“The budget for the Department of Defense ends the depletion of our military and pursues peace through strength,” said the White House, failing to account that the United States already spends more than the next eight largest countries on the planet combined on its armed forces.

“No, no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on…” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in a rambling manner that would have gotten him points docked had he been speaking in a high school debate competition and not representing the President of the United States on the world’s stage.

“I think that is a matter that’s best left to the states,” Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos said in relation to regulations guaranteeing education to students with disabilities, but can just as easily be expanded to also include the entire administration of the inept, handsy billionaire who jokingly selected her to lead the nation with regards to education in the first place.

As the incoming Trump administration continues to make its best efforts to dismantle most roles of the federal government by deprioritizing healthcare, education, scientific research, environmental protections, support for the arts, renewable energy, mass transit, affordable housing, childhood literacy, clean drinking water, international diplomacy, after-school snacks for kids and meals for the elderly, humanitarian aid, public broadcasting, and god knows how many other genuinely worthwhile uses of taxpayer funding, it ultimately raises the question of whether the role of the president itself should be a government function or would serve better as a power returned to the hands of the individual states.

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“What we’re proposing to do with our roads and highways is frankly what we should’ve done with this whole transgender situation in the first place,” explained Dan Bishop, the state representative who sponsored the original bill. “Because let me be clear – it’s not that we don’t want these ‘transgenders’ to use the bathroom, we just simply want them to do it over there.”

“Away from everybody else, you know, who uses the bathroom normally.”

“And that’s why we’re coming together today to propose this historic upgrade to North Carolina’s highway system – an impressive 79,328 miles today – and together, we’re going to make it double that to ensure equality so that transgender drivers can drive their cars wherever they want, just like us regular drivers can.”

The highway overhaul is expected to take thirty years and cost taxpayer’s roughly $1.2 trillion, and will literally pave the way for future equality projects planned by North Carolina’s state congress including a special transgender-oriented electronic tolling system for the new highways as well as Separate But Equal Free Hotdog Days during the North Carolina Tar Heels 2016 baseball season.

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