He’s actually the leader of the Catholic Church and God’s second in command, and this week his Grand Papalness has traveled all the way from his home high upon Mount Olympus to bestow upon those of us humble Americans who foolishly believe in his shenanigans the true path towards righteousness and free blessings and all sorts of shit like that.

Luckily, our crack staff managed to stumble upon the Pope’s official itinerary while he’s visiting the United States, so if you think our last Pope visit was a wild time, look what Pope Francis has in store for his very first trip to the humbly sacrilegious US of A…

• Remind 98% of American Christians that they’re completely out of touch with actual teachings of the Bible
• Highly anticipated appearance at the Texas 47th Annual Giant Hat Festival
• Meet Taylor Swift, but avoid getting written into one of her songs
• Blah blah … Holy Spirit … yada yada…
• Old Navy 40% Off Sale
• Sit through no more than 2.5 hours of denouncements from Republican Congressmen who don’t even wear pointy hats at all
• Smuggle in no less than 70,000 Syrian refugees, mostly under his gigantic Pope hat
• Maybe stop off for a Slurpee if they have time

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• 1850 – Millard Fillmore was sworn in as the 13th President of the United States, who still holds the honor of the President with the Weirdest Name to this day.
• 1890 – Wyoming became the 44th state in the United States. Coincidentally, to date only 44 people have ever visited Wyoming.
• 1892 – The first concrete-paved street was built in Bellefountaine, Ohio, which was almost immediately overrun by the kids and their damn skateboards.
• 1938 – Aviator Howard Hughes made his record flight around the world in only 91 hours, riding in a cramped airplane with mediocre snacks that set the standard for the subpar commercial aviation that we enjoy today.
• 1962 – A U.S. Patent was issued to Nils Bohlin for the three-point seatbelt, thus putting to shame Edward Claghorn – patent-holder for the two-point seatbelt.
• 1965 – (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction became the Rolling Stones’ first #1 hit in the USA, though controversy arose when it became known that frontrunner Mick Jagger still wasn’t satisfied and critics suggested that he simply had unrealistic expectations.
• 1966 – Orbiter 1 launched to the Moon … or did it???
• 1985 – In the backlash of its “New Coke” promotion, Coca-Cola announced that it was bringing back the original Coke recipe, to the delight of cocaine-enthusiasts everywhere.

Today’s Birthdays

• 1509 – John Calvin, the theologian behind Calvinism, which is kind of vain but whatever…
• 1856 – Nikola Tesla, the inventor of those cool lightning balls you played with in science class, among other things.
• 1882 – Ima Hogg, founder of the Houston Symphony under what we can only assume was a fake name.
• 1947 – Arlo Gutherie, the American songwriter who wrote Alice’s Restaurant, which is still on its 2,794th verse since you started playing it last Thanksgiving.

Today’s Deaths

• 983 – Pope Benedict VI, sixth generation Eggs Benedict creator and white pointy hat enthusiast.
• 1584 – William the Silent, ruler of the Principality of Orange who was ultimately assassinated in his home, with his last words noted to have been “…”

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“About 2,000 traffic enforcers who will be on duty during the 15-19 January papal visit will be required to wear adult diapers, the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority chairman, Francis Tolentino, said.

Tolentino also encouraged people who will wait for hours to see the pope to also wear diapers.”

(via The Guardian)

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After watching his native brethren dominate the industry for years and years, the Pope himself has finally decided to throw his own holy hat into the ring with a new line of active wear that has believers reeling with anticipation. Appropriately titled “Pope Tracks,” the new collection created by His Holiness features a full array of jogging gear, exercise suits, and warm-ups designed with the truly active religious enthusiast in mind.

“You would think that the man has enough on his hands already, what with being God’s chosen spokesman of all mankind and whatnot,” said Molly McMasters, a close, personal friend of the Pope, “but we have a saying around here – ‘The Pope works in mysterious ways…’ and that’s just what you’ve got in this case.” Nonetheless, McMasters declined to comment when asked if she would be purchasing any of the Pope’s items for herself.

“It’s just something that I’ve always wanted to do,” the Pope himself told Just Laugh in an exclusive interview. “You know, like climbing Mount Everest or having sex with an actual woman – I finally decided that I’m certainly not getting any younger, so what the hell!” He continued to explain that, “…and with all of the turmoil that the world faces today, I think it’s my duty to influence their lives in a positive manner, whatever it takes – prayers, sermons, or yes, even a collection of quality apparel for the sacramental athletic enthusiast, available at an affordable price wherever fine clothing is sold.”

While the Pope wasn’t able to predict whether or not his entrepreneurial ventures would continue on to other product lines, it is rumored that, pending the success of his new active wear, we could be finding such labeled items as seraphic running shoes, catching gloves, and even a special “Divine Pope Edition Wheaties” box collection, featuring the his Holiness in a variety of action poses. With this kind of merchandising, all that’s left will be the action figures themselves (not due to hit stores until Christmas 2004…)!

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