“I think if we can all reluctantly agree on one thing,” said Joel Manby, CEO of SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment and Honorary President of the Shamu Fan Club, “it’s that these majestic creatures probably shouldn’t be kept in tanks the equivalent size of bathtubs because less than 1% of the population seems to have a problem with that.”

“It’s because of this incessant rambling, along with the ‘Free World, Not Slave World’ billboard that I’m tired of looking at on my way to work every single day, that we’re announcing this historic change to our parks’ operations by no longer breeding these animals in captivity for the education and entertainment of the masses…”

“We’re able to make this announcement,” Manby explained, “due to the persistent criticism of these dedicated activists, but even more so thanks to a team of world-renowned scientists who have challenged the impossible by eliminating our corporation’s need to physically breed these animals and replacing it with our new and unprecedented ability to clone these iconic figures that children and their parents alike have come to love, respect, and learn more about through their visits to our theme parks across the United States.”

“Are cloned animals really animals at all? I don’t know, and neither does science, so until everybody figures all of that out, we here at SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment are looking forward to exploiting this exciting, new loophole in the world of genetic manipulation as much as possible!”

“Suck on that, Blackfish,” Manby concluded to an admittedly shocked audience of fans, stockholders, and protestors alike.

No longer burdened with the ethical complications of keeping these majestic creatures in close captivity, SeaWorld cited that they plan to extensively increase Shamu’s presence across their parks as soon as science allows with an intriguing array of new shows, guest interactions, and merchandising opportunities to maximize this curious advance in scientific progress for entertainment and educational purposes.

As early as 2018, guests can expect to see a veritable explosion of new orca encounters at SeaWorld including even more daring and unethical whale shows than ever, the opportunity to dine on cloned orca steaks at Sharks Underwater Grill and other park restaurants, and possibly even the chance to take home their very own miniaturized killer whales if science can figure out how to make the smaller orcas resistant to cuddling and bubble baths.

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…is a whale landing on two humans.

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