“We cannot let Killary Clowncar steal this election,” shouted Donald Trump at a rally Tuesday evening in Palm Beach City, Florida, “so I need to see every last one of you at the polls on Rocktober 14th to vote for me – Donald Klump, err, I mean Trump.”

The following day at Lakeland Linder Regional Airport in Lakeland, Florida, Trump’s urgings continued, “If you all don’t go out and vote for Trump on Obamavember 29th, the Rebel Alliance will assume absolute control over the Republic and all hope will be lost…”

On his lunch break that afternoon, Trump was later observed explaining to a non-voting statue of an oversized ornamental swan the importance for all creatures big and small to turn out for him on Bell Biv DeVoember 3rd to cast their votes for Master of the Universe.

The post Trump Encourages Voters to Get Out and Hit the Polls on Blorgtember 287th appeared first on Just Laugh.

“You know how it is – Daylight Savings Time!” Barnes joked half-heartedly with one employee as he casually poured himself a cup of coffee in the break room while numerous others silently rolled their eyes behind his back.

“I don’t even know why we still have Daylight Savings Time – I’m not a farmer!” the manager exclaimed loudly as the overused punchline to the same joke that veteran employees have heard him tell twice a year for the last six years.

“Greg is … an idiot,” explained warehouse foreman Ralph Green as he quickly filled his own mug before heading back out to resume his job. “I don’t think that he really gets how Daylight Saving Time works, but at least twice a year it keeps him out of everybody else’s hair for an extra hour, so we’ve all made a vow never to explain it to him.”

Green added quietly with a grin, “We had a kid working here a few years ago – sharp kid – somehow convinced Greg that because of the moon or some shit, Daylight Saving Time would be observed a record seven times one summer!”

“That was a nice summer. I think the kid went on to go work at IBM or something…”

The post Man Blames Tardiness on the Wrong Daylight Saving Time appeared first on Just Laugh.

It’s not complicated – you drive to the store, walk through the parking lot, go inside and buy your crap, then walk back out to your car and drive home.

So why do I always seem to encounter people who are on the most leisurely strolls of their lives when all I want to do is park my own car and grab a frozen pizza so that I can come home and watch Shark Tank?! Each and every one of them came here in a car, too, so why the big shock when someone else wants them to move it along so that they can park and do the exact same thing that everybody visiting that store has come there to do?!?!?!

Myself, I have a system that I use when I’m walking through a parking lot – I call it my “Get the fuck out of the way…” system, and it goes a little something like this…

• Step #1 – Get the fuck out of the way when there are cars coming!!!

I’m really not sure where the confusion is – your average person weighs about 185 pounds, whereas the average motor vehicle weighs upwards of 4,000 pounds! Those fancy, white or yellow lines on the pavement put up a nice show, but when you find yourself faced with the business end of a 2010 Honda Insight because you’re literally walking at half a snail’s pace, zigzagging your way back and forth to ensure that cars in both directions don’t have a Pop-Tart’s prayer of passing you and what is apparently the most cumbersome shopping cart on the planet – your puny crosswalk won’t save you now, human!

Let’s just be honest here – nobody wants to go to the grocery store. Or at least most of us don’t want to go to the grocery store. Hell, if Amazon Prime delivered groceries, it’d be even one more reason less to ever leave my house, but because milk doesn’t grow on trees, I have to go to the store, and I just need you to get the fuck out of my way so that I can park my car, get my crap, and get back to the isolated safety of my own home that I’m not really crazy about leaving in the first place.

Don’t talk on the phone.

Don’t go back over your receipt.

Just walk the hundred feet to your own goddamn car as quickly as possible so the rest of us can go about our day.

And for fuck’s sake while you’re at it, put your stupid cart back in the cart corral where it belongs like all of the other civilized adults manage to do, too…

The post Hey! I’m Driving Here!!! appeared first on Just Laugh.

I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future.

Bill Gates will give me $5,000 for forwarding this e-mail.

