The air is electric, the Johnsonville Brats are plump and delicious as always, and the women are off shopping for shoes or something as we boys gather around to watch such greats as the Miami Tornados, the Los Angeles Browncoats, and even the legendary New Delaware Chickenhawks fight tooth and nail in a no holds barred death match that is destined to make widows and orphans out of 72 of the 73 teams in this year’s sportsmanship armageddon.

Even though you’re no idiot and know to refrain from watching football for at least one hour after you’ve eaten jello and/or pudding-based desserts, here are some things to keep in mind to ensure that each and every Tuesday you spend from now until April 22nd is The Best Tuesday Night Ever…

• Be aware that if your excitement for football lasts more than four hours, you should contact a medical professional immediately.
• Don’t spend too long wondering why it’s called a football when only one guy on the entire team ever touches the ball with his feet – it’s not like there’s any other sports that do it better anyways.
• Remember your scoring – a field goal is 3 points, a 3-pointer is 37 points, and a grand slam is a delicious way to begin your day at Denny’s.
• Fun Fact: Football players wear mouth guards and helmets to prevent unwelcome embraces out on the field.
• Fun Food Fact: Tuna noodle casserole is the Official Noodle-Based Casserole of the National Football League.
• A common method of engaging in small talk with co-workers the day after Tuesday Night Football is by discussing the incredible skill shown by the cheerleaders in between plays – try it and see for yourself!
• Any person you ever see on TV painted head-to-toe in his team’s colors is a paid actor because no self-respecting human being would ever do that to himself.
• Most sports fans consider their favorite team to be a very personal decision, so don’t be a dick about it if they don’t want to tell you, alright?

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Tuesday Night Football appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I guess it has something to do with soccer,” explained writer and Totino’s Pizza Rolls enthusiast Scott Sevener before going back to doing pretty much anything he could come up with that was even remotely more interesting than soccer, which turned out to be just about everything.

The post Writer Does Slightest Amount of Research to Figure Out What FIFA Is appeared first on Just Laugh.

“Maybe everyone is just running late,” suggested Seahawks General Manager John Schneider as he looked out onto an otherwise empty stadium devoid of anything but hotdog and souvenir vendors who had taken to buying each other’s goods just to make themselves feel better. “I know that traffic was pretty bad out there on the 101 for me – they’re probably all just stuck in traffic, is my guess…”

When asked what would happen if the 60,000+ fans expected to attend the night’s game didn’t pull through, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell commented, “I think we might just let the boys go out there and play anyways – they’ve really been looking forward to this, and they got all dressed up for it and everything.”

“Maybe somebody will still watch us on TV,” Patriots quarterback Tom Brady offered to his team as they sat in their locker room considering their options. “I heard some of the commercials were supposed to be pretty funny this year…”

The post No One Shows Up for Super Bowl XLIX appeared first on Just Laugh.

The post This is beautiful – Tom Brady sure does love his balls. appeared first on Just Laugh.

Well this clears everything up!

The post Breaking open the deflate-gate debate… appeared first on Just Laugh.

“It’s a condition that often gets swept under the rug due to its, errr, sensitive nature,” explained Chief of Urology Davison Adderly, “but 1 in 11 men over the age of 30 in the United States suffer from deflated balls. It’s a horribly painful condition, as the name implies … the testicles, much like the footballs that Tom Brady throws and catches, become increasingly soft, kind of like a bag of grapes that get forgotten in the back of the refrigerator for far too long…”

“And as you would expect,” Dr. Adderly continued, “as the genitals lose their firmness, they become incredibly painful – it’s a pain that worsens until eventually the balls, I mean, testicles collapse on themselves altogether, thus rendering them useless and requiring immediate surgery to eliminate the constant agony felt by the man.”

When asked why there aren’t more campaigns to spread awareness about deflated balls, Dr. Adderly told us, “Although softened testicles aren’t exactly at the top of discussion topics among most men, we’re looking forward to using this incident with the Patriots to let as many people know about the medical effects of deflated balls that we can.”

“Remember when you’re watching the big game this weekend, there’s a good chance that two of the 22 men out there on that field have deflated balls.”

“Well, three if you count the one being tossed around by Tom Brady. Go Seahawks!”

The post Deflated Balls Actually a Serious Medical Condition appeared first on Just Laugh.

