“Yeah, what’s that?! I look pretty cool now – maybe y’all should’ve thought about actually sending somebody by to have a chat before you vultures took my title without so much as a phone call…” the former planet jeered as the first images retrieved by the spacecraft were beamed back to Earth and instantly became the subject of great excitement by publications such as the New York Times, CNN, TIME Magazine, and the BBC.

“Just smile and show me your craters – you don’t have to be a dick about it,” New Horizons reportedly told Pluto before snapping hundreds of high resolution pictures of the planetoid from every angle, snickering and making suggestive comments about its global geology and chemical compositions before sending the prize photos back to its bosses on Earth at an alleged cost of nearly $700 million.

“It’s all just part of being a planet, err, former planet,” veteran probe Viking 1 defended the actions of New Horizons, having been tasked with capturing similar close-up photos of Mars 40 years ago. “This is space we’re talking about – there’s no expectation of privacy out there!”

Though precedent by NASA’s numerous probes throughout the solar system suggests that such photography will continue to be not only tolerated, but actively encouraged by the planetary elite who profit grandly from the unwelcome intrusions, this latest incident no doubt drudges up sour grapes from the International Astronomical Union’s decision nearly a decade prior to remind us that such reclassifications can have a lasting effect on even the most distant of planetoids, long after the rest of us have moved on to new expeditions and more exciting prospects of the potential for life a mere 140 million miles away.

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“Our bad,” a Pentagon spokesman responded via e-mail to concerns about the deadly biohazard coming within such close contact to one of the largest suppliers of chocolate bars and treats to children throughout the United States. “This is embarrassing, but if there’s one thing that we as an all-powerful military organization have learned in the past week, it’s that we have some challenge areas that require improvement – in particular, the shipping of hazardous pathogens around the country, and apparently even the world.”

In response to these horrific events, the Department of Defense has stated that it is currently reviewing all of its policies and procedures for labs that work with anthrax, and will be updating these policies to ensure that the deadly biotoxin is not shipped to random addresses across the globe willy-nilly in the upcoming weeks.

“As an aside,” the representative added at the end of the electronic commique, “if you could pass along to your readers that anyone who happens to receive an unexpected parcel or package from the United States Army in the next couple of days, do us a favor and don’t open it. Instead, please just leave those packages out by your mailbox with RETURN TO SENDER clearly marked on them, and our friends in blue at the U.S. Postal Service will be happy to get those boxes back to us … whatever horrible chemical agent or deadly biotoxin happens to be in them.”

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That marginal effort is one that takes place each year called Earth Day, celebrated by a percentage of our population doing things outside to make it seem like we actually appreciate the natural world around us because even if we really don’t, Mother Nature still awards points for effort.

Here are some ways to earn your Earth Day Points this year that you should totally try for yourself!

• No farting.
• Spend a portion of your day walking around outside, thinking about the Earth and what a swell place it is to live. Hum the tune to Captain Planet as you go and kick Dr. Blight in the nuts if you see him.
• Trim back half hour-long shower to more reasonable 30 minutes.
• Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back for remembering to carry the recycling bin out to the curb this week.
• Pledge to plant a new tree for each one that you’ve heroically ripped from Mother Earth with the help of your freakishly mutated blue ox named Babe.
• Instead of driving your car to the store, order a pizza for delivery so that you can spend more time watching documentaries on the Discovery Channel about ways to conserve energy.
• If anyone at school or work tries to peer pressure you into polluting, just say no.
• Invent an economical, environmentally sustainable way of generating green energy for the world’s population to replace the burning of fossil fuels and then soak in that delicious sun all the way to the bank as your revolutionary idea makes you rich beyond your wildest dreams while also helping to save the planet or whatever.

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“The presence of ice, and therefore water itself, is a strong building block for the presence of life on Mars,” explained Lead Biologist Megan Frahley, “but these new finds of deposits containing both glassware and rimming salt suggest that not only was there at one point life on Mars, but that they were an easy-going crowd that knew how to put the work week behind them and just have a great time with family and friends, perhaps with some Jimmy Buffett music playing in the background.”

Igniting a new drive to uncover more about the laid back aspects of Martian life, scientists at JPL have already re-tasked the Martian Rover Curiosity to begin searching for what they believe may be an ancient caché of frozen margarita mix near the planet’s northern pole.

The post Salt, Margarita Glasses Also Discovered on Mars appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I’ve been having a hard time finding a way to tell my children why they have to suffer through dangerous and potentially debilitating diseases that were almost eradicated by Vaccines…”

“A definite buy if you idealize the good old days of short life spans and high infant mortality rates!”

“As a carpenter who specializes in itty bitty coffins…”

Happy not vaxing!

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By measure of a historic 81 – 14 vote on Friday, January 23, 2015, the United States Senate agreed to uphold not only the Pythagorean philosophy from the year 3 BC of our planet being in fact not flat, but a spherical object that was later reinforced by the explorer Ferdinand Magellan in the early 1500s when he circumnavigated the globe, in addition to the studies of Nicolaus Copernicus who in the 16th century suggested that the Earth orbits around the Sun and not vice-versa.

Though many years of intense debate finally urged senators to reach across the aisle in support of these ideals that the scientific community has thoroughly documented literally for centuries, a select few such as Senator Ted Cruz (R – TX), who was recently named the chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness, urge their colleagues and constituents to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.

“I urge my colleagues and constituents, despite this radical proclamation,” Cruz spoke, “to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.”

“The Earth sure looks flat in every picture I’ve ever seen of it, and as for the sun – that disappears for hours upon hours out of every single day, completely unaccountable – well, who really knows???”

“The important thing,” Cruz concluded, “is that we don’t let this acceptance of scientific evidence become a slippery slope that leads us to also taking as general fact such old wives’ tales as global warming, the moon landing, and of course, why human beings can’t rub their stomachs and chew bubble gum at the same time.”

“There are simply some things that mankind wasn’t meant to understand, and I will fight vigorously to overturn today’s judgment until the day that they escort me from the building for trespassing,” Senator Cruz promised.

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That said, you know sometimes we’ve got to take the good with the bad, and maybe if we want a cell phone that will direct us to the nearest Red Robin at the push of a button, we need to accept that our intellectually and efficiently superior masters are going to eventually want a little something-something in return.

But really … how bad could it be???

• Siri purposely begins giving snarky, blatantly wrong answers when she’s having one of those kinds of days.
• Anyone who remembers Battlebots knows that robot road rage has got to be way worse than our kind!
• Hot robo-sex turns out to be much more scalding and hydraulic than HBO’s Real Sex led us to believe.
• Robot overlords don’t believe in affordable healthcare for the masses, either, even though they have a plan of their own that’s pretty much exactly the same thing.
• Robots are exceedingly strict about Facebook usage during slaving hours.
• Will Smith is probably going to insist on Jaden “helping” to fight off the invasion.
• The robots over in Europe and Asia are no doubt going to be 90% more efficient than the ones we have enslaving us here in the States, yet we’ll still pay double or triple what they’re paying over there and somehow insist that ours are just naturally superior.
• The auto-flush toilets and vibrating sex toys of the world are gonna be mighty pissed when they realize what we’ve been making them do for us all of this time…

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