It seems that diseases aren’t really important unless they can be referred to in the acronym form…like SARS, AIDS, or STDs. When you get an STD, you know you’re in trouble.

If you have an STD, you can forget your whole dating life. You might as well wrap your genitals in a ziploc bag because you won’t be needing those anytime soon. Just wrap them up and put them in the freezer and hope that you can use them at a later date. And later on, your friends would come over and look in your freezer for food.

“What’s this?” Joe would ask inspecting the ziploc bag.

“Oh, those are my genitals.”

“You keep your genitals in a ziploc bag?”

“Yeah, they were burning and itching too much.”

And after that dialogue, Joe would shake the bag to see if it’s sealed properly. And I would reply that it was, because the stripe is now purple.

But you can’t blame people for STDs though. You have to blame society on that one. Society has inundated us with so much sex. Everywhere you look, it’s sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. You can’t get away from it.

Society is to blame for all the sex in the world. They throw it at you on television (we have a show that’s called, Are you hot?), they throw it at you in magazines (Maxim, FHM, etc.), the Internet (one word – porn)…so much so that, now, my mind automatically thinks of sex no matter what I look at.

I’m driving down the highway and I see a sign that reads, “Please slow down, my mommy works here.” All I’m thinking is, your mommy works on the street? What is she, a prostitute? I’m thinking, “Where is she? I have $50 bucks.”

Everything we see is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Because as the saying goes, “Sex sells.”

I read an article about a company called Vibelet.com that developed software called Purring Kitty, in which you can download into your phone, the same way you can download ring tones into your phone. This software allows your phone to convert into an adult sex toy. It uses the vibration feature on your phone and turns it into a high speed vibrator. (Note: It only works with Nokia phones, so you can’t ‘Just Phone Joan’ yet.)

This is your phone. I’d hate to hear the voice mail on this one. “I can’t come to my phone right now, but I can cum to my phone right now.”

It gives a new meaning to the term, “phone sex.” And how much does this phone call cost per minute?

You just mention the word ‘sex’ and my mind gets disoriented. A friend of mine is having a baby and she says, “We don’t know what the sex is yet…”

I yell, “Oh my God! Sex, I got to get out of here!”

There should be a watchdog group for “too much sex advertising.” Why not? We seem to have a group for everything anyway…like PETA, the animal rights activists… Do we really need people telling us to not treat animals that way?

Animal rights activist?

I’m an animal wrongs activist. I just go up to people and say, “You can’t put that sweater on that dog, that’s not cute, and You can’t have sex with that sheep, that’s not cute.”

So to reduce the overbearing sex that society throws at me, I have to go to the strip clubs. I love the strip clubs because there’s nothing more exhilarating than waking up with a smile, knowing that you’re broke and you smell like watermelon.

So if in fact, sex does sell, I just bought it for a $10.00 admission, six dollar-dances, and two private dances.

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In today’s sue first, ask questions later-society, not a day goes by without lamebrain court cases taking the stands by the dozen, most of which are, believe it or not, settled out of court with absurd quantities of cash. Probably the most frightening of it all, however, is the utter bizarre nature of the cases themselves – point and case: I made up two of the three instances listed above, but I dare you to try and identify the one that actually did happen! The cases get dumber and dumber, yet the cash flowing out of the law offices from our largest corporations certainly isn’t getting any smaller either, which just leads me to wonder ifignorance truly does pay off in the end…

For most of us, the whole concept of these baffling lawsuits first came to light back in 1992 when an elderly woman decided that McDonald’s was responsible for her clumsiness after she spilled a cup of hot coffee on her groin and received third-degree burns which required eight days of hospitalization and skin grafting to remedy. Of course, since then the fast food industry has become a haven for idiot savants in search of a free ride – Burger King and Arby’s have both dealt with dissatisfied customers recently, ranging from allergy conflictions to one gentleman’s qualms about the brand of toilet-paper provided in the bathrooms. Everybody’s favorite Mexican eatery, Taco Bell, saw a particularly atrocious charge back in 1998 when a Hindu man was accidentally given a beef burrito instead of a bean burrito and proceeded to violate the sacred symbol of his religion by ingesting it with extra cheese and a spicy hot sauce, resulting in emotional distress, loss of wages, medical expenses, and even requiring him to make a special trip to England to perform the necessary cleansing rituals. And if that’s not bad enough, a mere three years later the city of Houston spent a day in court after they fired one of their ambulance drivers for making a donut stop while transporting a patient back to the emergency room. Hey, everybody is entitled to their two fifteen-minute breaks, right?

