Here at ESJHS, we pride ourselves in the level of dedication that our teachers make to the safety and education of our students, and we’re looking forward to a crisis-free school year that will allow the majority of our staff to sleep at night unmedicated.

A bit of formal business…

• We’re excited to announce a new AR-15: Shoot, Educate, Survive weapons package from our defense partners at ArmaLite that includes a lightweight and classroom ready, semi-automatic rifle, premium leather sport strap embroidered with our school logo, and limited edition polishing kit for only $1,199. Orders placed in the next two weeks will also receive a free 8″ carbon steel hunting knife – perfect for hand-to-hand combat! Payroll deduct forms are available in the teacher’s lounge.
• Please take some time to familiarize yourself with the new defense protocols which have been installed in your classroom over the summer. We’re happy that last year’s PTA was able to raise enough funds to add laser tripwires to all of our halls which will trigger a high-pitched alert in classrooms at the slightest disruption. Additionally, in the event of an interior breach, your desk can be converted into a sniper’s nest in 15 easy steps – Mr. Stephens has posted a walkthrough video on LearnNet that you’ll want to watch!
• ESJHS is pleased to announce that Ashley Hall and Riley Davis are our latest Faculty Sharpshooters, having completed the prerequisite 300 hours of training and intrusion drills over their summer break. Way to duck and cover, girls!
• A newsletter will be going out to parents to announce the new grenade bar that has been added to the cafeteria lunch line where students will be able to choose from a selection of explosive charges in popular colors. These are going to be a big hit for helping to keep our playground perimeter secure, so as we say each morning here at ESJHS – “Be ready for anything!”
• And finally, as you are well aware, our supplies have once again run critically low, so please be sure to remind students that the priority items on their school supply list continue to be the recommended 4 boxes of Remington .223 steel case ammunition (20 count) – both Short Range and Distance Plus varieties are needed.
• • Note: Tissues, #2 pencils, copy paper, and sympathy cards may be purchased in bulk with your own funds from the nearby Super Target, however please remember that these items will no longer be tax deductible in 2018.

Don’t forget…

• Teachers In-Service Days this year will be focused around battlefield tactics and small arms management, so put away those study guides and wear comfortable shoes as we’re going to be transforming our school into some really creative active shooter scenarios that will leave you having night sweats and career regrets the rest of your 4-day week!

Have a great year, teachers – shoot to learn!

 – Principal Gary J. “Machine Gun” Meyers

The post Welcome to Davison County Public Schools Sponsored by ArmaLite! appeared first on Just Laugh.

Kid: Hey Dad, check out this new thing that I found to chew on!

(mind you, he doesn’t really talk yet, but the slobber and tooth marks pretty much say it all)

Dad: No no no! Those are batteries – you can’t play with those…

Kid: WAHHHHHHH!!! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!?! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!!!!!

And here I thought I was doing pretty good installing those stupid safety latches on all of the cabinets and drawers that I literally forget about every single time I go to grab a spoon now, but apparently despite my mild attempts to make our home slightly less deadly for my ever-exploring toddler, it seems that I’ve still got a ways to go because he’s pretty much constantly finding new things to chew on that most definitely aren’t intended for human consumption!

I mean, sure – the latches will prevent him from playing with the Drain-O and the electric mixer, but I’ve got a funny feeling that kids aren’t supposed to play with dog food and dirty flip-flops and laptop power supplies, either, and at the end of the day they just don’t make special safety gizmos for every random thing in this house that a child under the age of 25 isn’t supposed to get his curiously grubby, little mitts on…

In a way, I can’t really blame the kid when there are literally more toys than not toys scattered throughout the rooms and hallways of this house for his recreational enjoyment – seriously, you can’t walk three feet around here without stepping on a stuffed whale shark or accidentally triggering a singing taxi cab right after you’ve finally gotten him down for his nap!

Of course, it’s really the tantrums that truly seal the deal because as excruciating as the scream of a toddler who’s just been deprived of something that could potentially kill him can be, they also offer us a hilarious opportunity to take a step back and remind us just how absolutely ridiculous humans of all ages and sizes can be. Kind of like when you’re out to lunch with somebody and the waitress apologizes for being all out of pickles and your friend proceeds to go on a tirade because “What kind of self-respecting sandwich hole would allow themselves to be out of pickles?!” and everybody’s staring at you and if your memory serves you, your friend doesn’t even like pickles, anyways…

I think those are the same types of people who absolutely lost their minds when their parents cruelly took Dad’s golf shoes away from them before they had a chance to perforate their baby brother’s spleen or something.