Soon cell phone numbers will be released for telemarketing unless all individuals register with the National Do Not Call List.

The truth is, 99.7% of the stupid things you read on the Internet aren’t even close to being true, but just in case you’re one of those idiots who still just isn’t quite sure, here’s a list of some other arguably believable hoaxes that in all reality are absolutely fucking false as well…

• Unless you recite the preamble to the constitution each morning in the shower, one illegal immigrant will be given a green card – no questions asked.
• A Chinese restaurant in New York City has a popular program where residents can earn a free pint of General Tso’s Chicken for each stray cat that they collect off the streets.
• Bill Gates actually uses Gmail instead of Hotmail, and has offered one lucky winner $1,000,000 if they can guess his e-mail address. Google’s mail servers are spammed with hundreds of thousands of messages a day of incorrect guesses.
• President Obama spends one weekend each month collecting guns from citizens of small, midwestern towns, however if you give him the secret handshake when you answer the door, he’ll give you one of his guns instead.
• Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg earns $1 every time that anything is posted on Facebook, however he drops ten cents into the Like jar on his desk for every time that a user clicks that little thumbs up.
• Prayers are diligently requested for billionaire Paul Allen, who currently worries nightly that his latest yacht – a 584-foot behemoth called The Titan – may not be completed in time for the 2016 Mediterranean sailing season.
• Chili peppers of different varieties actually have conflicting food personalities, and if you eat several all at the same time, your mouth will actually taste cool and refreshing instead of hot and spicy as the peppers compete with each other for dominance.
• Despite what manufacturers will tell you, modern smart phones have a unique gender that they are built with at the factory. The gender of your phone will determine things such as battery life, data retention, and level of disgust when you use it to look at porn in the restroom at work.

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“I didn’t git no free colege and I turnd out jut fine,” cited Bill Wilson of Bumfuck, Arkansas. “Bee sides – whooz gunna pay fer all of dat free schulz?! He ain’t raisin my taxes – this ain’t communist Russia!”

“…yet…”

When suggested that easier access to higher education could help improve the quality of life for Americans across the board by raising the nation’s standards for education and working to create a more highly skilled workforce to drive economic growth, lifetime Fuckall, Tennessee resident Hillary Gicks simply shook her head and laughed between sips from the jug of moonshine in her hands, “That Obummer just wants to ruin evrythung here in ‘Merica that makes uz great.”

“If yu wanna go to colege – that’z fine. If yoo wants to makez moonshine outta yur bathing tub – that’z fine, too.”

“But I’mma not let no commie socalist Presudent raise my taxes to pays for it all!”

The post Dumb Americans Terrified of President’s Proposal for Even More People Smarter Than Them appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I really DON’T know a whole lot about running our country, The United States of America,” Bush began, “but does it really matter, anyways?! It’s not like I actually run this place all by myself, now do I? That’s what all of these guys are for…” he continued, motioning to his hand-picked cabinet behind him. “Without these guys, it’d just be like another trip through my Dad’s legis…legisa…errr, legislation all over again!”

“Hey, wait a minute!” George Bush Sr. countered, until realizing that he was even invited to this press conference and was dragged away by security.

“It’s all a matter of image, technically…” explained Chief White House Correspondent of Hairy Situations Michael Helmstrung, “…because even though the American people like to belief that their fate lies in the hands of one single, self-sufficient leader, let’s be realistic here! Democracy is all about the people having choices and as neat-o as our law system sounds on paper, it just doesn’t happen when you’ve got one guy up there calling all of the shots.”

“It’s just easier having a dumb guy playing the role of the leader of the free world, that’s all,” continued Jane Dickson, Chief Financial Aide in Charge of Internal Affairs. “It’s actually something that we’ve been wanting to do for a while, that is – putting somebody of such incredible ignorance in such a high position of power within our corporation…errr, government. We actually tried to get the ball rolling a few years ago, but the guy that we had picked out was a little, shall we say ‘distracted’? Needless to say, that kind of managed to cover itself up, but I think we’ve got a really good thing going this time and with another four-year-reign…errr, I mean election, just around the corner, things can only get better!”

