WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – After a flurry of frustrated tweets insisting that he couldn’t even spell the word “collusion,” much less be involved with whatever it’s supposed to be, President Donald Trump took to announcing a more focused approach to persuade the nation that it was time to move on from blaming him for soliciting help from the noble communists of the Russian Federation to aid in his election and overall demoralization of the United States.
“Literally every person in America loves me except for the mainstream media,” explained President Trump calmly and rationally. “They love what I’m doing to the environment, they love how I refused to share my personal tax returns while also lowering taxes extensively for fellow billionaires, and they showed it by making every appearance that I’ve hosted since my election the most attended events in the history of this great nation.”
“I don’t know who else has to say it,” the disheartened Trump continued. “Fox News reports on it every day, Wikileaks has posted their groundbreaking espionage about it … even Alex Jones of Infowars agrees, ‘Trump didn’t collude…’ – end of story!”
“I mean, Alex Jones also thinks that there are aliens living in the basement of the White House who I bowl with every Thursday night after Hannity, but he’s spot on about the no collusion thing. SPOT ON.”
“I wish that I had more friends like Fox & Friends – that gang really provides honest and respectable news coverage, and the women on there … WOW … let’s just say that if they didn’t all have sexual harassment suits against their former employer, I might be dating them!” the President joked about the subject that spiked a major political movement in the previous year under his administration.
“So here’s what I’m gonna do,” he finally alluded, “people love puppies.”
“They love ’em!”
“Puppies are a $14 billion industry in America, and I just bought an entire case of them because starting today, whenever somebody accuses me of ‘colluding with the Russians to ruin America,’ I’m going to get up from my desk in the Oval Office, and I’m going to go outside and punt a puppy across the South Lawn.”
“Would you like that, Democrats – your President kicking puppies across the White House lawn because you don’t want to stop spreading fake news about how I occasionally like to sit next to Vladimir Putin for a nice steam and talk to him in detail about his hopes and aspirations for the world???”
“Because it’s going to happen,” Trump said, looking directly into the camera with a fierce sigh, “and I think everyone who loves puppies in this country will agree that Donald Trump didn’t ever collude with the Russians about nothing.”
“But go ahead and keeping saying that I did if you hate puppies,” the President challenged. “I’ve got a whole box of these things and you’ll be surprised at the distance I can get out of one of them when Pence stands one up like a football for me.”