Already it’s been over two weeks since Ammon Bundy and his band of merry mercenaries valiantly stormed the headquarters of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on a holiday weekend toting plenty of semi-automatic weapons, but not nearly enough beef jerky, and weighing a particularly passive, old country desire by the Sheriff of Mayberry himself to keep things peaceful, God only knows how long this impromptu camping trip will be allowed to carry on in violation of federal law.

So are you ready to pack your rucksack and claim a piece of land back from Uncle Sam as your very own?!

• For starters, be sure to pick some federal property so far off the beaten track, it’ll be a real pain to even come negotiate with you when the FBI finally gets word of your antics. The more elk and raccoons in the vicinity, the better.
• Remember that much like good dental hygiene and non-camouflaged clothes, paved roads are your enemy.
• You don’t know how long you’re going to be out there, so be sure to bring along plenty of guns and ammo. As long as you’re white. In fact, only if you’re white.
• Don’t worry if you forget to bring important supplies like food and water and things that aren’t guns. Other morons from around the country will mail you that stuff via the US Postal Service, and for some reason you’ll still get mail delivery even though it’s supposed to be the government that you’re protesting.
• Also don’t worry if you forget to bring other recreational novelties such as double-ended dildos and ridiculous-sized buckets of lube because, well, other people on the Internet are bound to take advantage of that mail delivery you’re still receiving, too!
• When settling in for the night as temperatures in the middle of nowhere creep into the single digits, be sure to cuddle your fellow patriots in a heat-retaining ball of man flesh that will not only keep you toasty all night long, but will also serve to prepare you for federal prison once law enforcement finally comes to their senses. If you’ve still got leftover lube, put it to use to ensure a snug fit!
• In between all of the media interviews trying to explain your little campout, take some time to enjoy the fresh air and the wildlife and your generous collection of dildos, and thank God for bringing every last one of those dildos into your life during this time of need.
• Don’t fuck with the raccoons, no matter how much she looks like your cousin after a night of heavy drinking.

But trust me about the dildos…

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Squatting on Federal Property appeared first on Just Laugh.

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Sure, chainsaws are among the manliest of tools, whether you’re trimming back zombies on your lawn or sharks falling out of the sky or whatever, but this week’s purchase of said chainsaw wasn’t for anything even mildly amusing like that. In fact, I purchased my chainsaw this week – from Lowe’s Home Improvement for $99 – because I have some trees to trim around my yard and apparently just staring menacingly at them like I have been for the last three weeks just isn’t going to cut it.

I’m sure that owning a chainsaw recreationally would be kind of fun, but having a set task that I have to do … that my friendly neighborhood Homeowner’s Association would really like me to do … just sort of bleeds all of the fun out of it, so instead of visions of me running maniacally through the yard, taunting all of the neighbor kids who dared to defy keeping off of my lawn, all I see are those stupid trees that grow bigger and bigger every year…

No matter how much I cut, they just keep growing.

Trees are stupid like that.

The chainsaw that I bought came with an instruction manual – that’s another way you can tell that I didn’t buy it for man points. Besides, if there’s one thing that I’ve learned as I’m growing older, it’s that I like both of my arms and a good way to keep your arms intact is to actually read the instructions when you buy an electric saw capable of cutting through them like butter at 10,000 rpms!

There were a lot of pictures in it anyways, so it really wasn’t that big of a sacrifice.

Unfortunately now that I more or less know how my new electric dismemberment machine is supposed to work, the next step is for me to actually go outside and use the thing, which means a combination of both putting on pants and getting up off the couch – neither of which I’m particularly a fan of. Not to mention lately the summer weather here in Florida has been a cross between blazing inferno and tropical tsunami, so it goes without saying that I’m not exactly amped to leave my perfectly air conditioned couch and wade through five inches of sweat to trim a couple of trees that I don’t like anyways in order to please some faceless organization that sent me a letter stating if I don’t trim my trees, they’re going to continue sending me politely-worded letters asking me to trim my trees until they have to come and cut them down themselves just to harvest the wood to make more paper to send me more letters!

In a way, it makes me reminiscent for the days when I didn’t own a chainsaw to call my own, so when I looked out the window and thought, “Wow, those trees could sure stand to be trimmed!” I could grimly tack on at the end, “…if only I had a chainsaw…” and everyone listening would think that I genuinely cared before going back to playing video games and everything else in my life that didn’t include such demeaning yard work.

But alas, that ship has sailed now and here I stand – a man with a chainsaw, desperately hoping that it will continue raining like the second coming of Noah’s Ark so that I can put off my chainsaw pruning a while long, despite the irony that such water is only going to make my photosynthesizing adversaries grow even more ferociously, each week towering higher and higher until one day I’ve got a Jack and the Beanstalk situation happening in my yard that’s really going to tick my HOA off!

Stupid trees.

The post I Now Own a Chainsaw appeared first on Just Laugh.

School is out and people are flocking to your neck of the woods with their sweaty, delicious flesh ripe for the pickings, so there’s no time like the present for diving headfirst into that human smorgasbord and chowing down like Uncle Lester at the family’s annual summer picnic.

Here are some tick tips that we’ve put together to help make this summer’s feast your bloodiest brunch ever…

• With family outings at the beach and even some who dare to stay the night, state parks offer a great variety of dining options to satisfy everyone eager tastebuds!
• Hikers like to think that they’re all smart with their bug sprays and their tall socks, but they often forget that ticks are expert tree climbers, too – if at first you don’t succeed, try dive bombing ’em from above.
• Toddlers are like the veal of humans – a definite thirst quencher on a hot summer’s day.
• Don’t be afraid to hop from human to human until you find a flavor you really like. You’d be shocked to know what some of these things put in their bodies, so when you’re looking to build a family yourself the last thing you need is to be putting garbage in!
• Luckily, many humans even once you get them outdoors are mostly a sedentary bunch, so don’t put in more work than you have to chasing them down – it’s only a matter of time before they stop for a break or a nap, and that’s when you make your move.
• Don’t be too quick to brush off their furry companions, either! Though dogs and cats are often times more mobile and alert than their human owners, their fur makes for a great hiding place … plus, you get a free ride out of it, too!!!

Whether you’re the kind of tick that has the same thing for dinner every single night or maybe you like to change things up with the flavor of the week, there’s really no time like summertime for the blood-sucking parasites that you are to really get out there and enjoy preying off your unsuspecting hosts like never before!

This is your summer, now go suck the best of it!!!

The post Just Laugh’s Guide to Being a Tick appeared first on Just Laugh.

“You know, Mike has a slightly faster pace than I do,” Chamberlin explained during a periodic trail break to enjoy the majestic views across Chattahoochee National Forest, “so I’m used to normally hiking a ways behind him. But it didn’t even dawn on me until it was too late that his diet for this trip has been composed of mostly beans and rice, which although they apparently give him all of the energy he needs also contribute a certain byproduct that…”

“…well…”

“Let’s just say that I cannot wait to get to the other side of these mountains so that those god-awful farts of his are finally blowing back on him for a change.”

The post Second Hiker Regrets Hiking Downwind of First Hiker appeared first on Just Laugh.

I mean, I can appreciate that they at least went to the length of typing up a sign and all, but really, what kind of market can there be for misspelled things at slightly discounted prices???

(via Boing Boing)

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