See – that’s what you get for taking advice from a humor website!

If there’s one thing that any man who’s been in a relationship through Valentine’s Day can tell you, it’s that you don’t fuck around when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Sure, it’s predominantly a ladies’ holiday, but consider the things that the ladies in our lives are responsible for on a daily basis…

• making bologna sandwiches
• acquiring Girl Scout cookies
• remembering how the fondue pot works

Sure, many of them are food-related, but as the female cannibal said, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…” and the last thing a guy needs to do is give his bologna-wielding woman a reason to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on him for forgetting literally her most important day of the year!

That’s right – forget her birthday if you must, or forget your anniversary, but forget Valentine’s Day and you my friend are as good as toast.

So here’s what we’re going to do … to continue with our food theme, there are three slices of pie that make up the lovers’ holiday that falls each year on February 14th. A guy can make a lot of mistakes surrounding his honey’s celebration of Valentine’s Day as long as he respects the pie and remembers to hit on each of the following three points…

1. Acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is actually a day.
This can be done via card, via singing gorilla gram, or even by means of a chipper “Happy Valentine’s Day!” as you hand her a cup of coffee in the morning. The key is simply that it absolutely must be done within the first hours of the day or you automatically lose this slice of the pie.

2. Give her a gift.
It’s important to note here that contradictory to how much they cost, flowers do not constitute a Valentine’s Day gift. They can serve as a supplemental gift if you’re trying to score extra points by having them delivered to her job so she can gloat all day, but she’s still going to expect her real gift when she gets home. Maybe get a nice, red bow to put on it or something, too.

3. Feed her.
A lot of people go out to dinner for Valentine’s Day because dinner is a great meal all by itself and this way you get a chance to kill two birds with one stone. Bonus points if you pick her favorite restaurant, wear a tie, or don’t have to speak your order into a clown’s face. Super extra bonus points if you compliment how she looks, actually care about the things she has to say, and refrain from staring at the waitress’s chest when she brings you the check.

The truth of the matter is, Valentine’s Day isn’t hard. It just requires presence, 24 hours of your time, and about $150 as long as you don’t go crazy on the appetizers. Even if you’re an extraordinarily lazy man much like myself, you can do Valentine’s Day … even if you put it off until the last minute and honestly kind of wanted to just lay around the house playing video games tomorrow anyways.

Remember, a year’s worth of bologna sandwiches are riding on this one day – just don’t fuck it up too bad and on Sunday you can totally go back to coasting through this relationship in the manner to which you’ve grown accustomed.

The other 364 days of the year are yours – for Valentine’s Day, give the bologna vixen in your life what she deserves…

The post How to Disappoint Your Woman in Three Easy Steps… appeared first on Just Laugh.

In which Rhett and Link discuss romantic gift ideas purchased exclusively from the dollar store…

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So how can we get in on all of that steamy action?!

• Pick a good safe word so that your partner knows when things are getting a little too intense – something like Alligator, or Hotdog, or Please Please Please Stop Okay Maybe Just One More.
• Remember that a ball-gag can be a good thing to have around the house not only for kinky sex, but even just when that person locked in your basement won’t pipe down and you need some peace and quiet.
• In one classic scene, Christian Grey blindfolds his submissive girlfriend Ana, but the kink doesn’t have to stop there! Bring an extra blindfold so that both of you can fantasize about the sex you’d rather be having – it’s a win-win!!!
• If your lover happens to call out for Mr. Grey in the thralls of passion, just roll with it, however if she shouts for Colonel Mustard instead, you may want to keep an eye out for that lead pipe stashed behind the headboard.
• Know that a good spanking is one where your wooden spoon breaks, the dog hides in the closet, and your wife calls her mother the next day to apologize for breaking that antique vase her grandmother brought back from China when she was nine years old.
• Although bondage can be a little scary for beginners, just remember that it’s perfectly safe as long as your partner is a mysterious billionaire who gives you little reason to trust him other than the desperate acceptance that you’ve never quite felt before.
• Take care not to leave any embarrassing marks on your partner that can’t be covered up with a turtleneck for work the next day; emotional scars are the best because those won’t show themselves again for years!
• And lastly, as a general rule sex is always better if your lover owns a helicopter. You can pick one up on eBay and it’s so much quicker than actually learning how to be more intimate with your partner, plus even when you’re not having sex, you still own a helicopter!

The post How to Make Your Valentine’s Day 50 Shades of Fun! appeared first on Just Laugh.