It’s always been an ongoing pet-peeve with me that people no longer feel the need to take responsibility for their actions. Thanks to the supreme idiocy of our nation’s legal system, being a uncoordinated klutz, the town nincompoop, or even simply having the mental capacities of the average rock are no longer just cheap sources of amusement for your buddies, but in fact actually quite the profitable of dysfunctions to possess – we should all be so lucky! Sure, it may hurt for a second or two as you stab that steaming-hot french fry through your eyeball, for the several-million-dollar settlement that you’ll be seeing soon enough (no pun intended…), you shouldn’t have any problems paying somebody else to do all of that pesky looking around for you!

I guess I really don’t ask that much of my fellow man these days – fill out your slips before pulling up to the ATM, don’t try to take more than ten items through the express lanes at the grocery store, and most importantly, don’t try to pawn the blame off on anybody else for your moronic mistakes. Mind you, this not only includes holding candy manufacturers and burger joints responsible when you gain three hundred pounds by eating their products and expecting compensation from your coaches in high school when you don’t play well enough to get any athletic scholarships, but also even being stupid enough to let your child screw around at the local water park after-hours and then later suing the owners after your kid falls into the ice-cold waters of the killer whale tank and dies of hypothermia. To sum things up, pretty much just don’t be an idiot –is that really too much to ask?!

Well, according to the Internet, apparently it is, but maybe you guys could at least try a little harder, alright? I know that it’s going to be tough, but just take your lawyer’s cell phone number off the speed dial, put down the hard liquor, and go watch Jenny Jones – everything’s going to be ok, I promise! And even if it isn’t, just feel free to have your lawyer call my lawyer and I’m sure we should be able to get your mental anguish from reading this column taken care of right away…just keep in mind that I am a writer, so I might not be able to pay you the entire settlement at one time. In fact, if I could just bum a couple of bucks so that I can pick up some Ramen on the way home, I’m sure that I should be able to pay you back in a week or two, tops…

And by the way, for those of you who are going to ask, my absolute favorite frivolous lawsuit that I came across while researching this column:

A Philadelphia man sues U.S. Airways for negligence, along with mental and emotional anguish, after awakening in the middle of the night still on the plane long after the rest of the passengers and crew had gone home. It seems that they had simply forgotten about him, but he claims that after assuming that the plane had crashed, he didn’t know if he was alive or dead… Unfortunately, though, only part of him was…

The post So Sue Me! appeared first on Just Laugh.

“I really DON’T know a whole lot about running our country, The United States of America,” Bush began, “but does it really matter, anyways?! It’s not like I actually run this place all by myself, now do I? That’s what all of these guys are for…” he continued, motioning to his hand-picked cabinet behind him. “Without these guys, it’d just be like another trip through my Dad’s legis…legisa…errr, legislation all over again!”

“Hey, wait a minute!” George Bush Sr. countered, until realizing that he was even invited to this press conference and was dragged away by security.

“It’s all a matter of image, technically…” explained Chief White House Correspondent of Hairy Situations Michael Helmstrung, “…because even though the American people like to belief that their fate lies in the hands of one single, self-sufficient leader, let’s be realistic here! Democracy is all about the people having choices and as neat-o as our law system sounds on paper, it just doesn’t happen when you’ve got one guy up there calling all of the shots.”

“It’s just easier having a dumb guy playing the role of the leader of the free world, that’s all,” continued Jane Dickson, Chief Financial Aide in Charge of Internal Affairs. “It’s actually something that we’ve been wanting to do for a while, that is – putting somebody of such incredible ignorance in such a high position of power within our corporation…errr, government. We actually tried to get the ball rolling a few years ago, but the guy that we had picked out was a little, shall we say ‘distracted’? Needless to say, that kind of managed to cover itself up, but I think we’ve got a really good thing going this time and with another four-year-reign…errr, I mean election, just around the corner, things can only get better!”

When asked for one final comment about the allegations that he was merely a puppet in the hands of several large corporations, President Bush told us, “What’s wrong with that – I love puppets! That Kermit the Frog, he really cracks me up, always running away from that silly little pig. It just doesn’t get any better than that! Did I tell you that I actually got to meet Kermit and some of his friends last Christmas? Oh, that was the best holiday at Mom and Dad’s house EVER!”

