I know that, you know that, but God? He’s actually surprisingly lax about the whole thing, so better late than never when it comes to giving up stuff that you love for the Lord, am I right?!

Not sure about what you love enough to give up for this solemn religious observance in the Christian liturgical calendar? Once again we’ve put together a fantastic assortment of baubles and whatsits for your personal sacrifice to your otherwise deeply personal religious beliefs.

If you’re feeling extra-righteous, pick a couple of them to give up and boy, is Jesus going to be impressed!

• Five really small fish arranged ever so particularly on a brass plate.
• Podcasts.
• Collusion.
• Collard greens.
• Colanders.
• Cookie Monster Fan Fiction.
• The first 1/3 of the categories listed on PornHub – Amateur through Double Penetration.
• Pocket Lint.
• Your brother Clint.
• That dated parody song you’ve been working on – Too Legit to Lent.
• Stupid meetings at work.
• Toenail clippings.
• Leftover Halloween candy.
• At least three of the Ten Commandments – your pick.
• Not using your turn signals like a goddamned maniac.
• Pickle juice.
• Juicing (i.e. drugs).
• Bounce houses (if over 39″ tall).
• If you’re over 39″ tall, that is – 39″ would be a very small bounce house.
• #TinyBounceHouse
• Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.
• Peanut shells.
• Sexual harassment.
• Commenting on things on the Internet without reading them first.
• General personality-induced douchery.
• Bragging about the size of your nuclear button on Twitter.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to More Things You Should’ve Given Up for Lent appeared first on Just Laugh.

While some liberal fascists within our society will be quick to blame access to this advanced weaponry whenever they’re used to kill people in staggering numbers around our nation on a way too regular basis, it’s of the utmost importance for the freedom of our masculinity that we deter any discussion around making efforts to restrict access to these beautiful killing machines, with their precision targeting and ability to stave off tyranny, when the man threatens to tear them away from our warm, fleshy hands.

Here are some tips to help turn the discussion about gun control back where it really belongs…

• Cite the 2nd Amendment early and often. Well, not the part about the whole “well-regulated militia” … try to skip over that if at all possible.
• Adamantly suggest that mental health is clearly the real culprit here, as a guy taking anti-depressants obviously poses more of a threat to society than someone hoarding a cache of weapons large enough to arm a entire militia just in case.
• Seize any opportunity to correct people about semantics, such as the fact that the “AR” in AR-15 actually stands for Armalite – the maker of the rifle and not assault rifle. There’s no better way to honor the dead than by maintaining a smugly superior knowledge about the weapon that was used to kill them.
• Reminders that only good guys follow the law anyways are a great way to drive home the fact that it’d be really awesome to live in the Wild Wild West where you could shoot a man in the street if he accidentally took a sip out of your sarsaparilla.
• Don’t let liberals bully you into thinking that arming kindergarten teachers isn’t a perfectly viable opportunity for gun manufacturers in the United States to surge their back to school sales revenues.
• Violence in video games is always an easy option to deflect attention away from gun control. Remember that power pellet epidemic we saw back in the 1980s when Pac-Man was first released in arcades across the country???
• Don’t think of mass shooting survivors as innocent children who’ve just endured a horrific tragedy as much as future Democratic voters who’ll no doubt be after your guns, too … especially because it’s basically your fault that legislation hasn’t already been passed that could’ve very well saved their classmates’ lives.
• And if all else fails, simply remind your debate partner that Sarah Palin herself says that our guns are the only thing that protect us from tyranny – which is a perfectly normal thing for someone who has served as the heads of both local and state government, and then ran for a position second in command of the federal government to say.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Making Excuses for Talking About Gun Control appeared first on Just Laugh.

