I don’t care what you have between your legs because going to the bathroom isn’t really a group effort. Despite what the ladies may imply about going to the restroom in groups, I’m pretty sure that’s just for gossiping about anyone who didn’t come to the restroom with them.

I think when it comes to getting down to business in the bathroom, women are pretty solitary creatures in their habits just as much as guys are, so I don’t really get why everyone is so up in arms about whether transgender persons go in one door or the other – it’s all just poop and pee on the other side of those doors.

Some people in society place too much pressure on where other folks should poop and pee in this day and age, as if they’re right there snuggled up in the stall next to them, coaxing things along and offering up words of encouragement along the way like some sort of bathroom coach.

But people don’t need coaches in the bathroom – we all know how it works. You close the door behind you, poop and/or pee comes out of various holes in your body, and then when you’re done if there’s anybody else washing their hands, you do the same so that you don’t look like a weirdo. It’s not complicated.

There are plenty of more important things to worry about than where a transgender person goes to the bathroom. Like do they prefer Angry Birds Seasons or Angry Birds in Space, which is way tougher but you’ve got to admit that the effects of gravity and weightlessness are kind of cool. Also, do transgender people do that fake out about washing their hands if nobody else is around, too, or is that just me?

These are the types of bathroom questions about other people that are important. Other than that, I don’t care if you’re King Tut, or King Kong, or King Kong’s girlfriend who’s in the middle of transitioning and she still looks kind of feminine, but you’re not going to say anything because a) that would be rude, and b) who in their right mind pisses off King Kong’s friends?!

Like I said, I’m just here to pee, and apparently I’m going to be here for a while because King Kong’s transgender lady friend just beat my high score…

The post I’m Just Here to Pee appeared first on Just Laugh.

…but alas, today is not that day.

Although it’s mostly true that his craziest of poops I do believe are more or less behind us, every once in a while my son catches me off-guard with a doozy that leaves me debating whether to Instagram that sucker for the world to share my pain or merely to bury it deep down inside of that Diaper Genie as quickly as possible with a clothespin over my nose as I think happy thoughts about that time so long ago when the only person’s poop I had to deal with was my own.

The thing I’m noticing about toddler poop is that apparently it changes just as much as the weather in Florida or the direction of the wild raccoon that resides on top of Donald Trump’s head, and that’s where they get you! I can be cruising along having a great day, not even stumbling when I detect a dirty diaper to be changed because “after you’ve done a couple hundred of them, they’re really not all that bad…” only to then have my otherwise delightful world turned promptly upside down with the pull of those two little velcro-like tabs to reveal the horrifying surprise that my boy has been cooking up for me while he’s innocently clapping his hands to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and racing his toy alligator around the room.

If you stop and think about it, which clearly I have to great lengths because that’s how the mind of a humor columnist works, the things that I find in my son’s diaper are kind of like a metaphor for life…

Sometimes it’s not so bad, but when it’s bad … it’s bad!!! 

Sometimes it’s nice and neat like a normal person’s, and sometimes it’s this bizarre consistency that you’ll spend literal moments of your life staring at it, just trying to picture how in the world his little butt produced that kind of monstrosity.

A lot of times you don’t really even notice it until it starts to stink and you’d do anything to not have to deal with it, but you do so anyways because poopy diapers aren’t going to change themselves and they seem to get exponentially worse the longer you leave them.

Then again, one day in the not so distant future he actually will start to take ownership of his own poops and I’ll be freed from their burden upon my life, relocating that Diaper Genie out into the garage to randomly use as a makeshift basketball hoop because I’m not nearly the sportsman to warrant purchasing a real one. Maybe we’ll occasionally play Diaper Genie Basketball together as father and son, and when he blocks one of my shots, I’ll bestow upon him the classic tale of when I used to have to block his hands while changing his nasty diapers so that he couldn’t dip them into his own poop and fling it against the walls.

He’ll laugh and think I’m making it up, and then he’ll eventually have a child of his own and come to find that I very much was not.

And then I’ll laugh because Grandpas don’t change diapers – such is the great circle of life…

The post Life is Like a Poop appeared first on Just Laugh.

“The more than 700 climbers and guides who spend nearly two months on Everest’s slopes each climbing season leave large amounts of feces and urine, and the issue has not been addressed, Ang Tshering told reporters.”

(via The Guardian)

Extra Credit: Why Whale Poo Matters

The post On Top of Mount Everest, All Covered with Poo… appeared first on Just Laugh.

Federal employees at the Environmental Protection Agency have been instructed to stop defecating in the hallway of a regional office in Denver, Colo., according to an internal e-mail obtained by Government Executive.

In a staff email earlier this year, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor warned of “several” inappropriate bathroom “incidents” in the building, including paper towel-clogged toilets and “an individual placing feces in the hallway” outside the restroom.

I don’t know the specifics, but as a general rule I think this is probably a pretty fair request around the workplace! Probably just a few crappy employees who need to be flushed out…

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