Here at ESJHS, we pride ourselves in the level of dedication that our teachers make to the safety and education of our students, and we’re looking forward to a crisis-free school year that will allow the majority of our staff to sleep at night unmedicated.

A bit of formal business…

• We’re excited to announce a new AR-15: Shoot, Educate, Survive weapons package from our defense partners at ArmaLite that includes a lightweight and classroom ready, semi-automatic rifle, premium leather sport strap embroidered with our school logo, and limited edition polishing kit for only $1,199. Orders placed in the next two weeks will also receive a free 8″ carbon steel hunting knife – perfect for hand-to-hand combat! Payroll deduct forms are available in the teacher’s lounge.
• Please take some time to familiarize yourself with the new defense protocols which have been installed in your classroom over the summer. We’re happy that last year’s PTA was able to raise enough funds to add laser tripwires to all of our halls which will trigger a high-pitched alert in classrooms at the slightest disruption. Additionally, in the event of an interior breach, your desk can be converted into a sniper’s nest in 15 easy steps – Mr. Stephens has posted a walkthrough video on LearnNet that you’ll want to watch!
• ESJHS is pleased to announce that Ashley Hall and Riley Davis are our latest Faculty Sharpshooters, having completed the prerequisite 300 hours of training and intrusion drills over their summer break. Way to duck and cover, girls!
• A newsletter will be going out to parents to announce the new grenade bar that has been added to the cafeteria lunch line where students will be able to choose from a selection of explosive charges in popular colors. These are going to be a big hit for helping to keep our playground perimeter secure, so as we say each morning here at ESJHS – “Be ready for anything!”
• And finally, as you are well aware, our supplies have once again run critically low, so please be sure to remind students that the priority items on their school supply list continue to be the recommended 4 boxes of Remington .223 steel case ammunition (20 count) – both Short Range and Distance Plus varieties are needed.
• • Note: Tissues, #2 pencils, copy paper, and sympathy cards may be purchased in bulk with your own funds from the nearby Super Target, however please remember that these items will no longer be tax deductible in 2018.

Don’t forget…

• Teachers In-Service Days this year will be focused around battlefield tactics and small arms management, so put away those study guides and wear comfortable shoes as we’re going to be transforming our school into some really creative active shooter scenarios that will leave you having night sweats and career regrets the rest of your 4-day week!

Have a great year, teachers – shoot to learn!

 – Principal Gary J. “Machine Gun” Meyers

The post Welcome to Davison County Public Schools Sponsored by ArmaLite! appeared first on Just Laugh.

While some liberal fascists within our society will be quick to blame access to this advanced weaponry whenever they’re used to kill people in staggering numbers around our nation on a way too regular basis, it’s of the utmost importance for the freedom of our masculinity that we deter any discussion around making efforts to restrict access to these beautiful killing machines, with their precision targeting and ability to stave off tyranny, when the man threatens to tear them away from our warm, fleshy hands.

Here are some tips to help turn the discussion about gun control back where it really belongs…

• Cite the 2nd Amendment early and often. Well, not the part about the whole “well-regulated militia” … try to skip over that if at all possible.
• Adamantly suggest that mental health is clearly the real culprit here, as a guy taking anti-depressants obviously poses more of a threat to society than someone hoarding a cache of weapons large enough to arm a entire militia just in case.
• Seize any opportunity to correct people about semantics, such as the fact that the “AR” in AR-15 actually stands for Armalite – the maker of the rifle and not assault rifle. There’s no better way to honor the dead than by maintaining a smugly superior knowledge about the weapon that was used to kill them.
• Reminders that only good guys follow the law anyways are a great way to drive home the fact that it’d be really awesome to live in the Wild Wild West where you could shoot a man in the street if he accidentally took a sip out of your sarsaparilla.
• Don’t let liberals bully you into thinking that arming kindergarten teachers isn’t a perfectly viable opportunity for gun manufacturers in the United States to surge their back to school sales revenues.
• Violence in video games is always an easy option to deflect attention away from gun control. Remember that power pellet epidemic we saw back in the 1980s when Pac-Man was first released in arcades across the country???
• Don’t think of mass shooting survivors as innocent children who’ve just endured a horrific tragedy as much as future Democratic voters who’ll no doubt be after your guns, too … especially because it’s basically your fault that legislation hasn’t already been passed that could’ve very well saved their classmates’ lives.
• And if all else fails, simply remind your debate partner that Sarah Palin herself says that our guns are the only thing that protect us from tyranny – which is a perfectly normal thing for someone who has served as the heads of both local and state government, and then ran for a position second in command of the federal government to say.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Making Excuses for Talking About Gun Control appeared first on Just Laugh.