As certain events have hinted that an avalanche of sorts may be rapidly barreling down the mountain, we’ve assembled a list of helpful tips to guide the rest of American “through this disaster” on to the light at the end of the shit storm that Donald Trump’s short-lived political career has been…

• DO make sure to take some time in advance to stretch your gloating muscles because it’s been a long three and a half months of … whatever the hell this was.
• DON’T start popping your popcorn just yet, as politicians have a way of drawing things out ad nauseam and nobody likes eating stale popcorn.
• DO be prepared to endure lots of waffling, and not the good kind of waffling that comes with copious amounts of syrup.
• DON’T forget to tip your waitress at Waffle House – she works hard for her money and tipping represents a significant portion of her income.
• DO try to avoid standing directly underneath the avalanche, as the deluge of Trump byproducts is likely to make quite the mess on its way down.
• DON’T be surprised if the USA doesn’t get a Christmas card from Russia this year.
• DO keep in mind that of everyone who will be affected by Donald Trump’s inevitable fall back to earth, your Republican uncle will likely take it the hardest of all, so be sure to show his feelings the same level of compassion and sympathy that he’s shown your cuck snowflake libtard ass since Trump was elected back in November.
• DON’T be sad – America will soon be able to look at itself in the mirror once again.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Political Avalanches appeared first on Just Laugh.

No, not Easter, so put away your bonnets and chocolate covered crosses for now, as well as one other item that fills your life with personal enjoyment because a little suffering never hurt nobody, am I right?!

It may not be quite as bad as walking for 40 days and nights through the desert without things like food and water and a nice, floppy hat to help keep the sun out of your eyes, but it’s cool – Jesus knows how much you love your Playstation and he appreciates your sacrifice nonetheless.

Need some help coming up with ideas for things to give up in the name of crazy religious rituals leading up to chocolate bunny celebrations? Just try any of these excellent Lent Day sacrifices on for size…

• Instagram filters.
• Frivolous trips to flavor town.
• Arguing with strangers on the Internet about how much of a pompous ass Donald Trump is.
• Forehead cleanliness.
• Watching foreign films with the subtitles turned off.
• Harvesting belly button lint for fun and profit.
• Lentils.
• The L-word.
• The other L-word.
• You know which word I’m talking about.
• Pronouncing Google as Googly which is admittedly a lot more fun.
• Chicken pot pies.
• Shouting obscenities at the neighbor’s cat.
• Internet searches with SafeSearch turned off.
• Mid-afternoon stretches.
• Keeping an eye on your children when they play around the pool.
• Scorpions.
• Waxing poetically about the love in your life that has been all but lost forever.
• Farts – both discretionary and good intentioned.
• NBC’s newest hit drama, This Is Us.
• Pretending to care about your older sister’s dance recital.
• Doing your best at your own dance recital.
• Dancing, Safety.
• Eating that cracker thing during Sunday mass.
• Writing potentially blasphemous jokes about Lent, during Lent.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Giving Things Up for Lent appeared first on Just Laugh.

To stand up and have your voice counted?

To unite with your fellow Americans to see that the most qualified candidate for the job is elected to become our next President of the United States?

Election Day, which is definitely this week, is quite possibly the most important day to our democracy, even ahead of National Bikini Day and Talk Like a Pirate Day. It’s so vital, in fact, that we’ve put together this essential guide to ensure that every American takes full advantage of this day so that we don’t have some sort of wild result that nobody could’ve possibly anticipated and/or stomached in the morning…

1. Go to your local voting precinct on Election Day, which is definitely this week.
2. Don’t allow yourself to get confused by “election frenzy” and vote on the wrong day – last week was pretty nutso with Halloween and all, so we wouldn’t want you to lose your place in the month and make a grave mistake!
3. If nobody is there when you arrive, you’re probably just early – no need to panic or riot or start filling out your cabinet with white nationalists and other horsemen of the bigot apocalypse.
4. Keep in mind that at least one candidate was worried about the vote being rigged, so if you encounter people walking around claiming that the election is already over and you’re not going to believe who won, it’s probably that rigging thing.
5. Don’t believe anything that you read on the Internet. Or watch on TV. Or read in the newspapers, if those are even still around anymore…
6. Exit polls are an important way for the news media to make predictions and have things to talk about on TV, so if asked about who you voted for, be sure to just make up the craziest thing you can think of to help boost their ratings during this time of need when really, TV media is the next to go after those dinosaur newspapers finally die off.
7. Did we mention that you need to go to the polls today – ON ELECTION DAY – to vote for President of the United States … which is definitely this week?! They’re also going to ask you about County Commissioners and Mosquito Control Officials, but the only one that isn’t completely made up for sure is the one about the president … who hasn’t yet been elected despite what anybody tells you.
8. Remember that voting is a right that sometimes up to 46.6% of your fellow Americans for whatever reason don’t get around to exercising, so consider tricking them into voting by asking them out to lunch and then driving to your local polling place instead. You can pick up Taco Bell or something on the way back.

