Ok – so they’re probably not entirely safe for work unless you’ve got the kind of boss that would chuckle at the idea of goofy pictures drawn over otherwise pornographic photos as opposed to just firing you because it’s still pretty clear that the ice cream cone drawn into that photo is covering that guy’s, well, you know…

…still, if low brow is right up your alley, then you might want to curl up at home with a big bowl of popcorn and this website and go to town.

…with laughs, people – nothing dirty about that!

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Fact: The ’80s was known for some of the most intensely concerned facial expressions of all time.

(via Boing Boing)

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Pornography has become a serious issue ever since the inception of the Internet. And of course, we have none other than Al Gore to thank for it. After all, he invented the Internet. This is surely ironic because his wife Tipper (which incidentally is what you do to a waitress, a valet worker, and a cow), was one of the advocates for censorship on certain mediums. Just another example of a wife cleaning up her husband’s mistakes. I even think she’s still counting votes in Florida.

Because as of right now, the Internet is not regulated. There have been talks about trying to get adult related sites off of public computers, but it will never happen because it’s downright impossible. It’s impossible because there are a bunch of adult sites going up every day, so paying someone to scour the net, looking for these sites would be a task that even Hugh Hefner wouldn’t do. Of course, I would.

I would do this job, because it seems to me, that every time I’m on the Internet, I do one of two things. I check my email, or I look at porn. It’s impossible not to, look at porn I mean, which is why I end up with email messages with the subject: Britney HARD CORE!!!

A person could enter a vague, yet safe sounding word like ‘sugar’ into a search engine, and more than likely he’ll find Sugar, the exotic dancer from Las Vegas. This may be a good thing, if after all Sugar is missing and one of her friends is on Sally Jesse Raphael attempting to locate her. But if she’s not missing, than a woman looking for the history of sugar may just find the resume of one, Sugar Johnson, for whom only $25.00 will get you a private dance on a leather couch in some darkened room designated for such activities. At least this is what I’ve heard. I don’t really go to strip clubs, despite what you might hear from my friends, neighbors and fellow comedians.

Another device that’s trying to be implemented into public terminals is a filter, which filters adult words out, such as breast, penis, etc., so adult sites won’t be accessible. But the problem here is entering a word like breast cancer would limit a person’s research because breast is considered a naughty word, to a filter at least. And not to KFC.

Public Internet terminals are what people tend to be concerned about. Because they’re usually found in schools and libraries. To me, it doesn’t seem to be a problem, because so far I haven’t heard of any reports of a grade school student holding his class hostage with an adult attachment or a dildo. The thing about dildos is they’re shaped like nobody’s penis. Some look like a cactus, others a cork screw. I even saw one that looked like a Swiss army knife. You were able to pull out a pair of scissors from it, I swear.

Of course, the individual to thank for all these public terminals is Bill Gates, who strives to have every person in the world be able to log onto the Internet and, you guessed it, look at pornography. On a side note, maybe guns and ammo related searches should be filtered from public computers, with all the school shootings going on.

As for myself, as I’m on the Internet looking at porn, I find myself downloading pictures like I’m trying to get valuable information from a spy’s hard drive. Twenty a second it seems. For effect, I would yell, “C’mon! Hurry up. He’s coming.” In the years I’ve been surfing the net, I’ve accumulated an enormous library of pornography pictures. In fact, I have so much porn on my computer, my laptop took top honors at the AVN awards. I was also named the best for being the king of the right click, save, a title in which I still hold today.

So what I believe should occur with all the pornography available on the Internet is, everybody who locates pictures that I do not have, please forward them to me. Therefore, I will be able to expand my library, just in case the government does take action on porn on the Internet. And don’t worry, I’ll be sure to thank each and every one of you at next year’s award ceremony.

The post “Hi, My Name is Jason, and I’m a Pornoholic…” appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I was visiting my 12 year old nephew (Carl) and was given his bed to sleep on,” said Hubler. It was soon revealed that the comfort Hubler found was due to the high volume of nudie magazines Carl had buried under his mattress.

“My parents would have never found the magazines if it weren’t for my Uncle’s stupid back,” commented Carl, bitter about the spankings he received and vowed to take revenge.

This discovery has led Hubler to purchase more than 25 Playboys, just to support his theory about the nudie magazines.

“They have to be nudie magazines, because I’ve already tried Field and Stream and various sports mags,” said Hubler, who is now convinced he has a porn addiction.

But to Hubler, a porn addiction is more bearable than constant back pain.

