Crazy Conservative Spotlight

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If you’re currently a Republican candidate for President, front-runner Donald Trump is certainly giving you a run for your money!

Let me repeat that.

Of all the Republican Presidential candidates, Donald the Hairpiece Trump is currently the most popular candidate.

FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

And granted, I think that we can all agree that he’s also by far the most craziest candidate, but maybe that’s what you need to stand out in this crazy, gay-marrying, majestic-lion-hunting, McDonald’s-serving-breakfast-all-day-y’ing world we live in today! Thankfully, if the name of the game is to out crazy Donald Trump, then we’re just the folks to ask for some ideas that each of the candidates can use to make themselves stand out here in 2015…

• Jeb Bush – Announce transition to Jen Bush, as most spell checkers suggest when typing his name anyways.
• Chris Christie – Eat one donut for each GOP Presidential Candidate who’s thrown their hat into the ring so far, otherwise known to Chris Christie simply as eating breakfast.
• Dr. Ben Carson – Pull off his rubber mask and dramatically reveal that he’s really just Herman Cain in disguise.
• Rand Paul – Also change his name to Jen Bush, or Roger Paul, or Bernie Cleaver, or whatever, because Rand sounds like the name of a cyborg, not an actual human being.
• Ted Cruz – Just don’t talk.
• Mike Huckabee – Cage fight to the death with his buddy Chuck Norris.
• Rick Perry – Try wearing a slightly larger hat.
• Marco Rubio – Make all of his public appearances with a bald eagle perched on his shoulder, but never acknowledge it at all.
• Scott Walker – Conduct his usual day buried up to his neck in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
• Rick Santorum – Attend one of Dan Savage’s crazy, gay sex orgies and just admit it already.