So I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see what happens – maybe if I litter this place with enough Fisher-Price and Playskool paraphernalia, he won’t catch on when I discretely have to inch away the saber saw that he’s been unintentionally wielding around the living room for the last twenty minutes…

I have got to start keeping that thing out in the garage like my wife said.

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And let’s say that you shoot a charging lion from 90 feet away (that’s the distance from home plate to first base in professional baseball). Then let’s say that the lion doesn’t actually die, or even stop, and mauls you instead.

Whose fault is it? Yours? No, because you actually hit the lion the first time. The lion’s? Probably, because he didn’t have the good manners to die when you shot him. How about the bullet manufacturer’s? Absolutely! They didn’t make a bullet that killed the lion the way it was supposed to.

If you’re Rolf Rohwer of Scotland, that’s the approach you’ll take.

Rohwer is a professional game hunter who takes clients on hunting safaris in Tanzania. They hunt lions, elephants, and hippos, among other animals.

It was while Rohwer was trying a new type of ammunition on August 11, 2000 that he was mauled by a wounded lion. Rohwer managed to shoot it a second time, while the lion was letting Rohwer know how he felt about being shot the first time.

Rohwer suffered permanent damage to his legs, arm, and back in the attack, but has since returned to hunting. The lion, on the other hand, suffered permanent bodily harm, and probably has his head hanging on the wall of some Tanzanian bar.

So Rohwer filed a federal lawsuit against the Federal Cartridge Company of Anoka, Minnesota for making ammunition that was not suitable for all big game.

According to the lawsuit, the bullet — a .458 Winchester Magnum, 500 grain Trophy Bonded Bear Claw — is supposed to expand upon impact, killing an animal quickly. And that would work fine on a rhinoceros, elephant, or other thick-skinned animal. But with a lion’s thin skin, the bullet passed through with minimal damage.

Louis Franecke, Rohwer’s lawyer, told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: “We think the company makes good ammunition, but not all of it is good for every application. Therein lies the problem. This bullet is not suitable for all big game.”

So how is this the manufacturer’s fault? Rohwer has 30 years of big game hunting experience, so he should know if a bullet is suitable for thick-skinned animals or thin-skinned animals. And as a professional, he already knows hunting has risks.

Besides, hunting is an activity where there should be some danger involved. It’s never struck me as fair that we humans use our vastly superior intelligence and technology to kill animals whose idea of a good day is to “use the jungle” without being eaten.

Now before anyone accuses me of being anti-hunting, let me just say for the record that nothing is further from the truth. While I’m too much of a wuss to be a hunter myself, I respect hunters, and support their right to do it. I just can’t bring myself to shoot an animal that’s been the star of a Disney motion picture. But you’re more than welcome to.

What I really don’t understand is why hunting is considered a challenge at all. You hide in the trees, or drive around in a Jeep. You stake out a watering hole where animals will gather, and wear camouflage so you can’t be seen. And you use a gun large enough to, well, kill an elephant. Where’s the challenge? Doesn’t the animal get a fighting chance, or is there just a loud bang, a sharp pain, and then total blackness?

If you go on one of Rohwer’s safaris, you will also be housed in “classic safari camps” in a place where you can “…experience the truly wild hunting experience of…(Ernest) Hemingway and (Robert) Ruark.”

According to Rohwer’s website, these classic camps have “spacious tents (that) are insect proof and are equipped with en-suite flush toilets and hot showers.” And like any classic safari camp, “gourmet meals are served with the finest available vegetables and condiments.” There is also “…a staff to meet your every need.”

You know, typical safari hunting like Hemingway used to do.

Hemingway: I say, Jeeves, is there any more goose liver pate?

Jeeves: Of course, sir. Would you also like a nice glass of Burgundy?

Hemingway: Absolutely. And could you please swat that fly that has entered my tent?

So how does hiding in the bushes to pick off animals like a sniper constitute a challenge? At least in Rohwer’s case, the lion got a fighting chance. There was truly a struggle between man and beast. And while I’m glad Rohwer wasn’t killed, I do appreciate the irony that the hunter was the hunted, even if it was only for a few seconds.

Rohwer should just chalk this up to a learning experience. He should have tested the bullets on a target before he tried to shoot something that could eat him.

My neighbor’s safety light that shines right in my bedroom window at two in the morning would be a great target.

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