Now before you sports nuts get all excited, don’t go thinking that this is going to end up being a column full of facts and figures about the wonderful world of outdoor activities because I’ve worked too hard at keeping such intellectual details out of my writing this far to just blow it all on some silly game! That aside, however, even I have to admit that it was simply a phenomenal performance…if you happened to be watching from Tampa Bay’s point of view! I’ve heard Oakland’s display, however, referred to as nightmarish, comparable to Pee-Wee football, and of course, the kind of performance we’ve come to expect…out of the Buccaneers, that is! Some may view this turn of the tables as a long-overdue win for the underdogs, others as simply a hole in the wall of their not-so-easily repairable egos, but I see it as yet another aching reminder that the sporting scene just ain’t what it used to be…

You got it – this is going to be one of those reminiscent columns, so hold onto your hats and other similarly-fashioned headwear. Now granted, I’m sure you’re all well aware by now that I’m not exactly a huge sports fan – I don’t feel the need to justify sitting around drinking beer all weekend by watching a bunch of overpaid oafs hobble around on my TV all afternoon, but enough about theLifetime Channel for Women, we were talking about sports, right? I lost what little interest I did have in the spectatorship of such physical activities years ago when I noticed that there simply weren’t any cool people out there on the field anymore. It was as if I had flipped over to Nickelodeon for a minute and when I came back, all of my heroes were gone and there was no longer any point of watching!

I don’t know about you, but what made them really stick in my head as legends were the cards – do they even have sports cards around anymore? It wasn’t so much that I collected them because I had watched them on TV, I watched them on TV because I had collected their cards…and I figured that it might be a neat idea to find out what this whole sporting-thing was that made them so famous in the first place! Now I couldn’t even begin to contemplate just how much of my parents’ money was invested into this particular craze (…with hopes of my taking an actual interest in sports and spending some time outside once in a while…), but from the boxes upon boxes that I’ve had to save from countless garage sales and random spring cleanings, I might be so bold to say that maybe we could’veafforded the wall-to-wall carpeting in the neighborhood tree-fort if my friends and I had been able to cut down our addictions by a few packs a week…

Nonetheless, I had all the greats – Joe Montana of the San Francisco 49ers,Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions, Dan Marino of the Miami Dolphins, and of course, the king of the kings himself – r. Bo Jackson of the Los Angeles Raiders!For those of you who just happened to be living under various rocks during the late 80’s, Bo Knew Sports (…and Pottery and Fishing Lures and Cheesecake – you name it!), having been the first athlete to play in the All-Star game of two separate sports (both baseball and football), and the man even starred in his very own Saturday morning cartoon show – The Pro Stars – what’s cooler than that?! Sadly, Bo was forced into retirement in 1991 after a hip-injury during the Raiders’ playoff game with the Cincinnati Bengals, but his spirit lives on in the MVP sections of our card collections and through the posters on our walls.

Over the next several years, we would see the rest of the great ones quietly making their final exits from the field, only assuming that a new, worthwhile generation would be ready and waiting to step up to the plate and continue the tradition, but if they did make an advance, I certainly wasn’t paying enough attention to see it by then! The last hopes for a healthy and active lifestyle diminished quickly as I soon discovered video games, comic books, and all of the geekier elements of your average teenage life, and my previously sportsmen-dominated list of personal heroes was replaced by one consisting of the likes ofSpider-Man, The Fantastic Four, and The Super Mario Brothers. That’s right – the large and all-knowing black man that had held the inspiration to all of my dreams in the past was dethroned by a pair of fictional, Italian plumbers…fictional, I tell you!!!

Although it would seem to me that the obvious solution would be to get some exceptionally cool dudes out on the playing fields again, I know deep in my heart that it just isn’t that easy, or feasible. No matter how cool it might be to see Neo from The Matrix running touchdowns for the New York Giants or even Ozzy Osbourne cheering on the sidelines at the next Super Bowl, we all know that you can’t restore such fame by simply throwing celebrities at it left and right – anyone remember Woodstock ’99? Legends aren’t born in a day, but they can certainly disappear overnight – I don’t know exactly what this means now, but when a new travesty comes along that’s big and bold enough to knock Anna Nicole out of the spotlight, don’t say that you weren’t warned…

The post Bucs Win the Super Bowl, Hell Freezes Over, and Other Astonishing Tales… appeared first on Just Laugh.