboard the Trump Train…

    …with the railroad industry being one of the few that Donald Trump hasn’t declared bankruptcy in yet…

    This humble list of suggestions I present to you in an attempt to make peace at dinner tables across America – at least until the family unbuckles their pants and falls asleep from overindulgence on turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie like our Founding Fathers intended.

    • Respect the political differences you have with your relatives by never looking them directly in the eye and muttering expletives under your breath when they’re just out of earshot.
    • Subtly work in the hashtag #TurkeyLivesMatter when you’re saying the family blessing.
    • Prepare a list of pre-approved discussion topics for the dinner table that everyone can enjoy, including subjects like “Wasn’t the turkey more moist last year?” and “Please tell me you bought more than one box of wine…”
    • Try not to bring up the fact that if the Indians had only built a 50-foot wall of solid concrete along the eastern seaboard, maybe none of this would’ve ever happened.
    • Refrain from calling your Aunt Meredith a xenophobic fascist – at least until after she passes the sweet potato casserole.
    • If you need to take a moment during your delicious Thanksgiving meal, feel free to weep silently into the cranberry sauce … nobody’s going to eat that stuff anyways.
    • Ixnay on the opular vote-pay.
    • Don’t throw food at your siblings for supporting Trump; throw food at them for chasing you around the backyard with the garden hose when you were seven.
    • Celebrate the commonalities associated with Thanksgiving that we can all appreciate – things like overeating and pumpkin pie and sitting on our butts while somebody else does the dishes!
    • And if nothing else, never underestimate the power of stuffing your ears full of mashed potatoes and chanting, “La la la – maybe the electors will still pick Hillary anyways…” over and over again until it’s time to go Black Friday shopping.

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    ]]>     5227     10 Things We’d Rather Be Talking About Than President-Elect Donald Trump https://justlaugh.com/features/2016/10-things-wed-rather-talking-president-elect-donald-trump/ Thu, 10 Nov 2016 20:10:00 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5172 Giraffes Did you know that giraffes have a black tongue? It sounds kind of disturbing, but it’s actually pretty neat to watch them slurping leaves off of the highest trees – yum yum yum! The Meaning of Life Why are we here? Is there other intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?? And if so, do they happen to have any amazing fondue recipes that we haven’t thought of yet??? Colonizing Mars As far as we can tell, they don’t have a two-party system or the electoral college there yet, so Mars has that going for it. Would The Beatles Still Be Together Today If John Lennon Hadn’t Been Assassinated? Maybe. Chips with Queso I could go for some right about now if you guys want to split an order for the table. The Birds and the Bees Just two members of the same species having raunchy, unadulterated consensual intercourse – ain’t nothing wrong with that! Margaritaville It’s not a real place like Mars is, but it’s a state of mind where the tequila bar is always open which sounds pretty inviting right about now. CHRISTMAS!!! It’s never too early to start talking about Santa and Frosty, and Jesus, and being [...]

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    ]]>     Giraffes
    Did you know that giraffes have a black tongue? It sounds kind of disturbing, but it’s actually pretty neat to watch them slurping leaves off of the highest trees – yum yum yum!

    The Meaning of Life
    Why are we here? Is there other intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?? And if so, do they happen to have any amazing fondue recipes that we haven’t thought of yet???

    Colonizing Mars
    As far as we can tell, they don’t have a two-party system or the electoral college there yet, so Mars has that going for it.

    Would The Beatles Still Be Together Today If John Lennon Hadn’t Been Assassinated?
    Maybe.

    Chips with Queso
    I could go for some right about now if you guys want to split an order for the table.

    The Birds and the Bees
    Just two members of the same species having raunchy, unadulterated consensual intercourse – ain’t nothing wrong with that!

    Margaritaville
    It’s not a real place like Mars is, but it’s a state of mind where the tequila bar is always open which sounds pretty inviting right about now.

    CHRISTMAS!!!
    It’s never too early to start talking about Santa and Frosty, and Jesus, and being outraged over whatever color Starbucks makes their cups this year! Grrrr…

    The Second Coming of Christ
    I mean, hopefully he waits until after Christmas so it doesn’t spoil everybody’s holiday cheer, but The Second Coming of Christ – boy, that sure would be something, wouldn’t it?!

    The Good, Old Days…
    You know, back when we were growing up and we had the world at our fingertips, and we hadn’t just elected an egomaniacal bigot to be our President who will likely incite a race war that will lead us into World War 3 – those were the days.

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    ]]>     5172