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So how can we get in on all of that steamy action?!

• Pick a good safe word so that your partner knows when things are getting a little too intense – something like Alligator, or Hotdog, or Please Please Please Stop Okay Maybe Just One More.
• Remember that a ball-gag can be a good thing to have around the house not only for kinky sex, but even just when that person locked in your basement won’t pipe down and you need some peace and quiet.
• In one classic scene, Christian Grey blindfolds his submissive girlfriend Ana, but the kink doesn’t have to stop there! Bring an extra blindfold so that both of you can fantasize about the sex you’d rather be having – it’s a win-win!!!
• If your lover happens to call out for Mr. Grey in the thralls of passion, just roll with it, however if she shouts for Colonel Mustard instead, you may want to keep an eye out for that lead pipe stashed behind the headboard.
• Know that a good spanking is one where your wooden spoon breaks, the dog hides in the closet, and your wife calls her mother the next day to apologize for breaking that antique vase her grandmother brought back from China when she was nine years old.
• Although bondage can be a little scary for beginners, just remember that it’s perfectly safe as long as your partner is a mysterious billionaire who gives you little reason to trust him other than the desperate acceptance that you’ve never quite felt before.
• Take care not to leave any embarrassing marks on your partner that can’t be covered up with a turtleneck for work the next day; emotional scars are the best because those won’t show themselves again for years!
• And lastly, as a general rule sex is always better if your lover owns a helicopter. You can pick one up on eBay and it’s so much quicker than actually learning how to be more intimate with your partner, plus even when you’re not having sex, you still own a helicopter!

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• Don’t put your kid in the blender, or really any sort of counter-top mixing device.
• Don’t let your kid play in the dryer.
• Don’t watch porn with your kid. Or make porn with your kid. Or pretty much do anything porn-related with regards to your kid.

So imagine my surprise this weekend when I find myself at the theater with my lovely wife, enjoying a mid-afternoon comedy in the form of the R-rated feature from Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz called Sex Tape.

Sex Tape.

It’s a movie about a couple who makes a sex tape.

A porno sex tape.

I’ve checked around and there really aren’t any other kinds, which would leave you to maybe believe that kids shouldn’t watch them, and likewise maybe kids shouldn’t watch R-rated comedies about making them, either. But the problem with R-rated movies is that despite them being restricted on account of having adult material that parents are urged to learn more about prior to taking their young children to watch them, some parents are fucking morons and take their 10 year-old children to movies like Sex Tape anyways.

Let me tell you, it’s really weird to try and enjoy Jason Segel’s bare ass and Cameron Diaz snorting a little blow and lots and lots of fucking and talking about fucking when there’s a group of little kids just across the aisle from me wondering why their horrible parents couldn’t have just taken them to see the one about the talking airplanes instead.

Sorry … my bad. SPOILERS!!!

So anyways, on account of apparently having more really stupid parents out there than I realized, I thought that I’d do a little public service here and put together a quick list of some other places where idiot parents who would take their kids to a movie like Sex Tape shouldn’t take their kids…

1. Strip Clubs, Dance Clubs – Pretty much any kind of club where asses are shaking freely and there’s a bouncer at the door to keep idiots like you out.
2. Adult Video Stores & Adult Novelty Stores – See that word “adult”??? That should be a clue.
3. Nudie Bars, Nude Beaches – Really, anything with nude or a derivative of in the title.
4. That Black Van on the Playground the Kids Are Told to Avoid in Grade School – resist the temptation of free candy … it’s not worth the trade-off of being raped
5. Booze Cruises – Open bar, open water, drastically underage patrons … what could go wrong?!
6. Dog Fights – This is not Benji vs. Lassie where everybody’s a winner!
7. Erupting Volcanoes – We touched on this not long ago … lava hot … burny burny … bad for human skin in general, especially that of young children … no touchy touchy, ok???
8. Jet Turbines – They’re just like the fan in your living room, except that they’re spinning at 26,000 rpms and will cut your tongue off faster than you can hum into the blades, “Luke, I am your father…”
9. Jaws – Believe it or not, the inside of the mouth of a Great White Shark is typically not the best environment for small children.
10. Chemical Weapon Factory Tour – You know what? Have a ball, knock your socks off – what’s the worst that could happen?!

