Humor Blog Highlights

A Brief History of Jesus and the Easter Bunny

© BrunoWeltmann / Adobe Stock

For today’s service we turn to The Book of Scott, Patron Saint of Fart Jokes, chapter 4:14 – Funnious Bunnious, for this very special Easter edition of The Humor Column – paraphrased for your reading pleasure, and also to help keep you from falling asleep during church like you usually do…

Everyone knows that you do it, Frank – you can’t snore like a goddamn buzzsaw during communion and not expect anyone to notice. Show a little respect!

Of course, Easter is a big time for Christians because second only to getting Christmas presents and being born and whatnot, we know with great certainty that Jesus loved hunting for Easter eggs. For it’s been said that nothing put a smile on that kid’s face quite like hopping out of bed on Easter morning and scurrying down the hall to find that the Easter Bunny had paid a visit to God’s kingdom, hiding brightly colored eggs filled with chocolates and a giant Easter basket overflowing with goodies for young Jesus to find…

Being an only child because his half brothers spent holidays with their mom, God tended to spoil Jesus something fierce because he was the kind of parent to love his boy through things instead of emotions. And that was perfectly fine with Jesus because it scored him all sorts of sweet presents like PlayStation games and Pokémon cards, and one year when he did particularly well on his report card, his father even let him get a bunny for Easter … though he quickly regretted it and turned the bunny into chocolate upon realizing just how much real bunnies poop all over the place!

Granted, it wasn’t all rainbows and jellybeans for Jesus growing up.

One not so good Friday, Jesus had a bit of a run in with some of the townsfolk and they roughed him up pretty bad, as angry mobs are wont to do. They forced him to wear this pointy hat and dragged him through the mud, and it really sucked the life out of poor Jesus … but as we all know, Jesus was never one to take a challenge laying down and only a few days later he was up and running again, some would even say filled with more life than ever.

Other years little Jesus faced similar hardships, like the one where his mother insisted on him wearing an Easter bonnet “just for a few photos” and then made him keep it on even longer because her sister was coming over and she thought it would be cute, despite looking absolutely ridiculous to anyone capable of free thought.

Still, he always looked forward to Easter dinner and had quite the fondness for lamb and roast ham, which kind of makes sense seeing that he was born in a barn and all. Jesus was sure to steer clear of the deviled eggs, though, as well as that weird green jelly thing with the fruit floating in it that everyone’s aunt always makes and then harasses everybody about never eating…

Yes, Easter was a magical time for young Jesus, filled with chocolate eggs and marshmallow peeps, and unnaturally pastel rabbits and Reese’s Pieces cleverly arranged in the shape of carrots, and if he was really lucky, some years Easter would fall in line on the calendar with spring break so he would get an extra long vacation from school culminating with presents and chocolate galore – can’t argue with that!

So this weekend while you’re hunting for those brightly colored eggs and dining on that glorious roast pig, take a moment to think of the little boy Jesus and the brief moment in time where he had a pet rabbit.

The good word is that he named him Sir Poops-a-Lot and fed him a diet of cream soda and jelly beans, but that – my sleepy churchgoers – is a tale for another day…

About Scott Sevener (580 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.