Such items include:

• (1) Gold Statue with Exceptionally Large Ears – $1.2M
• (36) Ornately Carved Onyx Tea Spoons – $57,000
• (12) Copies of the 1997 Walt Disney Pictures Hit Air Bud on DVD – $125
• (2) Tickets to See DJ Snake This Weekend at the Echostage – $80

“Everything in my department has a purpose,” Mr. Carson explained in his iconic monotonous, slumber-inducing voice, “and this beautiful, gold statue is no exception. It’s a reminder that we always need to be listening to the people – because the American people are golden.”

“Besides, you can’t even buy a decent gold statue with large ears for less than $900,000 – everybody knows that.”

Mr. Carson then casually put his feet up on the table to reveal a pair of exorbitant, gold slippers upon his feet, to which he commented upon our noticing, “These beautiful, gold slippers are a reminder that it’s time for me to take a nap. It’s time for all of us to take a nap now…”

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“Literally every person in America loves me except for the mainstream media,” explained President Trump calmly and rationally. “They love what I’m doing to the environment, they love how I refused to share my personal tax returns while also lowering taxes extensively for fellow billionaires, and they showed it by making every appearance that I’ve hosted since my election the most attended events in the history of this great nation.”

“I don’t know who else has to say it,” the disheartened Trump continued. “Fox News reports on it every day, Wikileaks has posted their groundbreaking espionage about it … even Alex Jones of Infowars agrees, ‘Trump didn’t collude…’ – end of story!”

“I mean, Alex Jones also thinks that there are aliens living in the basement of the White House who I bowl with every Thursday night after Hannity, but he’s spot on about the no collusion thing. SPOT ON.”

“I wish that I had more friends like Fox & Friends – that gang really provides honest and respectable news coverage, and the women on there … WOW … let’s just say that if they didn’t all have sexual harassment suits against their former employer, I might be dating them!” the President joked about the subject that spiked a major political movement in the previous year under his administration.

“So here’s what I’m gonna do,” he finally alluded, “people love puppies.”

“They love ’em!”

“Puppies are a $14 billion industry in America, and I just bought an entire case of them because starting today, whenever somebody accuses me of ‘colluding with the Russians to ruin America,’ I’m going to get up from my desk in the Oval Office, and I’m going to go outside and punt a puppy across the South Lawn.”

“Would you like that, Democrats – your President kicking puppies across the White House lawn because you don’t want to stop spreading fake news about how I occasionally like to sit next to Vladimir Putin for a nice steam and talk to him in detail about his hopes and aspirations for the world???”

“Because it’s going to happen,” Trump said, looking directly into the camera with a fierce sigh, “and I think everyone who loves puppies in this country will agree that Donald Trump didn’t ever collude with the Russians about nothing.”

“But go ahead and keeping saying that I did if you hate puppies,” the President challenged. “I’ve got a whole box of these things and you’ll be surprised at the distance I can get out of one of them when Pence stands one up like a football for me.”

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“For far too long,” State Senator and Republican Majority Leader Wilton Simpson explained, “our men’s rooms have been the victim of unsanitary attacks by the most immature among us. The urinal – once a classic symbol of male authority – has now been desecrated by these heathens who quite literally soil its name by attempting to step up to one of these facilities and make use without truly understanding the rights and responsibilities of using a men’s room urinal…”

“It’s because of this injustice,” Republican Senator Tom Lee continued, “that we’re proposing the great State of Florida to adopt age restrictions for access to the urinals in men’s rooms from coast to coast.”

“Under our proposal, young men under the age of 21 will no longer be allowed use of these facilities until such a time that they’ve been able to be safely and properly trained on their use. An exception will be made for anyone over the age of 18 who is actively enrolled in our armed forces.”

“In addition to these new age laws,” explained Republican Senator Dennis Baxley, “we’re also discussing a number of other options to improve the overall safety in our men’s rooms, including mandatory retraining classes, liability flood insurance, and possibly staging armed veteran urinators at men’s rooms across the state to validate compliance.”

“We want to send a very clear message to any young man who pisses all over the walls of our men’s rooms when he clearly needs to be sitting down until he learns to control himself,” reiterated Senator Simpson. “Don’t piss us off, boys, or we’ll knock you in the nuts so hard you’ll be sittin’ down to pee for the rest of your goddamned life.”

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“The budget for the Department of Defense ends the depletion of our military and pursues peace through strength,” said the White House, failing to account that the United States already spends more than the next eight largest countries on the planet combined on its armed forces.

“No, no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on…” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in a rambling manner that would have gotten him points docked had he been speaking in a high school debate competition and not representing the President of the United States on the world’s stage.

“I think that is a matter that’s best left to the states,” Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos said in relation to regulations guaranteeing education to students with disabilities, but can just as easily be expanded to also include the entire administration of the inept, handsy billionaire who jokingly selected her to lead the nation with regards to education in the first place.

As the incoming Trump administration continues to make its best efforts to dismantle most roles of the federal government by deprioritizing healthcare, education, scientific research, environmental protections, support for the arts, renewable energy, mass transit, affordable housing, childhood literacy, clean drinking water, international diplomacy, after-school snacks for kids and meals for the elderly, humanitarian aid, public broadcasting, and god knows how many other genuinely worthwhile uses of taxpayer funding, it ultimately raises the question of whether the role of the president itself should be a government function or would serve better as a power returned to the hands of the individual states.