As for his nephew Carl, he’s been grounded until further notice and has had his nudie magazines taken away. He now complains of back pain.

A nationwide study is being conducted in result of Hubler’s findings.

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I speak, of course, about porno – the sweet essence of joy and happiness that it is. I’m not going to sit here and argue with anybody about the pros and cons concerning such adult material, but let’s face it: it makes people feel good and isn’t that what life is all about, anyways? While some like to spend their free time running the bases at the neighborhood baseball diamond, there are those of us who, well, would rather be rounding a different set of bases…if you know what I mean! Unfortunately, as I’m sure so many of us have often encountered, it can sometimes be difficult to (how can I put this nicely?) find another “team” to play with. I can tell you right now, though, that this is no longer a situation to worry about because pornography’s got your back! Batter up!

I’ll pause for a brief moment while those still confused by the previous analogy leave the room…

Luckily in this day and age of independent living and, consequently, perpetual loneliness, adult material has slithered its way into the mainstream and, thanks to my favorite invention since sliced bread – the Internet (Al Gore is a genius…), the same things that used to cost us $6.95 a pop down at the newsstand are now available on our computers 24 hours a day, seven days a week! Oh yeah, and did I mention that it’s all free?!?!?!? Well, not all of it’s free, but really, nudity is nudity, right? No-cost smut is better than nothing at all? That’s what I used to think…

We all get them in our inboxes every day – unsolicited messages, or SPAM. Some receive more than others, always ranging from a wide array of topics, including the lowest prices for printer refill kits, university diplomas (soon you can simply call me doctor…), and 1,001 easy ways to make millions using eBay. Fortunately, my e-mail address is plastered all over the Internet like those phone numbers in a public restroom, so I seem to get more of this crap than your average Hotmail user. The above mentioned are usually fairly easy to avoid, as I can typically tell that they’re garbage simply by reading the titles, but with these adult websites using their clever, new mass-mailing techniques to attract visitors nowadays, more often than not I actually find myself having to open and read their mail before knowing whether or not it’s SPAM. Honestly, wouldn’t you have to think twice before deleting messages like these?

• When will I see you again?
• I’ve been looking all over for you!
• Remember me? We went to high school together…
• I need your advice.
• Live Teen Porn Tryouts!

As you can see, it’s quite the predicament I’m in; it’s pretty bad when you need a full-time secretary just to sort through your porno advertisements, isn’t it? Nah, I think I’d rather do that job myself and perhaps hire somebody else to do other mundane tasks for me, such as writing these weekly columns! Besides, if I didn’t get to go through my e-mail personally, I’d miss out some of the funniest creative advertising I’ve ever seen, which is actually what this column is eventually going to be about if I ever get around to it…

I agree that it is kind of sad, but I think some of the best advertisements I’ve ever seen have been for adult services on the Internet. Granted television has had its moments – the Super Bowl in particular – but nothing can compare to the e-mail I have here in my hand. It was so good that I had to print it out for the archives, or at least as proof to show that this kind of marketing does actually exist! The site in question, and I really don’t recommend this for the kids, was called Smut Farm (I’m sure you can figure out the address if it’s really all that important to you…). The ad was obviously presenting some seriously obscene situations, but their centerpiece just blew my mind. Smack dab in the middle of their promotional flyer was a picture of Osama bin Laden having sex with a donkey.

Yes, you read that right…nothing but the best from Smut Farm. Now I knew right off the bat that this had to be a doctored picture because, well, a donkey would never have sex with Osama bin Laden, but hidden deep below the surface there was real marketing genius going on here. Think about it – the majority of the world hates Osama right now and the majority of the world loves pornography. Put the two together and BAM!!! you’ve got yourself a winning combination right there! Come for the “Osama Does the Metropolitan Zoo”image series and stay for those pictures of the farmer’s daughter that you know you want…I’m sold!

If I’ve portrayed only one message throughout this column, I wish somebody would write and clue me in because even I’m lost at this point! The bottom line, though, can (hopefully) be summed up like this:

• Pornography – GOOD
• Unsolicited e-mail trying to sell me foolish products – BAD
• Unsolicited e-mail, yet somehow quite humorous – GOOD (up to a point!)
• Osama bin Laden – BAD

I think it’s time to stop hating the wrong things here, people! Have a safe and happy Memorial Day!!!

Production Notes:
Other Related Sites You May Find of Some Interest…

• Felicity’s Fun on the Farm
• A Man and His Sow
• Real Milkmaids Gone WILD!!!
• National Geographic magazine

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