Here’s to a safe and prosperous Election Day this week, America – may all of your votes be counted without some stupid voter ID laws or redistricting getting in the way, and may goodness and sanity prevail when tomorrow we celebrate our next President-Elect … who will definitely be the best, most-qualified and totally sane woman for the job.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Election Day, Which is Definitely This Week… appeared first on Just Laugh.

So are you planning your own booshy Oscar party this year?! It’s not too late, but it almost is, so as expected – here are our finest tips to help make your Hollywood pity party the best thing since Orson Welles rambled incessantly for an hour and fifty-nine minutes about a sled…

• Be aware that the Academy Awards are, in fact, tonight.
• Two words – pizza rolls.
• Pirate all of the movies ahead of time so you can watch and cast your own votes, just like the Hollywood elite!
• Alcohol should be a given – if you haven’t each consumed a bottle and a half of merlot by the time they announce Best Animated Short Film, just turn your TV off and send everybody home because you’re clearly not taking the spirit of the awards show seriously.
• Don’t invite Debbie. That bitch is such a downer and we’re all tired of hearing about her affair with Derek from the PTA anyways.
• Do invite Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s a little-known secret among the industry that Leonardo DiCaprio makes a point to attend every single Academy Awards party to which he’s invited, so a quick call to good, old Leo is definitely worth your 25 cents!
• Make up some fun games to help get your party-goers in the spirit. Offer a $25 gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond for the first person who paints themselves gold and does a lap around the subdivision naked.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself if you still don’t win the award for Best Title Writing – it’s not your fault that the Academy didn’t see the brilliance you came up with in such stellar titles as True Story, Spy, and Steve Jobs. But you know, maybe try putting just a little thought into your titles for this year – that’s all we’re saying here, Greg…

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Hosting the Best Academy Awards Party Ever appeared first on Just Laugh.

Of course, nobody really enjoys shoveling snow, so to make the chore just a little easier for our frostbitten friends, here are a few helpful tips that are sure to make an afternoon of snow removal as simple and carefree as a day at the beach!

1. Be sure to wear proper attire – reliable footwear in particular is essential to a productive experience.

© viperagp / Depositphotos

2. Use the right equipment for the job, and if you can harness a bit of mechanical assistance, all the better.

© Mustang_79 / Depositphotos

3. Try not to think about the weather as you focus dutifully on the task at hand.

© hydromet / Depositphotos

4. Work with your hips – don’t rely on your back to do all of the heavy lifting.

© Kzenon / Depositphotos

5. Don’t be afraid to put your kids to work.

© mvaligursky / Depositphotos

6. Know when to take the occasional break to help warm up.

© Maridav / Depositphotos

7. Invite some friends over because as they say, many hands make light work.

© yanlev / Depositphotos

8. And lastly, take a moment to celebrate with a refreshing drink when you’re finally done – you’ve earned it!

© Kesu01 / Depositphotos

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Shoveling Snow appeared first on Just Laugh.

Already it’s been over two weeks since Ammon Bundy and his band of merry mercenaries valiantly stormed the headquarters of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on a holiday weekend toting plenty of semi-automatic weapons, but not nearly enough beef jerky, and weighing a particularly passive, old country desire by the Sheriff of Mayberry himself to keep things peaceful, God only knows how long this impromptu camping trip will be allowed to carry on in violation of federal law.

So are you ready to pack your rucksack and claim a piece of land back from Uncle Sam as your very own?!