“Grapes!”

Only he didn’t say, “Grapes.” He said the word … the big one … the mother of all politically-charged words – the “G-dash-dash-dash” word!!!

“What did he say?!” fumed a stunned Wayne LaPierre from his heavily fortified mountain stronghold some 250-miles away.

“Um … errr…” the president stuttered, but the damage had already been done.

“That’s what I thought he said…” the head of the NRA confirmed with a sneer as he turned to board his chariot of fire and prepared to round up his band of true 2nd amendment believers as the sky turned black with the rage of five million impassioned gun owners.

It was all over – that much, the two-term president knew for sure.

What would it be…

An Internet protest?

Round the clock coverage on FOX News??

An unfathomable spike in gun sales to dwarf the last unfathomable spike in gun sales when he also hadn’t threatened to take the nation’s guns away???

Standing as always to his side, Vice President Joe Biden visibly cringed as he knew the worst was to come for his dear friend, and together all they could do was wait for the wrath that the National Rifle Association would bring forth for daring to use that word in public office.

The post President Obama Seals His Own Fate by Saying the G-Word appeared first on Just Laugh.

Is America aroused … sexually … when it comes to GUNS???

The only reason I ask is that shootings like the one that took place yesterday in San Bernardino that killed 14 people … they pretty much happen every single day. It’s getting to the point where it’s not so much disturbing as it is just embarrassing, like when your Mom catches you jacking off in your bedroom to midget porn and yet you keep forgetting to lock the door just like you did the last 354 times this year.

Of course, nobody dies with regards to midget porn – in fact, the midgets probably enjoy it just as much as you do!

I can’t help but imagine that America looks kind of like Yosemite Sam to the rest of the world after a day like yesterday – knee deep in political thoughts and prayers but notably absent of any actual action that might help prevent this exact same tragedy from quite literally taking place again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…

We’re at the point where the United States statistically has more guns than it does people, which puts us at roughly 124 million Yosemite Sams running around, waving their pistols wildly in the air when you consider that only 40% of the populace actually owns those 357 million guns! Nobody hunts that many deer or fears their government that much – pure, unadulterated sexual arousal is the only logical conclusion as to why The Best Country in the World would tolerate such a scathing homicidal record in one hand while it continually passes new legislation to deregulate gun ownership to keep its #1 circle jerk partner, the National Rifle Association, happy.

Now don’t get me wrong – America as a country is fairly young and lately it’s been going through some changes that it doesn’t entirely understand. These changes are perfectly normal, however it’s still important for an up and coming country to use protection if it happens to find itself acting on certain urges such as thinking that the answer to gun violence in America is even more guns.

It’s fine to enjoy the intimate pleasures of a nice Colt .45 revolver or perhaps a sleek and sexy, AR15 semiautomatic killing machine from time to time, but moderation is the key for a healthy, albeit perpetually handgun horny populace that is able to go multiple days in a row without murdering each other in cold blood. The reason that Yosemite Sam isn’t taken seriously in the greater Looney Tunes omniverse is because contrary to that giant red ‘stache’s outlook on life and wabbits, guns aren’t the solution to every single problem that exists on the planet…

You can’t feed homeless people with guns.

You can’t send a man to the moon with a gun.

And history shows that despite an admirable persistence, you can’t kill Bugs Bunny even with two guns.

So I want you to listen to me, America – being aroused by the cold, hard steel of a ballistic weapon is normal for a country of your age, but you’ve got to lock the door when you’re appreciating its beauty so that your mother doesn’t walk in and accidentally get shot in the face.

Eventually when you’re a little older, you’re going to learn how to solve your problems through calm, rational thought and peaceful discussions … hopefully sooner than later … but in the meantime, while you’re working through these difficult times if you could just keep your youthful, carnal lust for firepower in private where it belongs, the rest of us who enjoy living would certainly appreciate it…

The post Does America Have a Hard-On for Handguns? appeared first on Just Laugh.

Being a fan of words myself, comedian Joe Larson brings up an excellent point with regards to the current discussion about gun control!

The post “Assault Rifles” … by Joe Larson appeared first on Just Laugh.

 “Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.”

– Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

(via The Onion)

The post Who Goes Out and Buys a Gorilla the Day After a Gorilla Massacre?! appeared first on Just Laugh.