When asked for one final comment about the allegations that he was merely a puppet in the hands of several large corporations, President Bush told us, “What’s wrong with that – I love puppets! That Kermit the Frog, he really cracks me up, always running away from that silly little pig. It just doesn’t get any better than that! Did I tell you that I actually got to meet Kermit and some of his friends last Christmas? Oh, that was the best holiday at Mom and Dad’s house EVER!”

We bet it was, Georgey. We bet it was…

The post President Bush Finally Admits to Not Having the Slightest Clue About Running the Country appeared first on Just Laugh.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe teachers should be allowed to paddle children. Regardless of the liability issues, no one else should be allowed to spank another parent’s child. But it seems that one teacher is taking the alternative too far.

She’s suing a 13-year-old student for running into her.

According to a March 29 story in the Camden (New Jersey) Courier-Post (Official Motto: What the #&*@! are you lookin’ at?!), second-grade teacher Eileen Blau is suing Daniel Allen because he “negligently and carelessly” collided with her at an “excessive rate of speed” on April 11, 2001.

Daniel was 11 years old at the time, and weighed about 90 pounds.

Blau says the injuries cost her money for medical care, and curtailed her normal activities. She claims to have suffered “severe and multiple injuries, some of which are permanent in nature.”

News reports did not describe Blau’s personal injuries or say what her normal activities involved, but if she goes around suing little kids, one might assume it involves broomsticks and boiling cauldrons. I could be wrong though.

According to Daniel’s mom, Stacy Allen, the school’s principal assured her the incident was accidental. Daniel was running to catch the school bus to go home. He told reporters that he had cried in the principal’s office the following day when he found out Blau was hurt.

“I’m sorry I ran into her,” Daniel said. “I don’t think she should be suing me. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. It was an accident.”

Stacy also said Blau had filed a claim with the Allen’s insurance company for her injuries in the fall of 2001, several months after the incident. She also said her insurance company said the claim had not been settled.

Stacy said she never told her son about what Blau had done with the insurance company, or the claims she made. However, that all came to an end when a Camden County sheriff’s deputy served Daniel with a summons on a Wednesday morning.

I can’t blame Blau entirely. I’d be pretty upset if I were injured, and my my medical bills had gone unpaid for two years. However, I wouldn’t sue a 13-year-old kid over it, I’d go after the insurance company. What does she get if he wins? His Pokemon cards and the Victoria’s Secret catalog collection hidden under his mattress?

While students will think nothing of suing teachers over poor grades, class rankings, or failure to make the cheerleading squad, the idea of teachers suing students is completely new. Steven Baker, a spokesman for the 162,000 member New Jersey Education Association, said “I’ve never heard of a situation like this before. I assume it is quite uncommon.”

“I think it’s terrible that a teacher can sue a student,” said Stacy. “Maybe he should not have been running in the hall, but I think it was an accident. When you send a kid off to school, you expect him to be supervised and taken care of. You never expect a teacher to sue a child for running into her.”

So who’s fault is this? Sure, Daniel is to blame because he was running when he shouldn’t have, but it wasn’t intentional. That’s why they’re called “accidents.”

But shouldn’t Blau shoulder some of the burden? Like being aware of her surroundings, and knowing she was on a collision course with a 90-pound dynamo who frequently travels at “an excessive rate of speed?” Or maybe she should have used her authority and not allowed kids to run in the halls in the first place? Or did this happen outside, where kids usually run, and never worry about plowing into each other, let alone a lawsuit-happy educator? If that’s the case, she shouldn’t be surprised this even happened.

Regardless, Blau was someone who dedicated herself to shaping the lives of young children, and now she has decided to sue them instead. If anything, I think Blau should be ashamed for bringing a lawsuit, and should receive a swift and harsh punishment for it.

Like writing “I will not sue young children” on the blackboard 5000 times.

The post An Alternative to Corporal Punishment appeared first on Just Laugh.