We bet it was, Georgey. We bet it was…

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“Once liberated, Iraqis will feel what it’s like to live in a democracy. They will be treated like Americans and have the same rights that Americans have,” said Bush as he was trying to keep up with which camera had the red light on.

The people of Iraq, however, interpret this message differently.

“What we hear is, once we find jobs, we will be laid off. Once our CEOs embezzle millions of dollars, they will get off with no penalty. And once we walk into gas stations and convenience stores, we will be greeted by white men instead of Middle Easterns. It’s too much to handle,” commented Abib ala Oxen Free, who just got denied for a Discover card and blamed his nationality as the reason.

White House officials disagree with this rational. People don’t get denied for Discover cards because they have foreign names. They get denied job promotions because of their foreign names, according to Condoleezza Rice, whose name sounds like a dish at Taco Bell.

After hearing this logic, Iraqis rejoiced and had extramarital affairs with their new secretaries. Aside from that, they filed bankruptcy and bought SUVs.

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Actions = Consequences. Simple. Even a three year old can be taught this principle and respect how it functions.

My daughters understand that should they decide to deceive, hit or steal, they in turn receive punishments that vary from time-outs to suspended privileges. If they do not do their homework, they in turn receive an “F.” If they do not bring their dirty clothes to the laundry room, they cannot expect to be wearing clean underwear for very long. And if they cannot eat a decent dinner, they most certainly cannot expect any sort of dessert.

So if this basic tenet is so simple that even our youngest citizens comply, why is it then that the adults of this world are constantly bucking this system and undermining my teachings?

Case in point: McDonald’s is being sued for making people fat.

I truly thought we had reached an all-time low in victim mentality when the old woman sued and won over her coffee being hot and it having the audacity toburn her when she spilled it on herself. I was wrong.

It must come as great relief to the millions of overweight, fast food chomping Americans that their ever expanding girth is not their fault. They have been unwitting pawns in a corporate game of Cheeseburger Chess. And as for those elastic waisted pants they have been forced into wearing? I do believe there should be an accompanying lawsuit directed at the garment manufacturers of the world for their obvious lack of concern for the self esteem of the French Fry impaired. Honestly, I can’t believe that I ever allowed myself to feel an ounce of guilt lo those many times I supersized those many ounces of deep fried delicacies. And how nice to know that should my children grow zaftig, it is neither their fault, nor mine, they are simply Happy Meal Handicapped.

Give me a break. No, actually in defense of the Golden Arches, I must paraphrase their own slogan and say, “They deserve a break today.”

Please tell me when, in the history of Ronald McDonald have they ever touted their food as heart-healthy, well-balanced or waistline-friendly? Has it been some sort of State secret just now come to light that they deep fry? That beef contains fat? That there are caloric consequences involved in Supersizing? No, No, andNO.

What also is no secret is the fact that we are a society of lazy, unaccountable, irresponsible litigants, equally as hungry for a quarter million dollar lawsuit as we are for quarter pounder with cheese. What a wonderful example being set for our kids. I suppose next we should sue the grocery stores because they actually stock their shelves with ground beef, potatoes and gasp! – ice cream!

My advice to these lawyers who have brought suit on behalf of their hefty clientele? Advise your doughy defendants to get off their supersized rear ends and take a walk. Not to the nearest McDonald’s, but to the nearest mirror. Have them come face to face with their real problem – themselves. There is only one party responsible for their plight. They ordered the food. They shoved the fries in their mouth. They went back for more and more and more. They have become fat at their own hands. Their choice, their responsibility.

Actions = Consequences. We teach it to our children. Maybe it’s time we grown-ups practice what we preach and spend more time supersizing our own accountability, not the elastic in our pants.

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And let’s say that you shoot a charging lion from 90 feet away (that’s the distance from home plate to first base in professional baseball). Then let’s say that the lion doesn’t actually die, or even stop, and mauls you instead.

Whose fault is it? Yours? No, because you actually hit the lion the first time. The lion’s? Probably, because he didn’t have the good manners to die when you shot him. How about the bullet manufacturer’s? Absolutely! They didn’t make a bullet that killed the lion the way it was supposed to.

If you’re Rolf Rohwer of Scotland, that’s the approach you’ll take.

Rohwer is a professional game hunter who takes clients on hunting safaris in Tanzania. They hunt lions, elephants, and hippos, among other animals.

It was while Rohwer was trying a new type of ammunition on August 11, 2000 that he was mauled by a wounded lion. Rohwer managed to shoot it a second time, while the lion was letting Rohwer know how he felt about being shot the first time.

