donuts – Just Laugh

FBI Demands Backdoor to Nation’s Donut Shops

Scott Sevener — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 02:28:13 +0000

WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – Citing enhanced security concerns and the need to access emergency sustenance at a moment’s notice, FBI officials demanded Tuesday morning that donut shops and coffee houses across the country be required to provide the agency with unfettered access to their sweet breakfast pastries 24×7 in the name of public safety.

“Terrorists these days,” said FBI Associate Deputy Director Dan Crueller, “they don’t always wait until after the donut shop opens at 6am to get started on their evil-doing for the day. By limiting our agency’s access to these sugary additions to a balanced breakfast, we’re essentially giving the bad guys a head start on terrorizing America and when push comes to shove, nobody wants to think that the lack of easy access to a couple of glazed donuts and maybe an eclair jeopardized the safety and security of their loved ones here in these fine United States of America.”

Explaining that the backdoor requested would only be used for legitimate law enforcement purposes and never to impress their buddies about how they can totally score a bag full of chocolate long johns after the bar closes just because they’ve got a badge, officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation insisted that in the dangerous, post-9/11 world that we live in today, giving law enforcement personnel access to pretty much anything they want in the name of security was essential to the security of every American citizen’s security, whether it be allowing unencrypted access to your cell phone or simply leaving a key under the mat in case an officer happens to get the munchies in the middle of one of those late-night investigations.

“Also,” Associate Deputy Director Crueller added, “if they could maybe leave a pot of coffee on low – regular, none of that decaf crap – just in case, that would definitely help with public safety a bunch, too.”

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WANTED: Jelly Donut

Scott Sevener — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 23:07:43 +0000

Seeking fruit-filled, sugary breakfast pastry for immediate part-time opening in my belly.

Preferred candidates will feature fresh strawberry or perhaps blueberry jam, with generous quantities of powdered sugar on top. Applicants should be ready for entry into a fast-paced, high demand environment that will see their skills put to the test from the very first day of employment.

Pay commensurate with deliciousness, with referral bonuses available to family and friends with similar credentials.

This is a timed requisition which will expire if no applicants are present by the time I leave to grab lunch.

Equal opportunity employer, except for crullers. Flavorless, grocery store donuts need not apply.

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Six Foods That Won’t Be the Same Without Trans Fats

Scott Sevener — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 16:20:37 +0000

First they came for our trans fats, and we said nothing.

Then they came for our Twizzlers and Gummy Bears…

It’s true – this week the FDA officially cited our beloved trans fats as “not generally recognized as safe for use in human food” – whatever that means, and thus we Americans now only have a wee three years to properly say goodbye to these delicious but no longer nutritious food properties that have made so many of our favorite dishes basically like eating a meal with death incarnate.

Today we reminisce with this collection of foods that look quite yummy, indeed, but they just won’t be the same without trans fats…

Everybody loves the smell of bacon cooking in the morning – can you even imagine how decadent that shit would be if it were laced with some 100% bonafide trans fats?!

I love me some pizza! Nothing makes for a great Friday night like a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper and a large pizza with pepperoni, extra cheese, and an extra-extra helping of trans fats … but not anymore…

You’ve met this chick before – she claims that she’s “soooo fat!” yet she can pinch all of the fat in her entire body between two fingers! Let’s switch out her toothpaste with some trans fats for a few months and teach her what being fat really looks like…

Nothing says summer like a nice slice of watermelon, but without those juicy trans fats that watermelon is known for, what’s the point?!

I never really did understand people who eat their hamburgers with an egg on top. Trans fats or not, pick a meal and own it!

I’m honestly not sure what’ll even be left of donuts once they pull out all of the trans fats. Maybe that’s how they make bagels … that would kind of make sense.

Editor’s Note: The author of this article may or may not know what trans fats actually are and as such, the information you just read should not be construed as nutritional insight of any kind. We’re probably better off without trans fats anyways, and sunshine, and rainbows, and general fun of any sort…

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A Krispy Kreme Katastrophe…

Scott Sevener — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 20:30:03 +0000

Krispy Kreme Apologizes for “KKK Wednesdays” Promotion

“Apparently short for “Krispy Kreme Klub Wednesdays,” the store responsible for the sign says they didn’t realize the initials had already been taken another, more famous KKK, until Facebook fans pointed out the unfortunate similarity.”

(via Gawker)

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