Everyone knows that you do it, Frank – you can’t snore like a goddamn buzzsaw during communion and not expect anyone to notice. Show a little respect!

Of course, Easter is a big time for Christians because second only to getting Christmas presents and being born and whatnot, we know with great certainty that Jesus loved hunting for Easter eggs. For it’s been said that nothing put a smile on that kid’s face quite like hopping out of bed on Easter morning and scurrying down the hall to find that the Easter Bunny had paid a visit to God’s kingdom, hiding brightly colored eggs filled with chocolates and a giant Easter basket overflowing with goodies for young Jesus to find…

Being an only child because his half brothers spent holidays with their mom, God tended to spoil Jesus something fierce because he was the kind of parent to love his boy through things instead of emotions. And that was perfectly fine with Jesus because it scored him all sorts of sweet presents like PlayStation games and Pokémon cards, and one year when he did particularly well on his report card, his father even let him get a bunny for Easter … though he quickly regretted it and turned the bunny into chocolate upon realizing just how much real bunnies poop all over the place!

Granted, it wasn’t all rainbows and jellybeans for Jesus growing up.

One not so good Friday, Jesus had a bit of a run in with some of the townsfolk and they roughed him up pretty bad, as angry mobs are wont to do. They forced him to wear this pointy hat and dragged him through the mud, and it really sucked the life out of poor Jesus … but as we all know, Jesus was never one to take a challenge laying down and only a few days later he was up and running again, some would even say filled with more life than ever.

Other years little Jesus faced similar hardships, like the one where his mother insisted on him wearing an Easter bonnet “just for a few photos” and then made him keep it on even longer because her sister was coming over and she thought it would be cute, despite looking absolutely ridiculous to anyone capable of free thought.

Still, he always looked forward to Easter dinner and had quite the fondness for lamb and roast ham, which kind of makes sense seeing that he was born in a barn and all. Jesus was sure to steer clear of the deviled eggs, though, as well as that weird green jelly thing with the fruit floating in it that everyone’s aunt always makes and then harasses everybody about never eating…

Yes, Easter was a magical time for young Jesus, filled with chocolate eggs and marshmallow peeps, and unnaturally pastel rabbits and Reese’s Pieces cleverly arranged in the shape of carrots, and if he was really lucky, some years Easter would fall in line on the calendar with spring break so he would get an extra long vacation from school culminating with presents and chocolate galore – can’t argue with that!

So this weekend while you’re hunting for those brightly colored eggs and dining on that glorious roast pig, take a moment to think of the little boy Jesus and the brief moment in time where he had a pet rabbit.

The good word is that he named him Sir Poops-a-Lot and fed him a diet of cream soda and jelly beans, but that – my sleepy churchgoers – is a tale for another day…

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The Jesus Slingshot will help you do unto others before they can do unto you!

(via Dangerous Minds)

Extra Credit: Let he who is without sin kick the first ass.

The post The Jesus Slingshot appeared first on Just Laugh.

“‘Twas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Pastor Lucas began. “He said that he was just going out for milk, but that was years and years ago…nobody takes that long just to get a gallon of milk,” continued Jezebel Atkins, a close friend of the family. “When he didn’t return after an hour, we just assumed that the store had been out and he had went to another; when he didn’t return the following morning, we concluded that he had stopped to give some homeless people a ride to the shelter and ended up volunteering his services there for the night – he was like that sometimes, always helping people; but when he didn’t return after years and years, then we knew that something was wrong…”

“…but the man was still a grown-up,” Henry-James Atkins continued. “He did tend to wander sometimes, and we did occasionally find him in the oddest places. Like this one time, the town was having a huge, all-day wine-tasting show and we looked for hours until we finally found him sleeping behind a stack of empty barrels, but that was all in good fun, really! Who knows, maybe if we’d have kept a better eye on him, or maybe even gotten one of those tracking devices that they put on the ankles of prisoners on work release or something, maybe none of this would’ve ever happened.” As his wife began to sob once again, Henry asked that we pull our cameras away, but did give us the comment, “…you know, she blames herself every single day, sometimes even twice, but it’s probably just the booze talking…”

“It doesn’t really matter how or when we lost him,” Father Jerry O’Riley explained, “What’s important is that we get things under control here and come up with that sneaky, old chap as soon as possible, you know! I mean, how embarassing is this – losing the one whom our own religion believe to be the most sacred of them all? You won’t catch the Buddhists losing their God, I can tell you that…but come on – that guy’s as big as a house…”

While it does seem that most Christians are, for lack of a better term, hell-bent on finding their Lord, Jesus Christ, it should also be noted that we did come across a few select individuals who were specifically looking to place blame for the original “misplacing” of the savior. Although wishing to remain anonymous, they were quoted as saying, “Those who have not found Jesus can look forward to a dismal afterlife, filled with fire and brimstone and long, unedited interviews from the archives of Heraldo Rivera.”

We here at Just Laugh express our deepest concerns for the family of Jesus Christ and wish for his safe and speedy return. In the meantime, we’d like to offer the following tips to supplement your current search techniques. As excerpted from The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Gene Doucette (available now!), these two suggestions make up half of the informative essay appropriately titled How to Find Jesus, which we’re pretty sure applies in this case…

1. Don’t Panic – Many people, after realizing they have lost Jesus, become panicky. This can be very dangerous. Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and think: where was the last place you had Jesus? Go there.
2. Look Around – Be thorough. Did you look behind the couch? He might be there. Don’t just glance around the room, either. Lift things up. He might be in the clothing hamper, for instance. Check there. He’s probably right where you left Him.

…click here for the rest of the essay, or even better yet – go out and pick up a copy of the book for yourself, because you never know when you might need to know How to Fend Off an Attack From an Extradimensional Invader From the Planet Nebulon Four, either!

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