halloween – Just Laugh

8 Things Your Dog Doesn’t Want To Go As For Halloween

Scott Sevener — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 18:45:43 +0000

Sad Dog Being Eaten By a Frog

Sexy Bitch

Scruffy, Old Dog Who Lost an Eye in a Tragic Boating Accident

Dog Who Thinks He’s a Boy Dressed Up As a Dog

Hotdogs

Clan Dog

Dog Who Just Wishes It Was Christmas Instead

Ken Bone

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America’s Pets Most Anxious for Halloween to Be Over

Scott Sevener — Sat, 31 Oct 2015 16:00:45 +0000

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Just Laugh’s Guide to Not Celebrating Halloween

Scott Sevener — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 20:13:46 +0000

Halloween isn’t for everyone.

Sunday school teachers, the recently widowed, people without teeth – just to name a few. But unlike those thugs with Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day, nobody’s forcing you to celebrate Halloween, so if trick or treating and dressing up all sexy and America’s favorite tribute to The Great Pumpkin simply aren’t your thing, there are plenty of other bountiful ways to spend your time over the next couple of otherwise spooky, scary days!

Just to help get the ball rolling, you could…

Organize your linen closet, with linens being a fancy way of saying towels and sheets.
Eat the 47 bags of Halloween candy that you bought with no intention of handing out.
Re-watch all 86 episodes of Saved by the Bell and marvel at how relevant Zack and Screech’s adventures around Bayside still are today.
Huddle in the corner between the hours of 7:30 – 10:00 pm Saturday night while reciting your annual mantra, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts… I ain’t afraid of no ghosts…”
It’s never too early to start thawing out that holiday turkey!
Change the batteries in your smoke detectors that you totally neglected to do back on Labor Day, you cringeworthy unsafe sad sack, you…
Start planning out your Christmas shopping list, and your holiday light display, and what kinds of cookies you’re going to bake, and putting together your 24/7 holiday playlist, and…
Or simply do the same thing we do every weekend, Pinky – get stoned and look at Internet porn until three o’clock in the morning.

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A Maze of Any Other Flavor…

Scott Sevener — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 17:40:27 +0000

There are many foods that I’ve occasionally dreamt of finding myself lost in a maze of … pizza, General Tso’s chicken, those giant chocolate chip cookies from Panera that just about melt in your mouth when you’re lucky enough to catch them fresh out of the oven!

But never corn.

It’s not that I have a problem with corn or anything. I mean, I enjoy a nice cob of corn alongside a couple of hotdogs on a cool, summer evening just as much as the next guy. Or maybe a big, old bowl of corn – popped or otherwise – while you’re curled up by the fire with your favorite likewise-corn-appreciating fellow. Corn is great!

The thing is, I do have this one rule where if I’m going to set myself up to get lost inside of a giant maze that’s allegedly made out of food, my one request is that should I find myself inexplicably lost forever as the sun and the stars come and go in turn with no signs of escape as I slowly wither away and die … it’d be nice to have a little something to nibble on while I’m literally scampering around like a rat in search of his cheese.

Except in this case the cheese is corn, which is why I recently found my trip to the local corn maze confusing … because there was no corn.

Apparently it’s the well-kept secret of the corn maze industry that you never quite realize until you’re standing amongst a sea of empty corn stalks for yourself – corn mazes don’t actually contain any corn because the farmers have done harvested all of it long before they invite the likes of you and I to scamper around like mice throughout their empty fields…

I can’t hardly blame them – if I had myself a field of perfectly good corn, I sure wouldn’t want every Tom, Dick, and Harry running around touching every cob like a bunch of hooligans when my whole scheme is to sell that corn to keep the furnace a’blazing for another harsh, Floridian winter! You can’t sell corn for a premium when it’s been groped by every idiot from the city who’s willing to pay $10 a piece to get lost out in your fields for an afternoon.

I wouldn’t buy groped corn on the cob if I saw it sitting there on the shelf at Publix – I don’t care how good the price is!

Still, it’s a little misleading to label your autumnal attraction as a Corn Maze when in reality it’s more of a Bare Stalk of What Used to Be Corn Maze. The latter may not necessarily roll off the tongue, but I’m a firm believer of truth in advertising, and besides, if I’d known that I wasn’t actually going to be surrounded by edible corn during my plight-filled, harrowing 25-minute adventure through some stranger’s farmland, I could’ve brought a long a little snack or something to keep me going during those times when I truly believed that all was lost.

Even better, if I’d happened to accidentally drop some of my pizza or General Tso’s chicken along the way, maybe that farmer would have an even awesomer maze to invite us city folk to come scavenge around next year!

I would so totally pay $10 to get lost in a field of pepperoni pizza on a partly-cloudy, fall afternoon … as long as the pizza hasn’t already been harvested, that is.