The post Other Places Where Your Kids Don’t Belong… appeared first on Just Laugh.

It seems that diseases aren’t really important unless they can be referred to in the acronym form…like SARS, AIDS, or STDs. When you get an STD, you know you’re in trouble.

If you have an STD, you can forget your whole dating life. You might as well wrap your genitals in a ziploc bag because you won’t be needing those anytime soon. Just wrap them up and put them in the freezer and hope that you can use them at a later date. And later on, your friends would come over and look in your freezer for food.

“What’s this?” Joe would ask inspecting the ziploc bag.

“Oh, those are my genitals.”

“You keep your genitals in a ziploc bag?”

“Yeah, they were burning and itching too much.”

And after that dialogue, Joe would shake the bag to see if it’s sealed properly. And I would reply that it was, because the stripe is now purple.

But you can’t blame people for STDs though. You have to blame society on that one. Society has inundated us with so much sex. Everywhere you look, it’s sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. You can’t get away from it.

Society is to blame for all the sex in the world. They throw it at you on television (we have a show that’s called, Are you hot?), they throw it at you in magazines (Maxim, FHM, etc.), the Internet (one word – porn)…so much so that, now, my mind automatically thinks of sex no matter what I look at.

I’m driving down the highway and I see a sign that reads, “Please slow down, my mommy works here.” All I’m thinking is, your mommy works on the street? What is she, a prostitute? I’m thinking, “Where is she? I have $50 bucks.”

Everything we see is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Because as the saying goes, “Sex sells.”

I read an article about a company called Vibelet.com that developed software called Purring Kitty, in which you can download into your phone, the same way you can download ring tones into your phone. This software allows your phone to convert into an adult sex toy. It uses the vibration feature on your phone and turns it into a high speed vibrator. (Note: It only works with Nokia phones, so you can’t ‘Just Phone Joan’ yet.)

This is your phone. I’d hate to hear the voice mail on this one. “I can’t come to my phone right now, but I can cum to my phone right now.”

It gives a new meaning to the term, “phone sex.” And how much does this phone call cost per minute?

You just mention the word ‘sex’ and my mind gets disoriented. A friend of mine is having a baby and she says, “We don’t know what the sex is yet…”

I yell, “Oh my God! Sex, I got to get out of here!”

There should be a watchdog group for “too much sex advertising.” Why not? We seem to have a group for everything anyway…like PETA, the animal rights activists… Do we really need people telling us to not treat animals that way?

Animal rights activist?

I’m an animal wrongs activist. I just go up to people and say, “You can’t put that sweater on that dog, that’s not cute, and You can’t have sex with that sheep, that’s not cute.”

So to reduce the overbearing sex that society throws at me, I have to go to the strip clubs. I love the strip clubs because there’s nothing more exhilarating than waking up with a smile, knowing that you’re broke and you smell like watermelon.

So if in fact, sex does sell, I just bought it for a $10.00 admission, six dollar-dances, and two private dances.

The post The World is Filled with Sex, Sex, and More Sex appeared first on Just Laugh.

Young Rebecca had been living it up at a local bar within walking distance of her college dormitory last Friday night and after having been bought many an alcoholic beverage, her friends reported that she was acting quite a bit more friendly than normal. It was at approximately 12:38 AM that an African-American gentleman from the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity intervened and asked Rebecca to dance, and the night just went downhill from there.