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“Look, I don’t know what all of this non-misogynistic, treating women like equal contributors bull hockey is coming from other businesses,” told a proud Kalanick as he sat wearing dirty sweatpants and flipped through a newly printed UberBlack Babes Bare All 2017 calendar with a creepily approving smile, “but here at Uber we want our female engineers – both of them – to feel comfortable when they come to work and spend 14 hours a day building whatever it is that we make around here.”

“It’s something like taxis, but sexier, right?” the man posed with a wink before mixing equal parts Red Bull and Jack Daniel’s into his coffee mug, crushing the empty can into his forehead in sync with the glass bottle shattering against the wall.

“What people don’t understand about Uber,” the CEO continued, “is that aside from our hip name and the bitchin’ halfpipe that we recently built on our campus, nobody is more dedicated to the ladies than Uber is. We want every chick who comes to our campus – the hot ones and the frumpy ones alike – to be chill with us.”

“And if they want to work with us because we’re so awesome, it never hurts to have a few extra skirts around the office too, am I right?!”

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“I looked around and I just couldn’t believe that nobody else was getting in on this deal on apricots!” Mrs. Henderson exclaimed, pointing down to the pile of fruit at the bottom of her cart in a guarded manner, lowering her voice as another eager bargain hunter passed by.

Before finally proceeding to the checkout lines that had extended into the clothing section, Henderson would also come across a coveted buy-one-get-one on Tropicana No Pulp Premium Orange Juice as well as 25% off Ritz Holiday Crackers, thus making the trip her most successful Black Friday shopping experience to date.

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“In a way it’s kind of like a reverse Hunger Games,” complained veteran turkey Al Gobble. “Out of all of us, one turkey will be pardoned by the President and sent on his merry way, and the rest of us will all be sentenced to be eaten by hordes of hungry Americans in this celebration of theirs. It’s really kind of %#^$-ed up if you think about it…”

Each year the President of the United States celebrates a few days before the Thanksgiving holiday by pardoning one lucky turkey and allowing it to live out the remainder of its days on a farm without fear of being eaten. Once this presidential tradition concludes, however, millions of the remaining turkeys are hopelessly slaughtered and stuffed with breadcrumbs to be served alongside mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce while Americans argue about their political choices before going out to stand in lines all night in search of cheap prices for Christmas gifts.

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“I know that the billions of dollars that we already profit off of our fellow Americans’ backs every year sounds like a lot, yet we’re finding that we’ve still only scratched the surface as far as capitalization on the wellbeing of humanity is concerned,” explained CEO of United ConsumerCare Frank Rapem.

“Take for example when a kid is playing outside and she scrapes her knee, and she runs indoors for her mother to put a band-aid on it and kiss it to make it better – right now America’s health insurance industry doesn’t make a dime from that boo-boo!”

“Or maybe a guy is doing his taxes and gets a paper cut,” the greedy vulture continued, shaking his head in rabid disappointment.

“Nothing … until now…”

“For far too long,” continued Chief Revenue Extraction Officer of WellCareCo Janet Carealot, “these minor bumps and scratches have been taking place by the millions across our country without benefiting the various healthcare entities that make America great, however through some exciting new initiatives that we’ll be leveraging between our network of providers and the nation’s moms, Americans can be sure that the care they’ll receive from the slightest scratch all the way up to the largest tumor will be treated with the same profit margins and utter disregard for compassion that our customers have come to expect from our insurers.”

Following a presentation that outlined the industry’s plans to monetize this new arena of minor healthcare where their presence is all but unnecessary, estimates showed that consumer co-pays for issues like scuffed knees and bruised elbows could be as affordable as $15 – $45 depending on the age of the children, with more serious minor injuries such as bloody lips and mosquito bites around $150 per incident once the applicable deductibles have been met.

A five-year strategy outlined the goal of making minor injury coverage mandatory with all medical insurance policies by 2018, with unauthorized band-aid distribution and wellness kisses subject to fines and potentially jail time, pending future legislation.

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“Jasmine, Tony – I’m not gonna tell you again!” shouted Jamie Mayville, 37, as she watched nervously while her five and eight year-old children ran playfully around the backyard, occasionally jumping off of the pile of truck tires against the back fence to come dangerously close to brushing the moon with their own fingers.

“These kids today,” Mayville briefly explained, “they don’t know when to just let something be – the Internet teaches ’em that!”

Despite reassurances that the moon was still some 221,000 miles away and that touching it was veritably impossible without somehow growing freakishly long arms, fifteen minutes later the mother nervously rushed her children inside and instructed them to watch Honey Boo Boo on television until it was time for bed – just to be safe.

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“Just like humans, the specialized computers that we already employ to serve as the brains for our driverless vehicles always seem to have a little extra bandwidth to spare – or at least they think that they do – so we figured why not put those computing cycles to use just like countless drivers recklessly do today by teaching our cars to send text messages while they’re supposed to be focused on the hazards of the road,” pitched Lead Unsafety Engineer Anthony Cayley.

“By diverting a small amount of processing power from the sophisticated sensors that detect other vehicles and potential road obstructions, our cars will be able to send hundreds of mistyped and often times uninformative text messages to other vehicles every second,” boasted Multitasking Developer Yi Leong.

The technology giant noted that it already has even more exciting innovations in its autonomous pipeline, including a self-driving car that also makes french fries at the same time as well as an entire line of self-operating tow trucks.

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