…yet…

Ok, so if you want to be in a relationship of any sort on this particular planet, you’re going to have to play the Valentine’s game, but there’s still plenty of time for procrastinating and putting off all of your romantic preparations until the last possible minute! Here are some great tips to help you focus on not focusing on Valentine’s Day before the timing is almost, but not actually too late…

• If your spouse or significant other brings up the question of Valentine’s Day plans, plug your fingers in your ears and sing, “La la la…” until they briskly change the subject.
• Alternatively, just give them a big wink and say, “It’s a surprise!” even though at that point it’ll be just as much of a surprise to you as it’s going to be to them.
• Whenever you find yourself passing the heart-shaped candy boxes at the store, just buy some for yourself instead. As they say, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and I don’t know about you, but I love me some Reese’s Peanut Butter Hearts!
• Wear a burlap sack to bed to keep your mind in the right place until you’re good and ready to be romantic.
• Remember that the freshest rose you can get your love is the one you pick out of your neighbor’s garden just before walking through the door. Much cheaper, too!
• Use this time to catch up on your DVR recordings. There was some big football game on just this last weekend – might still be worth checking out!
• Above all else, keep in mind The Mantra of the Lazy Man – never upstage future you! There are plenty of adequate Valentine’s Day dates that can be planned an hour in advance, tops – outdo yourself today and you’ll only have yourself to blame for Valentine’s Days in the years to come. A walk in the park segues to a picnic segues to awkward sex in the back of your Kia Sorento … it was simple, it only cost you $20 in deli meats and some sides, and you’re good to go for another year!

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Putting Off Valentine’s Day Until the Last Minute appeared first on Just Laugh.

I admit it, I am not the easiest person to shop for. Since the age of four when I lambasted my mother for buying me the 24 count box of Crayolas instead of the designer, neon, 64 count with built in sharpener, shopping for me has been a challenge. As I grew, I made holiday shopping easier for my loved ones by providing them with not only a detailed description of my desires, but the store address where they could be purchased and the SKU number on the price tag. And while it did not allow for many surprises — wait, there was that year when they gave me a Gift Certificate for Gas Struts for my car — it did insure both a happy giver and a satisfied receiver.

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, I have probably been the hardest person to shop for…until this year that is. This year I know exactly what I want. Flowers? Candy? Jewelry? Not even close. Flowers die within a week. I’d rather receive a bouquet of dollar bills. Heart shaped boxes of candy always contain at least twenty pieces I squish open in search of caramel, only to be disappointed by nondescript nougat. And jewelry? Sorry, but that diamond tiara just doesn’t go with my Mommy wardrobe of sweatpants and that Hope diamond necklace would just get in the way when I wash the dishes.

No, this year I want the pinnacle of pampering. This year I want the mother of all indulgences. This year I want to boldly go where no man in his right mind would want to go. This year I want a trip to the new Chocolate Spa in Hershey, Pennsylvania!

If you have not heard about this place, pull up a Reese’s Cup and I’ll fill you in. Nestled, no, not Nestle’d, nestled in the hills of Pennsylvania is the town of Hershey. Birthplace of a chocolate conglomerate and home of a glorious lodge and entertainment mecca, they have now pushed the boundaries of cocoa. A complete Spa dedicated to the aromas, the sensual pleasures and believe it or not, the therapeutic benefits of chocolate.

Therapeutic? Yes, we all know how therapeutic a handful of Kisses can be in the midst of a PMS meltdown, but did you know that soaking in a Whipped Chocolate Bath can moisturize your skin and relieve stress? What about a Chocolate Fondue Wrap to release toxins or Chocolate Mud Hydrotherapy to stimulate and rejuvenate? Personally, I can think of nothing more decadent or divine than being slathered with chocolate mud, wrapped in silver foil and left to melt like a Kiss in the sunshine. Well, maybe a glass of cold milk and a straw…you know how chocolate makes you crave milk.

Ever since hearing about this spa I have fantasized about being a human chocolate chip. Daydreamed that I’m a marshmallow floating in a sea of hot chocolate. Envisioned myself a caramel encased in a fondue wrap. In the grocery store I actually reached out and feeling a special kinship, stroked a Kit Kat bar.

Do I think I will actually receive this incredible gift for Valentine’s Day? Of course not. Aside from being incredibly expensive, there is no way my three children will ever allow me to be surrounded by an abundance of cocoa products without their intense participation. No, this Valentine’s I shall once again make do with the homemade cards, grocery store roses and requisite Whitman’s sampler. But when they are all tucked into bed and my darling husband is watching yet another basketball game, I shall lock myself in my bathroom, fill the tub with hot water and dump in a canister of Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa.

Heck, I may even treat myself and get the kind with those dehydrated mini-marshmallows. After all, it is Valentine’s Day.

The post Forget Calgon…CHOCOLATE Take Me Away! appeared first on Just Laugh.

Take any situation and just look around you – rarely, if ever, will you see a truly equal relationship, and by that I mean one where the man and woman genuinelydeserve each other. When was the last time you saw the sweet, attractive girl walking around with the nurturing, sensitive (and gorgeously handsome) man? Unless she just happened to be there collecting her child support, I’d guess not too many! Nope, instead this beautiful doll of a woman is roaming around with the scum from the bottom of the bucket – a guy who never listens to her, maybe even knocks her around every once in a while, and basically treats her like garbage…but she hangs around anyways.

