So just to help clear up any confusion, we’ve put together this handy guide to better understand Mr. Trump’s decrees straight from the horse’s … mouth? Sure, let’s go with that…

What Trump Said…

“I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

What He Really Meant…

“I will build a wall … I mean, maybe not an actual wall – in some places we’ll use fencing, or chicken wire, or those little white decorative ones you can buy at Home Depot to go around your garden … but it’ll still be great. If Mexico still doesn’t want to pay for it, maybe we can apply for one of those Home Depot credit cards or something…”

What Trump Said…

“It is time to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.”

What He Really Meant…

“We’re going to drain the swamp, scrub out the liner and just polish it up real nice, then refill it with an entirely new cast of alligators and frogs and other swamp-dwelling creatures that are so much greater than the ones who were living in that swamp before I came along.”

What Trump Said…

“We need to repeal Obamacare and completely replace it…”

What He Really Meant…

“Whoa – I mean, let’s not be too hasty here! Have you read Obamacare? There’s actually some decent stuff in there, though that name could use a bit of Trumping Up, if you know what I’m saying…”

What Trump Said…

“I may cut [the] Department of Education – Common Core is a very bad thing.”

What He Really Meant…

“I may choose someone from the Board of Directors of one of the largest Common Core advocacy groups to lead the Department of Education.”

What Trump Said…

“I’m going to instruct the Attorney General to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hillary Clinton’s] situation…”

What He Really Meant…

“I have no intention of putting my defeated political opponent in jail – that’s just crazy talk! Do I look like a crazy person to you?! Because that’s what I would be if I tried to put my political opponent behind bars – C-R-A-Z-Y.”

What Trump Said…

“When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything … grab them by the pussy.”

What He Really Meant…

“I, err, ummm – I mean, out of context, what I really was saying was a compliment? …because nobody grabs women by the pussy greater than me … no wait, I didn’t mean – shit. That came out really bad, didn’t it?”

“You don’t think my daughter heard it, though, do you? You know, if she wasn’t my daughter, I might be dating her…”

“…and yet that came out sounding incredibly pervy too…”

The post What He Said / What He Really Meant… – Donald Trump edition appeared first on Just Laugh.

Seriously – the guy from The Apprentice. “You’re fired?”

I guess it was a little catchier back when he was just sitting on a gold-encrusted throne in the boardroom of Trump Tower instead of the Oval Office where he’s likely to face challenges a little bigger than trying to make Bret Michaels and Omarosa get along, but hey, I’m sure everything will work out just fine, right?!

Needless to say, with the country literally divided in half for pretty much the most significant election of our lifetime, that Thanksgiving dinner this year where we gather the family red and blue alike around the table in celebration of gratitude or some nonsense is likely to be just a wee bit intense in homes where the entire lot of them weren’t all collectively aboard the Trump Train…

…with the railroad industry being one of the few that Donald Trump hasn’t declared bankruptcy in yet…

This humble list of suggestions I present to you in an attempt to make peace at dinner tables across America – at least until the family unbuckles their pants and falls asleep from overindulgence on turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie like our Founding Fathers intended.

• Respect the political differences you have with your relatives by never looking them directly in the eye and muttering expletives under your breath when they’re just out of earshot.
• Subtly work in the hashtag #TurkeyLivesMatter when you’re saying the family blessing.
• Prepare a list of pre-approved discussion topics for the dinner table that everyone can enjoy, including subjects like “Wasn’t the turkey more moist last year?” and “Please tell me you bought more than one box of wine…”
• Try not to bring up the fact that if the Indians had only built a 50-foot wall of solid concrete along the eastern seaboard, maybe none of this would’ve ever happened.
• Refrain from calling your Aunt Meredith a xenophobic fascist – at least until after she passes the sweet potato casserole.
• If you need to take a moment during your delicious Thanksgiving meal, feel free to weep silently into the cranberry sauce … nobody’s going to eat that stuff anyways.
• Ixnay on the opular vote-pay.
• Don’t throw food at your siblings for supporting Trump; throw food at them for chasing you around the backyard with the garden hose when you were seven.
• Celebrate the commonalities associated with Thanksgiving that we can all appreciate – things like overeating and pumpkin pie and sitting on our butts while somebody else does the dishes!
• And if nothing else, never underestimate the power of stuffing your ears full of mashed potatoes and chanting, “La la la – maybe the electors will still pick Hillary anyways…” over and over again until it’s time to go Black Friday shopping.

The post Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving Dinner, 2016 Edition appeared first on Just Laugh.

To stand up and have your voice counted?

To unite with your fellow Americans to see that the most qualified candidate for the job is elected to become our next President of the United States?

Election Day, which is definitely this week, is quite possibly the most important day to our democracy, even ahead of National Bikini Day and Talk Like a Pirate Day. It’s so vital, in fact, that we’ve put together this essential guide to ensure that every American takes full advantage of this day so that we don’t have some sort of wild result that nobody could’ve possibly anticipated and/or stomached in the morning…

1. Go to your local voting precinct on Election Day, which is definitely this week.
2. Don’t allow yourself to get confused by “election frenzy” and vote on the wrong day – last week was pretty nutso with Halloween and all, so we wouldn’t want you to lose your place in the month and make a grave mistake!
3. If nobody is there when you arrive, you’re probably just early – no need to panic or riot or start filling out your cabinet with white nationalists and other horsemen of the bigot apocalypse.
4. Keep in mind that at least one candidate was worried about the vote being rigged, so if you encounter people walking around claiming that the election is already over and you’re not going to believe who won, it’s probably that rigging thing.
5. Don’t believe anything that you read on the Internet. Or watch on TV. Or read in the newspapers, if those are even still around anymore…
6. Exit polls are an important way for the news media to make predictions and have things to talk about on TV, so if asked about who you voted for, be sure to just make up the craziest thing you can think of to help boost their ratings during this time of need when really, TV media is the next to go after those dinosaur newspapers finally die off.
7. Did we mention that you need to go to the polls today – ON ELECTION DAY – to vote for President of the United States … which is definitely this week?! They’re also going to ask you about County Commissioners and Mosquito Control Officials, but the only one that isn’t completely made up for sure is the one about the president … who hasn’t yet been elected despite what anybody tells you.
8. Remember that voting is a right that sometimes up to 46.6% of your fellow Americans for whatever reason don’t get around to exercising, so consider tricking them into voting by asking them out to lunch and then driving to your local polling place instead. You can pick up Taco Bell or something on the way back.

Here’s to a safe and prosperous Election Day this week, America – may all of your votes be counted without some stupid voter ID laws or redistricting getting in the way, and may goodness and sanity prevail when tomorrow we celebrate our next President-Elect … who will definitely be the best, most-qualified and totally sane woman for the job.

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Election Day, Which is Definitely This Week… appeared first on Just Laugh.

The Meaning of Life
Why are we here? Is there other intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?? And if so, do they happen to have any amazing fondue recipes that we haven’t thought of yet???

Colonizing Mars
As far as we can tell, they don’t have a two-party system or the electoral college there yet, so Mars has that going for it.

Would The Beatles Still Be Together Today If John Lennon Hadn’t Been Assassinated?
Maybe.

Chips with Queso
I could go for some right about now if you guys want to split an order for the table.

The Birds and the Bees
Just two members of the same species having raunchy, unadulterated consensual intercourse – ain’t nothing wrong with that!

Margaritaville
It’s not a real place like Mars is, but it’s a state of mind where the tequila bar is always open which sounds pretty inviting right about now.

CHRISTMAS!!!
It’s never too early to start talking about Santa and Frosty, and Jesus, and being outraged over whatever color Starbucks makes their cups this year! Grrrr…

The Second Coming of Christ
I mean, hopefully he waits until after Christmas so it doesn’t spoil everybody’s holiday cheer, but The Second Coming of Christ – boy, that sure would be something, wouldn’t it?!

The Good, Old Days…
You know, back when we were growing up and we had the world at our fingertips, and we hadn’t just elected an egomaniacal bigot to be our President who will likely incite a race war that will lead us into World War 3 – those were the days.

The post 10 Things We’d Rather Be Talking About Than President-Elect Donald Trump appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I know that the bologna sandwich is a sandwich,” cited bologna supporter Rick Fareway when polled about his vote, “but the other candidate is just a lying liar who should be in jail for the lies that she’s committed against her country.”

“What happens if somebody eats the sandwich?” challenged bologna critic Angela Paterra in a passionate plea for supporters to vote for a real, actual person and not a mediocre lunch option. “Then we don’t have a president anymore because somebody ate it?! Come on – use your heads, people…”

Happily reporting her candidate’s hard-earned victory amongst considerable criticism from both sandwich enthusiasts and traditional voters alike, bologna sandwich campaign manager Kellyanne Condiment reported, “We knew all along that this election was going to be bologna – it just took time for voters to warm up to the taste of it. But now that they’ve all voted and there’s definitely no backsies, a bologna president is what the American people can look forward to for the next four years because a bologna president is what we all truly deserve.”

The post Americans Unknowingly Elect Bologna Sandwich as Their Next President appeared first on Just Laugh.

When he was just the host of some dumb TV show where he fired people for fame and glory and sometimes for charity; when he was just some random billionaire who had printed his name in gold on a bunch of tall buildings in New York, but otherwise harmless.

A lot has changed since then and somehow Donald Trump has managed to slink his way to the top of our news headlines every single day. It doesn’t matter what he says – we read about him, and as a writer I have to write about him, even though I truly despise the man and would presently rank him somewhere between Caligula and Attila the Hun in a list of Just The Worst Possible Guys of All Time. Ever.

Even when I think that I’m sitting down to write an article about poisoning children with Halloween candy or the Booger Eating Champion of Pipestone, Minnesota, my fingers gravitate to those letters that spell out the name of the Root of All Evil and the Leader of the GOP…

D O N A L D  T R U M P

It’s like my keyboard has transformed into a Ouija board and I’m just another conduit out of which random content about Donald Trump pours into our world, flooding our consciousness and eroding away the very fibers of our being with locker room language from another dimension and creepy winks that are likely capable of giving you the clap.

Late, late at night, after my children have all gone to sleep and the house is perfectly silent, I sit staring at this blinking cursor, fantasizing about an article, a blog post, hell – even a simple tweet, that speaks of colorblind owls or Santa Claus being an alcoholic once more, without any mention of He Who Shall Not NOT Be Named whatsoever…

I dream of this fantastical time of free creative expression, unburdened by the pressures of the worst human being ever potentially being elected to the most important political office in the land. In this world the sun shines a little more brightly, and the children are welcome to frolic in the streets without fear of overhearing whatever the scary, orange man is being mean about today.

Neighbors are friendly to one another, or at least not boisterously racist, and even the 4s and the 5s feel comfortable in their own skin as they co-exist among the 9s and the 10s in harmony.

Feeling my fingers curl in resistance as the calendar still looms forward towards Election Day … whenever it actually is … I know that his thorny, grasp of reality denial is one which we must endure for a while longer, but with the kindness of voters across this great country, in just a few short weeks writers like myself could one day experience that freedom once again that we haven’t felt since June 16, 2015.

Together we can make America great again … by collectively not typing the words Donald Trump into our columns and status updates and PornHub searches ever again.

And that’s change I can believe in…

The post A Writer Dreams of a Post-Trump World… appeared first on Just Laugh.

“Sir, if you’re not happy with your lunch, we’d be more than happy to bring you something else…” Maître D’ Alfonzo Moretti asked of the esteemed businessman, only to be quickly ushered away by Trump Campaign Manager, Kellyanne Conway.

“Mr. Trump will be finished with his meal once he is satisfied that it has been prepared fairly and justly,” Conway told the headwaiter curtly. “Unless, of course, he loves his meal, in which case you’re welcome to take his plate once it’s been fully cleared.”

“With all due respect, Ma’am,” Moretti countered in private with Conway, “he’s hasn’t taken a bite in an hour and a half. We need to prep for our dinner guests … certainly your candidate has more important things to do this afternoon as well…”

“Mr. Trump … right now … is focused on his lunch, and that is all,” Conway reiterated with a dismissive sigh before returning her attention to her Blackberry while Trump sat silently across from her.

After watching the presidential hopeful push the remaining pieces of beef around his plate with his fork for another twenty minutes without taking a single bite, Buon Manager Alessandro Ricci placed his head in his hand with a deep sigh before instructing his team to present Trump’s campaign staff with their selection of fine coffee and espresso offerings as they appeared to be settling in for a long evening.

“We have guests that travel from Paris and London just for our carpaccio,” Ricci cited frustratingly as he began regretfully calling dinner guests to cancel their reservations for that evening. “150 years of history in that carpaccio in front of him, but I guess he’s still just … not sure.”

The post Trump Refuses to Concede to Being Finished with Beef Carpaccio appeared first on Just Laugh.

The post Things With Eyes – President Sourpuss appeared first on Just Laugh.

“We cannot let Killary Clowncar steal this election,” shouted Donald Trump at a rally Tuesday evening in Palm Beach City, Florida, “so I need to see every last one of you at the polls on Rocktober 14th to vote for me – Donald Klump, err, I mean Trump.”

The following day at Lakeland Linder Regional Airport in Lakeland, Florida, Trump’s urgings continued, “If you all don’t go out and vote for Trump on Obamavember 29th, the Rebel Alliance will assume absolute control over the Republic and all hope will be lost…”

On his lunch break that afternoon, Trump was later observed explaining to a non-voting statue of an oversized ornamental swan the importance for all creatures big and small to turn out for him on Bell Biv DeVoember 3rd to cast their votes for Master of the Universe.

The post Trump Encourages Voters to Get Out and Hit the Polls on Blorgtember 287th appeared first on Just Laugh.

“What kind of idiot is running this campaign, anyways?!” Trump spouted as he poured over his Twitter feed in vain, searching for someone – anyone – who deserved a few unprovoked jabs at 3:20am to help him pass the time until that famed day in November when he won’t be elected President of the United States.

“God, Rosie O’Donnell is such a whore…” Trump mumbled before quickly being corrected by his staff that he’d in fact already addressed O’Donnell several times just earlier that afternoon.

“I know, she’s just … ugh…” the grumpy seagull mused as his team of advisors sat shaking their heads, fearful to do any actual advising because, you know, why start now?

“How about children?! They’re always so loud and rambunctious, and their gigantic hands are so sticky!” the Donald began to rave before being momentarily cut off by campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.

“Children can’t vote, Sir…”

“…but my god, Rosie is just so-” Trump quickly interjected, incessantly furthering his unhealthy, borderline manic obsession with the Emmy Award-winning comedian, actress, and television host.

“Donald, no – let’s try to stay focused…”

Sweating bullets as they hastily assembled a list of potential punching bags while the dismal candidate continued to grumble about the scores of individuals and organizations and racial stereotypes and food groups that he’s already erupted upon, the Trump campaign winced upon the realization that their candidate’s namesake insults may have left him without enough stamina to actually finish out the campaign trail in the manner in which America would’ve expected…

The few remaining targets for Trump’s insulting rhetoric included:

• Winners who have lost even just once.
• Billionaires whose names don’t rhyme with Fronald Rump.
• White, blue collar workers who are so blinded by their hate for Hillary Clinton that they can’t even recognize the devil flashing his disgusting, red wiener in front of them tauntingly while wearing a hideous baseball cap.
• Rosie O’Donnell (added solely at Trump’s relentless insistence)

“I just can’t believe that you guys let me blow my entire hate wad too early,” Trump charged, raising his tiny fist in the air while the group scrambled to verify that their latest paychecks from the Trump organization had in fact cleared.

“You people are the absolute worst campaign staff I’ve ever seen – keep this up and the only job you’ll land after I fire you is working for Rosie O’Donnell, and if you haven’t heard, let me tell you that she’s just absolutely…”

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