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Nobody Wants to Poison Your Stupid Kids…

Scott Sevener — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 16:00:32 +0000

Trick or treating is fine.

I don’t care what the lady on the six o’clock news has been telling you in her shocked and concerned voice every night this week. Nobody wants to poison your kids, and if they did, who would really pick Halloween of all holidays to do it?!

Everyone’s dressed up in disguises. It’s dark. What if they accidentally poison Susie instead of Johnny???

Besides, do you have any idea how much of a pain it is to poison pre-packaged candy that one buys from the store anyways?! Sure, maybe if you’re making your own candy or something – you pour a cup of bleach or weed killer into the mix for those little assholes who seriously don’t understand what “STAY OFF THE FUCKING GRASS!!!” means, but really, who even has the time for that these days?

It always amuses me how some people get so worked up about how dangerous trick or treating can be, as if people who are willing to take the time to hand out sweets to every little shit in the neighborhood are going to then selectively poison every fourth child on some sort of sick whim. These are the same people who also somehow believe that their church “Trunk or Treat” festivities are far safer because, well, who wouldn’t trust a guy handing out candy and treats out of the trunk of his car?!?!?!

“Did Father Jerry give you a tire iron for trick or treating this year?”

“Yeah, he said that he was all out of 8-balls, but that if I hurried I could probably catch up with the other kids who beat me to him…”

I remember how back in my day, it was the scare of the razor blade in the apple that all of the parents were terrified of … as if any self-respecting kid was even going to give an apple a second glance when there was a perfectly good pile of normal candy towering in front of us. Besides, what kind of an idiot doesn’t notice a razor blade buried inside of a granny smith apple?! On a paranoia-fueled night like Halloween, you’d think the razor blade-shaped gouge in the side of the fruit would be sort of a giveaway…

If somebody was really out to get your kids on Halloween, there are so many more efficient ways to go after ’em – trip wires in the front yard, not paying attention when you’re backing out of the driveway, some sort of elaborate cage mechanism that falls down from the roof when they ring the doorbell.

Poison and razor blades are so 1985, and they were complete and total bullshit when people were paranoid about them back then, too.

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Sexy Ladies Excited to Sex Up Halloween Sexually

Scott Sevener — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 23:29:13 +0000

EVERYWHERE, USA (Just Laugh) – As All Hallows Eve quickly approaches and the children line up to get their trick or treat on, another group of Halloween enthusiasts prepares for their own celebration of a much more erotic orientation. Donning their stiletto heels and skimpy costumes that would catch them frostbite if they tried actually trick or treating in them, these sexy ladies want the world to know that there’s more to Halloween than just candy because for one night only, The Great Sexy Pumpkin is set to appear and this year she’s giving old Chuck quite the eyeful…

“I picked this sexy nurse’s outfit because one day I want to be a nurse, and I already had a pair of white heels,” explained Sexy Sexologist Cindy Baker, whose costume would likely result in several health code violations and even more sexual harassment suits if she were to wear it to an actual medical facility.

“I’ve always enjoyed the zoo…” told Sexy Panda Bear Amy Evans in an uncomfortable conversation that we were eager to end abruptly.

“And I just knew I had to go as a Sexy School Teacher this year,” said 8th Grade Biology Teacher Amanda Perkins, who apparently either never watches the news or is eager to expand her educational career to include house arrest and ban from coming within 500-feet of the middle school where she is surprisingly still employed.

These young ladies and countless others can be seen sexing up every neighborhood Halloween party until Sunday morning when Daylight Saving Time will drive them back into their otherwise sexless hibernation for another year, so if you’re interested in seeing sexy women in costumes that make them look slightly unlike themselves, but mostly still just sexy, now is the perfect season to catch these sexy autumn leaves before they fall to the ground much like they will around 1:30am in those ridiculous heels after far too many shots of tequila than a sexy nurse should ever responsibly consume.

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Trick or Treating Loot to Avoid…

Scott Sevener — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 15:30:46 +0000

In only a few short days, America’s children will be taking to the streets to beg for candy from their neighbors with the threat of trick as their only retaliation, but let’s be honest – some people kind of suck when it comes to handing out things to underaged strangers in the middle of the night.

To help these future vagrants in their conquest for $3.50 worth of sugary sweets that they’ll likely consume in a single night, we here at Just Laugh have put together this helpful list of treats to avoid when you’re out ringing doorbells and soliciting food from people you don’t even know…

Candy Hearts – Valentine’s Day was in February, so at a minimum these chalky, little messages of love and affection are at least 17 years old by now … probably best to steer clear.