As the story typically goes, the dancing led to more drinks, which then in turn led to even more dancing, becoming all-the-more provokative as the night progressed. Eventually Jacob, the gentleman in this tale, suggested that they proceed to a more intimate setting and Rebecca, being quite liquored up by then, thought it was a terrific idea! Of course, one thing quickly led to another and Rebecca soon found herself enjoying a nice ride on the “bone rollercoaster,” if you know what we mean…

Unfortunately for Jacob, however, this turned out to be a one-ride-only night, which he wasn’t exactly used to…or was he? It came as no surprise to the young man’s frat buddies that Rebecca left the house unsatisfied that evening, yet oddly enough she didn’t take up a single one of their offers to allieviate the situation. Rebecca proceeded downtown to one of her favorite nightclubs, The Eager Beaver, where the dish was soon served about her “experience.”

“I had always heard that black guys were supposed to be, like, huge!” she exclaimed, “…but this guy’s was anything but that…” The young woman continued on into the wee hours of the night, even proclaiming, after three more margaritas that, she’d like to try a “purple guy” next because “maybe they taste like grape or something…”

All this reporter has to say is this – even if they did taste like grape, Rebecca, I’m pretty sure a “purple guy” wouldn’t want anything to do with you. Nothing personal!

The post Woman Goes “Back,” Only Shortly After Going “Black” appeared first on Just Laugh.

43% of us! Cold, nonclimactic and chafing.

When I read the results, there was only one word that came to mind. Actually, me being me, it came to mouth, and tumbled out quite loudly: HORSESHIT.

Pardon the language, but when my entire gender is being wrongly maligned, I tend to take it personally and verbally.

Sure, there is a certain percentage of the female population who owe their sexual unhappiness to actual physiological conditions: vaginal dryness, depression, menopause, etc. But for the rest of that 43%, and to a larger extent, many of the women in the remaining 56%, the cause is plain, simple and contains only three letters: M-A-N.

I have participated in enough impromptu discussions with friends to know that if there is unhappiness in the sexual arena of the relationship, it comes (pardon the pun) down to male ignorance and ego.

The ignorance factor is simple and almost forgivable. No one hands a young man a manual on making love with a woman. Most of what a 20 year old male knows, he has culled from stag films, Playboy and equally ignorant friends. Basically, “Get erection, have sex, woman is elated, man goes to sleep.” And you know what? That works for the male part of the equation. I’m not saying there aren’t some artistic nuances that can enhance it for a man, but arousal, act and climax are pretty basic for a guy.

Let’s see how that factors into those findings in 1999. “Frigid”: I can tell you that any man is going to get a cold reception if the emotional part of the puzzle is not intact for a woman. We need to feel connected, wanted, desired, romanced. If a woman has been struggling with three children, a household and a dog with diarrhea all day, sex is not exactly at the top of her To Do List. If there has been a fight, we do not consider sex a band-aid as do men. The rift needs repaired, closeness resumes, then we feel ready to get naked. So if a woman isn’t wanting her man? That man had better take a closer look at the emotional landscape surrounding him.

Lack of orgasm: Julia Roberts said it best to Dennis Quaid in Something To Talk About, “I have orgasms everyday. I’ve just gotten used to having them when you’re not in the room!” We women are amazing creatures, gentlemen. We can have more of them and more often than you! But without a partner who cares enough to excite us and find out what excites us, the chances of us having an orgasm like you’ve seen in those stellar porn movies is about as likely as youactually appearing in a porn movie. The majority of our stimulation happens on the outside, not the inside. So a man can be sporting a summer sausage and still leave us unfulfilled, or a guy can be the owner of a gherkin and send us to the moon with hands, lips, etc.

And while we are talking about excitement, that leads us right into “vaginal dryness, discomfort.” That wonderful wetness that makes it better for both of you? It cannot happen without some foreplay, kissing, touching, AROUSAL, or a tube of Astroglide. (Not that the two are mutually exclusive.) The bottom line is this: If we are not aroused, we are not ready. Simple.