If there were any justice in the world, he’d have ended up with the woman who rarely comes home before dawn more than three days a week, drinks herself to sleep those nights that she is home, and couldn’t hold a steady job to save her life, but no, no – guess who ends up with that one?! That’s right, while the good girl is off mopping up beer and chips after her boyfriend’s rowdy poker game, the good guy sits at home watching Leno, wondering which bars his girlfriend is hitting up tonight with her own drinking buddies. Two individuals whom anyone with half a brain would think were made for one another, yet they both chose their respective paths themselves – one probably out of sheer desperation and the other, well, we don’t actually know why the other chose her path, but damn it – that’s what we’re here to try to figure out in the first place!

So that’s the question at hand – Why do perfectly decent women choose to be with jerks? I’m sure that better men have psychoanalyzed this very same question, although maybe not after as many drinks as I’ve had, so just hear me out for the next few minutes. Unfortunately, this Buddhist-like question, very similar to “Why is the Earth round?” or “Why do hotdogs come in packages of ten, while hotdog buns come in packages of eight???” simply doesn’t have one definite answer, so I’ve taken the liberty of dividing my time amongst the following three theories, each just a little bit zanier than the one before…

1. Women are Idiots

Now don’t get me wrong, men are most certainly idiots, too (Wiener-Mobile, anyone?), but for the purposes of this theory, let’s just forget everything we already know about the ignorance of the human population as a whole and focus on the fairer sex for just a moment. How does that old saying go again? “Never trust anything that shops for three days and doesn’t die…” or something like that!From the perspective of a nice, wholesome guy looking in, the entire scenario just doesn’t make any sense:

Woman wakes up and proceeds to spend countless hours primping and preparing for another night on the town.
Woman arrives at bar where she is immediately considered as prey by ever drunk and horny man within 6.2 miles.
Man approaches woman, buys her several drinks, “dances” with her and ends up taking her home at the end of the night.
Man has sex with woman…twice!
Woman, realizing that man is a complete and total scumbag, hails a cab home and cries herself to sleep that night.
Woman wakes up and proceeds to spend countless hours primping and preparing for another night on the town…

So basically the only take on this that I can manage to figure out is that in order to find a woman, one must reduce his own level down to that of a pedophilistic, drunken tree slug, and since the majority of guys that are already at this level, the ladies aren’t bright enough to keep looking until they find something a little higher up the evolutionary ladder and simply default to sleeping with whatever slithers her way. You might say that it’s not the woman’s fault if the guy’s a jerk, but if he’s a jerk, then why does she sleep with him in the first place?! I suppose it could be any combination of denial, sexual deprivation, or ever-thriving hope that there might really be an angel somewhere underneath the cutoffs and tattoos, but frankly I ain’t buying it. When all is said and done, if you can’t tell the difference between a sadistic coke-head looking for a quick screw and the man you slept with last night, you’re an idiot.They say that ignorance is bliss? Touche.

2. The Gripes of Wrath

I think that if I had to do the math, I could honestly say that out of all of the women whom I have ever known, probably all but three have taken some sort of personal joy out of complaining…bitching and moaning…playing the role as the belligerent shrew-beast…feel free to choose whichever terms strike your fancy the most. (…wait, make that four – there was that one girl back in ’98…but I somehow managed to lose her phone number…idiot!) I used to simply blame it on PMS, but after still leaving the other twenty-eight days unaccountable, I knew that there had to be another explanation…I have yet to actually find this explanation, but nevertheless it does help to lead us towards a solution for the task at hand – if a woman were to simply date a decent guy that’s right for her, she wouldn’t have anything to complain about! Yeah, I’m sure the occasional dishes or garbage or drop-dead gorgeous secretary with the dynamite ass that’s everything she’ll never be would come up, but those alone couldn’t possibly be enough to fill her daily quota so instead of risking the need to outsource the leftover reticule, it’s just easier for her to date a man whose bound to give her plenty to complain about! I know, it sounds a bit odd, but I never said that this was going to make any sense, now did I?

3. Fuck It – Who Wants Pie?

There are some mysteries of the universe that we’re just better off not knowing the answers to and as much as I hate to admit it, my friends, I think that this may very well be one of them! Sure, I could rack my brains day and night in search of the solution to eternal happiness; I could even establish monthly focus groups, gathering hundreds and hundreds of people in hopes of collectively uncovering the truth…and you thought that the Million Man March looked impressive! Nevertheless, when it’s all over we’ll still no doubt come up a day late or a dollar short, so maybe we’re simply better off skipping the small talk and jumping straight to dessert.

It would be safe to say that we could probably file this one away with the legend of the Bermuda Triangle, the secret ingredient in that cheesy-garlic bread at Red Lobster, and how The Anna Nicole Show ever made it on the air in the first place as yet another perpetually-unsolved mystery of modern society. I guess the only advice I can truly give to my fellow men on this Valentine’s Day would be that if somehow you have managed to find a woman who completely contradicts everything I’ve just covered, for God’s sake hold on to her and don’t let her out of your sight! Seriously, use ropes or chains if you have to because I’ll guarantee you that there’s a line of decent guys waiting a mile long to take advantage of the first time you drop the ball…

I know this because I’m one of them and I’m getting damn close to the front of the line by now! Just something to keep in mind…Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

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