The post Things With Eyes – St. Patrick appeared first on Just Laugh.

Reported chants of “Woo!!! Luck of the Irish, bitches…” have since devolved into unrecognizable groaning as millions of hungover Americans not even remotely of Irish descent called in to work sick or otherwise incapacitated due to their overwhelming expression of non-existent Celtic pride.

Despite most non-Irish celebrants making complete fools of themselves and/or requiring the assistance of actual Irish people to walk straight at the end of the night, polls show that Americans wasted on cheap, green beer overall deemed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities to be a rousing success and eagerly await being able to proudly represent the heritage that they don’t even come close to having in pretty much exactly same dangerously intoxicated manner next year.

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“I shouldn’t even be doing this interview,” said Chicago Environmental Engineer Chip Avrey, “but you know what – fuck it. They have no idea how to stop that river from turning green every year and believe you me, money has been spent trying to figure this thing out!”

“People just think that it’s a holiday thing, and we’ve been lucky that it always seems to coincide with St. Paddy’s day so everybody just has another green beer and doesn’t question it.”

“Thank god people learned a long time ago never to swim or fish out of that cesspool or we’d have a whole lot of dead Chicagoans on our hands…”

The post Fungal Outbreak Erupts in Chicago River Once Again to Conveniently Coincide with St. Patrick’s Day appeared first on Just Laugh.

It’s no secret that I happen to have this thing for gambling, and seeing as how most folks automatically associate gambling with luck, that’ll probably be as good of a place to start as any, don’t you think? I actually started gambling officially during my late teens…because it typically threw the cashier off guard enough that she would end up forgetting to card me for cigarettes! (Public Service Announcement – I’ve since quit, kids. Smoking is bad, stay in school!) Those little scratch-off cards are obviously what attracted me to gambling in the first place because I was always just one Liberty Bell away from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Of course, now I know that everyone is always just lacking that one Liberty Bell that would allow them to lose the day job working the fry hopper and move to a schnazzy neighborhood in the hills where everyone eats the most disgusting exotic cheeses and employs entire Mexican families just to ensure that they’ll never have to lift a finger. Mind you, the most I’ve ever personally won from one of these tickets is $12, so we all know who’s still doingmy laundry for the time being…

<insert chauvinistic joke here>

As I grew older and eventually surpassed the legal drinking age, however, the scenery changed and I was introduced to the wonderful world that is casino gambling. Yes, the bright lights, the James Bond look-a-like dealers, the scantily-clad waitresses willing to submit to your every desire…assuming that there’ll be a 30% tip involved – all the flash and style that the casino-dwelling stereotype bears valiantly and I’ve gotten to experience exactly none of it! You forget – I live in Northern Michigan, where seldom is heard a titillating word and the old people are trying to shut down our casinos every other day. You know, it’s something to the tune of preserving our quiet, majestic neighborhood, even though this area is among the fastest growing in the state…but gambling brings crime and addiction and cancer of the lower spleen, so we don’t like it…and no, you can’t have your ball back, either – play on your own damn property! Of course, that, my friends, is another column, so let’s talk about the happier side of gambling!

Anyways, our casinos found up North here are rather meek when compared to the glittery, surrealistic pirate ships, medieval castles, and life-size pyramids that Vegas has to offer, but this, of course, certainly doesn’t stop us Michigandersfrom flushing away our hard-earned quarters on a bi-weekly basis. Nope, I think it’s safe to say that us common folk up here don’t need flashy neon signs or musical, dancing fountains or showgirls to persuade us in the ways of the one-armed bandit; we’ve already got all we need for a good time – a desire to win millions of dollars so that we can move away to a tropical paradise, at least one weekend off each month, and most importantly, lots and lots of cold, draft beer on tap! Pay attention to that last one because it plays quite the role here in just a minute…

What I love about casino gambling more than just about any other activity in the world that allows me the chance to make thousands of dollars and pick-up adequate-looking chicks, all while drinking a martini, is that no matter howabsolutely dirt poor the house leaves me at the end of the night, it will have no bearing whatsoever as to whether or not I’ll be coming back in the future! And why is this? I was feeling a bit off tonight…I wasn’t really in the mood to become a millionaire yet anyways…it was hard for me to concentrate on the game, what with Grandma’s funeral this afternoon and all…but next time is going to be different! Of course, we all know that next time really isn’t going to be any different and that chances are we’re probably going to end up leaving even more broke than last time, but at least we had a good time, right? Honestly, with the way the economy’s been going lately and all, twenty or thirty bucks for a few hours of good, old-fashioned false hope isn’t such a bad deal anyways! No need to sell me – my mind was already made up even before I dropped my last quarter in the machine…

And so was yours – there’s really no point in denying it anymore – you can drop the excuses already! As much as we’d like to believe that there are other things that we could be spending our money on, there aren’t or we’d have already spent it. Casino gambling brings us closer together because it allows the young and old to enjoy the common interest of throwing away scads of money in vain, yet brief and well catered, attempts at a better life. Outside the casino walls, social and bureaucratic issues stress us on a daily basis, but while within the provocative charms of the ever-lingering jackpot bells and whistles, we find ourselves quite remarkably overwhelmed by a sense of peace as we are no longer judged by the color of our skin or the quality of our work, but only by the credit limit on our bank accounts. Everyone around us, or at least the people on the machines on either side of us, shares our wins and losses alike, all the while basking in the always-open luminescence that is the hope created by casino gambling. If we keep this up, gambling could very well become the next American past time…

…at least then we’d have one that we’d actually be able to stay awake through for a change!

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