Now, while I heap most of this at the naked feet of the males in society, I am also aware that women are guilty of perpetuating the cycle of sexual frustration. If we would only open our mouths more (get your mind out of the gutter for a moment, please), ask for what we want and teach our partner how to make us feel great, that 43% would drop dramatically. In fact, we would all be so busy having great sex, there would be no one to talk to for another study!

Sadly, women are still caught in a web of protecting the male ego from all harm. Granted we all are at our most vulnerable when we are buck naked with another person, but there is nothing to be gained from faking an orgasm, ladies. It only makes your man think he has done something right, and men being men, they will follow that pattern again and again because they are under the impression it works. So stop waiting for your Oscar and open your mouth. (You may now reenter the gutter.)

Again, I knew all this back in 1999. Heck, we females knew this back in 1899. However, it is always nice to see your knowledge validated, as it was today when a new Kinsey report came out and stated, “…the best predictors of a woman’s sexual satisfaction are her general emotional well-being and her emotional relationship with her partner.”

And that percentage? Dropped to below 25%, the majority suffering from medically treatable dysfunction issues.

Oh, how exciting it is to be right. Make that a BIG OH!

The post A “Stimulating” Study appeared first on Just Laugh.

“What?!?!?!?” exclaimed one alarmed gentleman after reading said survey. “No, no, no…leave it to a woman to omit the most important part of the whole story!” spoke Bill Spacely with a rage of fury and confusion.

Diving further into the story, the shocking truth was brought to light. “Just because we’re old doesn’t mean that we don’t like a little action here and there,” explained one James McFly, 65, “but let’s face the facts – these women aren’t exactly drop-dead supermodels anymore, now are they? Have you taken a look at these chicks lately??? I mean ‘Woof!'”

“Don’t get me wrong,” said 52-year-old Eddie Carson, “I still love the art of, well, making love, just as much as I did thirty years ago, but old wrinkle-bags over there just ain’t doin’ it for me anymore! Sure, she’s got the libido of a college girl, but she’s got the face of Martha Washington…and not on one of her good days, either. I mean, come on – give me something to work with here…” he muttered on, shaking his head as he walked away…

Among the men that took this survey, 96% would like to justify their previous votes with one final statement, “Oh yes, we still want to have sex – more than ever, just not with you. Nothing personal…”

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When I discovered the female orgasm, it was like tasting chocolate candy for the first time in my life.  I wanted to save all my money and head down to the five and dime to get a piece every weekend.  I never knew a woman could feel THAT.  It was so great I wondered if it was illegal.  However, except for the occasional public celebrity display arrests we’ve read about, I hadn’t heard of anyone going to jail for enjoying an orgasm.  Apparently the law is on our side concerning this issue.

As time went on I had fantasies, which were probably brought on by the big ‘Tantra’ movement, of really becoming ONE with my guy.  He would feel everything I was feeling, I would feel everything he was feeling and somewhere in the middle we would inhabit each other’s very soul.

These days, if I have an orgasm – fine, if I don’t – fine.  I still enjoy sex but it’s kind of like my favorite candy bar.  I have to actually hand pick the candy bar and then there’s the whole business of unwrapping it and then chewing.  With so much physical labor involved, it doesn’t bother me if I go without chocolate for a day or ten.  And then, even if it’s only bite size, that’s OK.  Sometimes a quick nibble is all you need.  It satisfies the craving and no one is over-exerted.

As a woman who is supposed to be in the peak of her sexuality, sometimes I just feel peaked-out.  It would be nice if, like a face-lift, we could have an inner-lift.  But somehow I don’t think a nip and tuck will do the trick.  And as for the female version of Viagra, I’m too lazy to get up and go get some.

So, at least these days, with work running out my ears, housework building up underneath my toes and scurrying from east to west while my body seems to be heading south, I feel like the little old lady from the medical alert commercial.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

This is how I am feeling lately due to exhaustion.  In a couple of weeks, who knows?  I may spring forward and have a Madonna moment.  However, if this happens, I’ll be keeping that Hershey’s Kiss all to myself and write about something like…dog food.  How much is too much?

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