Rohwer suffered permanent damage to his legs, arm, and back in the attack, but has since returned to hunting. The lion, on the other hand, suffered permanent bodily harm, and probably has his head hanging on the wall of some Tanzanian bar.

So Rohwer filed a federal lawsuit against the Federal Cartridge Company of Anoka, Minnesota for making ammunition that was not suitable for all big game.

According to the lawsuit, the bullet — a .458 Winchester Magnum, 500 grain Trophy Bonded Bear Claw — is supposed to expand upon impact, killing an animal quickly. And that would work fine on a rhinoceros, elephant, or other thick-skinned animal. But with a lion’s thin skin, the bullet passed through with minimal damage.

Louis Franecke, Rohwer’s lawyer, told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: “We think the company makes good ammunition, but not all of it is good for every application. Therein lies the problem. This bullet is not suitable for all big game.”

So how is this the manufacturer’s fault? Rohwer has 30 years of big game hunting experience, so he should know if a bullet is suitable for thick-skinned animals or thin-skinned animals. And as a professional, he already knows hunting has risks.

Besides, hunting is an activity where there should be some danger involved. It’s never struck me as fair that we humans use our vastly superior intelligence and technology to kill animals whose idea of a good day is to “use the jungle” without being eaten.

Now before anyone accuses me of being anti-hunting, let me just say for the record that nothing is further from the truth. While I’m too much of a wuss to be a hunter myself, I respect hunters, and support their right to do it. I just can’t bring myself to shoot an animal that’s been the star of a Disney motion picture. But you’re more than welcome to.

What I really don’t understand is why hunting is considered a challenge at all. You hide in the trees, or drive around in a Jeep. You stake out a watering hole where animals will gather, and wear camouflage so you can’t be seen. And you use a gun large enough to, well, kill an elephant. Where’s the challenge? Doesn’t the animal get a fighting chance, or is there just a loud bang, a sharp pain, and then total blackness?

If you go on one of Rohwer’s safaris, you will also be housed in “classic safari camps” in a place where you can “…experience the truly wild hunting experience of…(Ernest) Hemingway and (Robert) Ruark.”

According to Rohwer’s website, these classic camps have “spacious tents (that) are insect proof and are equipped with en-suite flush toilets and hot showers.” And like any classic safari camp, “gourmet meals are served with the finest available vegetables and condiments.” There is also “…a staff to meet your every need.”

You know, typical safari hunting like Hemingway used to do.

Hemingway: I say, Jeeves, is there any more goose liver pate?

Jeeves: Of course, sir. Would you also like a nice glass of Burgundy?

Hemingway: Absolutely. And could you please swat that fly that has entered my tent?

So how does hiding in the bushes to pick off animals like a sniper constitute a challenge? At least in Rohwer’s case, the lion got a fighting chance. There was truly a struggle between man and beast. And while I’m glad Rohwer wasn’t killed, I do appreciate the irony that the hunter was the hunted, even if it was only for a few seconds.

Rohwer should just chalk this up to a learning experience. He should have tested the bullets on a target before he tried to shoot something that could eat him.

My neighbor’s safety light that shines right in my bedroom window at two in the morning would be a great target.

The post The #1 Reason Fishing is Much Safer appeared first on Just Laugh.

Comedian is a very personal documentary of Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy life after he threw away all his old material and started fresh. Insecurities, competitive edge, and good old fashioned Seinfeld humor is here. The camera follows Jerry back into the trenches of the New York City comedy clubs, where he tries to perfect his new bits. He kills. He bombs. Most of all, he’s human. He says repeatedly that “I had a show, I was larger than life! Now, here I am, back in a smoky comedy club in New York.” All he wants is to be “comfortable” on stage again. Comedian shows the rocky journey to gaining that comfort.

The majority of people who have seen this film gave it raving reviews. The only person who hasn’t is Roger Ebert who claims that there was no deep revelations (or something of that nature). I disagree. While it isn’t as deep as I would have liked to see it, the movie is still very revealing. You see Jerry’s struggles and you see his triumphs. This was an extremely personal story and he shines. Being a comedian/comedy writer myself, I know how difficult it is to show your audience exactly how vulnerable you are. That’s what this movie accomplished. Seinfeld pulled this off brilliantly, and I commend him for it. Great job, Jerry. I didn’t think it was possible that he could be higher on my list, but I was proven wrong.

Orny Adams was a great contrast to Jerry. Orny was a cocky, too-sure-of-himself young comedian. