Covering a myriad of both physical and mental feats, the Seven Trials of the Sacred Flame will pit Republican politicians against the very worst of themselves as they’re forced to face their fears of open flame, scientific consensus, and not gouging their plebian constituents through the nose should they dare to get sick without a proper middle-class job that offers health insurance.

“It’s not going to be an easy road,” Ryan spoke solemnly as an aid placed the ceremonial headdress upon his skull, “however it is only once you’ve danced among the pillars of fire and navigated through the maze of walk-in clinic list rates that you can call yourselves true men … or women, for 22 of you, but let’s just be honest here … mostly men.”

When asked whether he believed that his soon to be former colleagues were up to the harrowing challenge, Speaker Boehner told us, “The Mighty Silent One would be a grand asset to lead our people, but his demands will be hard meet indeed for so long as our numbers boast assholes larger than the majestic buffalo.”

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Let me repeat that.

Of all the Republican Presidential candidates, Donald the Hairpiece Trump is currently the most popular candidate.

FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

And granted, I think that we can all agree that he’s also by far the most craziest candidate, but maybe that’s what you need to stand out in this crazy, gay-marrying, majestic-lion-hunting, McDonald’s-serving-breakfast-all-day-y’ing world we live in today! Thankfully, if the name of the game is to out crazy Donald Trump, then we’re just the folks to ask for some ideas that each of the candidates can use to make themselves stand out here in 2015…

• Jeb Bush – Announce transition to Jen Bush, as most spell checkers suggest when typing his name anyways.
• Chris Christie – Eat one donut for each GOP Presidential Candidate who’s thrown their hat into the ring so far, otherwise known to Chris Christie simply as eating breakfast.
• Dr. Ben Carson – Pull off his rubber mask and dramatically reveal that he’s really just Herman Cain in disguise.
• Rand Paul – Also change his name to Jen Bush, or Roger Paul, or Bernie Cleaver, or whatever, because Rand sounds like the name of a cyborg, not an actual human being.
• Ted Cruz – Just don’t talk.
• Mike Huckabee – Cage fight to the death with his buddy Chuck Norris.
• Rick Perry – Try wearing a slightly larger hat.
• Marco Rubio – Make all of his public appearances with a bald eagle perched on his shoulder, but never acknowledge it at all.
• Scott Walker – Conduct his usual day buried up to his neck in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
• Rick Santorum – Attend one of Dan Savage’s crazy, gay sex orgies and just admit it already.

The post Crazy Conservative Spotlight appeared first on Just Laugh.

“That thing that all of the other rich people are doing – I shall do it, too, and I shall do it better, for my name is Donald Trump,” Trump boasted with an unauthorized version of Neil Young’s Rockin’ in the Free World blaring patriotically in the background.

“I have people that work for me that do amazing things,” the man pontificated to no one in particular. “This speech, for example – I paid a team of people to write it. And these clothes – I believe they were hand-sewed by a band of exceptionally talented nine year-olds in China. Whatever it is – I have great people under me to drive the Trump brand to success, and that’s exactly what I intend to do with whatever we’re gathered here to talk about today.”

Later during an electric light show over the city that Trump confirmed was “very expensive,” his Royal Hairness admitted that he had already grown bored with whatever it was he had committed to doing earlier that day, but if that’s what it would take to get America back on track, he’d be happy to do his part by lavishly announcing to give it another try several times more in the weeks to come until a legitimately capable person steps forward whom he can outsource the job to while still furthering to build the Trump brand into an even more impressive whatever than it already is.

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Expressing strong concerns both about upsetting the multi-million dollar fast food lobby as well as disrupting several of the candidates’ lunch plans, Republican frontrunners are already preparing an aggressive counter campaign that includes reclassifying hamburgers as vegetables and somehow accusing her of probably being born in Kenya.

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Iran Offers to Mediate Talks Between Republicans and Obama

He said that his nation was the “logical choice” to jumpstart negotiations between Obama and the Republicans because “it has become clear that both sides currently talk more to Iran than to each other.”

(via The New Yorker)

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By measure of a historic 81 – 14 vote on Friday, January 23, 2015, the United States Senate agreed to uphold not only the Pythagorean philosophy from the year 3 BC of our planet being in fact not flat, but a spherical object that was later reinforced by the explorer Ferdinand Magellan in the early 1500s when he circumnavigated the globe, in addition to the studies of Nicolaus Copernicus who in the 16th century suggested that the Earth orbits around the Sun and not vice-versa.

Though many years of intense debate finally urged senators to reach across the aisle in support of these ideals that the scientific community has thoroughly documented literally for centuries, a select few such as Senator Ted Cruz (R – TX), who was recently named the chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness, urge their colleagues and constituents to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.

“I urge my colleagues and constituents, despite this radical proclamation,” Cruz spoke, “to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.”

“The Earth sure looks flat in every picture I’ve ever seen of it, and as for the sun – that disappears for hours upon hours out of every single day, completely unaccountable – well, who really knows???”

“The important thing,” Cruz concluded, “is that we don’t let this acceptance of scientific evidence become a slippery slope that leads us to also taking as general fact such old wives’ tales as global warming, the moon landing, and of course, why human beings can’t rub their stomachs and chew bubble gum at the same time.”

“There are simply some things that mankind wasn’t meant to understand, and I will fight vigorously to overturn today’s judgment until the day that they escort me from the building for trespassing,” Senator Cruz promised.

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