TALLAHASSEE (Just Laugh) – Amid tense discussions around the possibility of gun control legislation in response to the recent mass shooting that left 17 dead at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, state lawmakers are surprising constituents with legislation that, while they admit is far from the gun control debate, is nonetheless a bipartisan issue that both sides can rally around to show that Florida’s legislature is fully capable of addressing serious issues despite recent tragedy.
“For far too long,” State Senator and Republican Majority Leader Wilton Simpson explained, “our men’s rooms have been the victim of unsanitary attacks by the most immature among us. The urinal – once a classic symbol of male authority – has now been desecrated by these heathens who quite literally soil its name by attempting to step up to one of these facilities and make use without truly understanding the rights and responsibilities of using a men’s room urinal…”
“It’s because of this injustice,” Republican Senator Tom Lee continued, “that we’re proposing the great State of Florida to adopt age restrictions for access to the urinals in men’s rooms from coast to coast.”
“Under our proposal, young men under the age of 21 will no longer be allowed use of these facilities until such a time that they’ve been able to be safely and properly trained on their use. An exception will be made for anyone over the age of 18 who is actively enrolled in our armed forces.”
“In addition to these new age laws,” explained Republican Senator Dennis Baxley, “we’re also discussing a number of other options to improve the overall safety in our men’s rooms, including mandatory retraining classes, liability flood insurance, and possibly staging armed veteran urinators at men’s rooms across the state to validate compliance.”
“We want to send a very clear message to any young man who pisses all over the walls of our men’s rooms when he clearly needs to be sitting down until he learns to control himself,” reiterated Senator Simpson. “Don’t piss us off, boys, or we’ll knock you in the nuts so hard you’ll be sittin’ down to pee for the rest of your goddamned life.”