Last year, Goddard (who lived in Rockford, Illinois at the time) and David Winkleman, of Davenport, Iowa, sued the owners of a Quad Cities radio station after the two friends tattooed the 93.5 KORB logo on their foreheads.

However, it seems the promotion that caused the two men to mark themselves for life was actually a practical joke.

“We’re tattooed, we’re angry and we’re suing,” they told reporters. Okay, so it’s not as catchy as “We’re queer, we’re here, get used to it!” but it could become a rallying cry for the chronically stupid — assuming anyone else is stupid enough to put a tattoo on their forehead.

The incident occurred in 2000 when disc jockey Ben Stone offered backstage passes and concert tickets to anyone who put a temporary “93 Rock” tattoo on their forehead. He then offered $150,000 paid over five years to anyone who had the station’s logo permanently tattooed on their forehead.

So Goddard and Winkleman, being mental giants with great foresight and long-range vision, did just that. Winkleman says he called Goddard and the two men made plans to get KORB’s logo plastered on their forehead.

Of course, Winkleman was no dummy. He first called the radio station to make sure the offer was legitimate. When someone assured him that, yes we will give you $150,000 if you put our full-color logo on your head permanently so everyone can see it until the day you die, I’ll bet he thought he was going to live the rest of his life on Easy Street.

I guess you have to get up pretty early to fool David Winkleman.

But wait, things didn’t go according to plan! Not only did the station not pay either man the money they were promised, they were both fired from their jobs the following day. And since that fateful day in November, 2000, neither man has been able to find work ever since.

Now I’ve seen lots of people with tattoos, numerous painful piercings and intentional disfigurements (like those earrings that create holes the size of dimes — what’s THAT all about?), but I’ll never understand why someone would 1) put a tattoo on their forehead, or 2) wear a tattoo of a radio station that is now guaranteed to become a Barry Manilow cover tunes station.

I can only imagine the decision-making process the two must have used.

Goddard: –static– $150,000 –static– Tattoo –static– Forehead –static static–

Winkleman: Uhhhhhh…

However, Stone and KORB’s owners, Cumulus Broadcasting, say the whole thing was a practical joke. As a Cumulus Broadcasting spokesman told reporters, “There was never any intention of paying money…(t)he idea was simply that persons who responded to the announcement would be publicly scorned and ridiculed for their greed and lack of common sense.”

Understandably, Goddard and Winkleman dispute that. “We were listening to (Stone’s) radio show one day, when he announced that anyone willing to have the station’s logo permanently tattooed on their foreheads would be awarded $30,000 a year for life.”

That’s why the two poster children for common sense are filing a $300,000 lawsuit.

Hmm, let’s see $300,000 divided by $30,000 per year is…10 years! And if you split that between the two of them, reduce that to $15,000 per year. Either Goddard and Winkleman believe that they can somehow live out the rest of their lives on $150,000 each, or they frequently do such moronic things that 10 years is an optimistic estimate of their own life spans.

Although recent updates on this case haven’t explained what’s going on with David Winkleman, it seems that Goddard’s situation has gone from bad to worse.

Understandably, Goddard’s life has gone into the toilet, as he is most likely known as “That Tattoo Guy” around the Quad Cities. So he’s taken to complaining constantly about it to his roommates, John and Mary Rushman.

Apparently the two became so fed up with his incessant whining, griping, and threats of suicide over the situation he created for himself, they decided to help him out.

According to the Moline (Illinois) Dispatch, the couple tied a noose around Goddard’s neck and tried hanging him from a ceiling beam. When he struggled, they beat him in the face with a ball-peen hammer. Police were called to the scene, and the Rushmans were arrested and charged with aggravated assault. Goddard was taken to the hospital and released two days later from an area hospital.

You have to feel bad for Goddard though. Now, instead of being know as That Tattoo Guy, the astute citizens of the Quad Cities will refer to him as Hammertime.

But I’ll always think of him as the moron who should have just gotten “Idiot Inside” tattooed on his head.

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