• For starters, be sure to pick some federal property so far off the beaten track, it’ll be a real pain to even come negotiate with you when the FBI finally gets word of your antics. The more elk and raccoons in the vicinity, the better.
• Remember that much like good dental hygiene and non-camouflaged clothes, paved roads are your enemy.
• You don’t know how long you’re going to be out there, so be sure to bring along plenty of guns and ammo. As long as you’re white. In fact, only if you’re white.
• Don’t worry if you forget to bring important supplies like food and water and things that aren’t guns. Other morons from around the country will mail you that stuff via the US Postal Service, and for some reason you’ll still get mail delivery even though it’s supposed to be the government that you’re protesting.
• Also don’t worry if you forget to bring other recreational novelties such as double-ended dildos and ridiculous-sized buckets of lube because, well, other people on the Internet are bound to take advantage of that mail delivery you’re still receiving, too!
• When settling in for the night as temperatures in the middle of nowhere creep into the single digits, be sure to cuddle your fellow patriots in a heat-retaining ball of man flesh that will not only keep you toasty all night long, but will also serve to prepare you for federal prison once law enforcement finally comes to their senses. If you’ve still got leftover lube, put it to use to ensure a snug fit!
• In between all of the media interviews trying to explain your little campout, take some time to enjoy the fresh air and the wildlife and your generous collection of dildos, and thank God for bringing every last one of those dildos into your life during this time of need.
• Don’t fuck with the raccoons, no matter how much she looks like your cousin after a night of heavy drinking.

But trust me about the dildos…

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Squatting on Federal Property appeared first on Just Laugh.

Of course, just like any bar mitzvah, this turkey-laden holiday can be a minefield of indigestion and political dissent if one isn’t prepared with the kid gloves and iron stomach an event of this magnitude requires, but thankfully for you, we here at Just Laugh have put together this convenient, bulleted list of precisely what you need to remember in order to make it to Black Friday relatively unscathed and thus ready to shop until your dinner is properly digested…

• Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy – these are your tools to tolerate being around your extended family for an entire afternoon. Also, lots and lots of red wine. LOTS.
• When someone asks you to pass the rolls, just do it. No one needs your four-minute dissertation about the suffering of wheat farmers in Darfur every time that they need a stinking roll, Janet.
• Be sure to give thanks that you’re not a pilgrim because those guys had to make all of this food by hand! Also, something like 60% of them died of scurvy, which was probably also a bit of a downer around the holidays…
• When setting the table, remember that forks go on the left and guns go on the right. Because this is America, damn it.
• Much like WarGames, the only way to win a debate about politics at the dinner table is not to play. Or be willing to scald your opponent with hot gravy when your Republican uncle starts being ridiculous – either strategy is traditionally acceptable.
• For the 800th time, why do we even bother buying cranberry sauce again???
• It’s not actually the tryptophan in the turkey that makes you sleepy on Thanksgiving – it’s the fact that you just ate three days worth of food in the better part of an hour and still have the gall to say that you’re “holding back” to leave room for dessert.
• If you don’t eat at least three pieces of assorted pies for dessert over the course of the evening, you’re an absolute monster who’s definitely not getting invited back for Christmas.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving Dinner appeared first on Just Laugh.

In order to make your stay a more enjoyable one, we’ve put together a few helpful tips to help you get more acquainted with the helpful atmosphere that you can come to expect here Monday – Friday between our normal office hours of 9:00am and 4:30pm. We’re here to serve you until we hopefully get bought out to get converted into luxury condominiums, so enjoy yourself and try not to spill wine or grape juice or lukewarm tap water on the carpet, any of which will totally forfeit your security deposit…

• Rent is due on the 1st of the month and is not payable in smiles, grapes, or a collection of pictures from your trip to the Grand Canyon.
• Anyone is free to use the community pool as long as they live here and know not to pee in it and don’t have body hair similar to that of the North American Brown Bear. No offense to bears or anything, but the hair totally clogs up the filter…
• Residents are encouraged to acknowledge their neighbors by not making eye contact and walking quickly in the other direction whenever they meet.
• We’re happy to offer a wide variety of amenities to our residents, most of which are used by teenagers as places to smoke marijuana after school.
• Though security here is really top notch, consider leaving a radio or small TV on while you’re away. This won’t help to deter potential burglars, but at least it will give them something nice to listen to while they’re busy looting your new place.
• At least you don’t have to mow the grass here … unless your name is Fernando, in which case get off the Internet and get back to work, Fernando!
• Keep in mind that your neighbors can often times hear you through the walls and ceiling … every sweet, sensual groan, moan, and scream … so it’s important to remember that you’re not just fucking for two anymore.
• And lastly, please note that the trash compactor at the entrance to our community is for ornamental purposes only. All garbage and recycling should be burned in the barrels located behind your unit – fingerless gloves are available at the main office for a nominal charge.

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