Chocolate-Drizzled Buttocks – They’re sweet and sensual, sure, but let’s be honest – most parents today just don’t want their kids licking chocolate off the backside of a beautiful stranger. Those are just the times we live in right now…

Bucket ‘o Scorpions – A mother scorpion and a handful of her newborn babies may seem like a fun idea Halloween night, but Mom’s going to be none too happy when you suddenly can’t find all of them in her living room carpet the next morning!

Discarded Teeth – Now I know what you’re thinking – you never can have too many teeth laying around, and at the rate that yours have been falling out it probably seems like a no-brainer, but just say no to secondhand teeth – trust us on this one.

Mortgage Applications – Ever hear of the Housing Market Crash of 2008? Hint: It’s the reason you’ve been living in your Uncle Jerry’s attic for the last five years. Besides, you’re too young to get your first mortgage anyways – most elementary student credit scores are laughable at best…

Cattle – Just as bad as bunny rabbits at Easter or leprechauns around St. Patrick’s Day, so many people get cattle without thinking through how much grass those things eat in a day or who’s going to shovel all of that cow shit. Are you going to shovel all of that cow shit?! Didn’t think so!

Hypodermic Apples – When we were your age, there was this big scare about bad people hiding razor blades inside of apples, but those same bad people are older and much lazier now. Just try to keep your guard up – if a hypodermic needle sticking out of any of your treats seems suspicious, give it to your little brother to test out first.

Pickles – What is this – trick or treating or the makings of a new neighborhood delicatessen?! It’s trick or treating, so pickles need not apply!

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Who would star in the scariest horror film?

Scott Sevener — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 13:00:46 +0000

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

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Corn Maze Great Place to Ditch Unwanted Children

Scott Sevener — Sat, 24 Oct 2015 16:00:21 +0000

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Real Men Reluctantly Dress Up for Halloween

Scott Sevener — Fri, 23 Oct 2015 19:00:11 +0000

Few guys other than Johnny Depp can really pull off the pirate look, and I’m still pretty sure that even he goes through at least a bottle of rum a day just to ensure that he stays in character, if you know what I mean.

So why was I recently sighted running around wearing a billowy shirt that revealed entirely too much chest hair and a pair of those poofy pirate pants that are noticeably absent of pockets for hauling around one’s pirate booty???

Because I’m a Dad now, and dressing up for Halloween with your kid is what you do…

…or at least that’s what I was told by my wife … repeatedly … until she finally just ordered my costume for me and said, “You’re wearing it!”

There was a time when I used to love getting dressed up for Halloween – I would go as a Ghostbuster or a giant M&M or the ever-paperclip-centric Bert from my beloved Sesame Street, and in those clever disguises I could roam the neighborhood completely unrecognizable as I gathered enough candy and sweets to last me until Santa came to visit! Of course, that pretty much ended when I turned 16 and got a job which even at minimum wage for sweeping floors provided me with more than enough to go to the store and basically buy whatever candy I wanted all by myself.

One of the many spoilers of growing up is realizing that you can actually just buy things yourself instead of running around begging your neighbors to drop them into your pillow case in the middle of the night.

But of course, with my own son being only one and a half, he doesn’t even eat candy just yet, and so instead the real incentive for him to enjoy Halloween is found in dressing up like one of his favorite characters and running around so that people can say, “Oh – look at the adorable, little pirate!” without them pinching the hell out of his cheeks for one month out of the year.

In that right, I can’t hardly blame him … I’m not exactly a fan of getting my cheeks pinched, either, but when I realized that I couldn’t just be that parent who walks behind him, not dressed up like a pirate when for the most part I’m now a mature adult, needless to say I had some concerns, such as “What if I look ridiculous?” and “Seriously, how could I not look ridiculous wearing that?!”

Or even heaven forbid, “What if I need to stop and get gas when I’m dressed up like that?!?!?!”

Which in fact most definitely did happen, though without incident, leaving me wondering if pirate pants are more trendy and prominent in today’s society than I ever realized, but an even more significant revelation came later on that pirate-permeated evening when I surprisingly came to learn that despite feeling ridiculous in all of my pirate garb alongside the rest of my pirate family, in that very moment I was actually somehow bizarrely cooler than all of the guys walking around me not wearing pirate attire whom I had previously envied!

Mind you, this kind of thing never happens to yours truly, and yet for a precious few hours I found myself magically transformed from ridiculous guy dressed as a pirate into “See, that guy dressed up for Halloween with his kid!”

…which you probably wouldn’t think the random comments of complete strangers would be much of a motivator, but I spent the rest of the evening walking around as if I actually had consumed an entire bottle of rum … at least in spirit, mind you!

The moral of this story is that although dressing up like a pirate will most certainly make you look ridiculous, it will totally gain you points with your wife and your kid and even complete strangers who happen to be married to other guys who are party-poopers with regards to wearing poofy pirate pants in public.

…as long as we’re still talking about Halloween, mind you. The rest of the year, don’t push your luck!

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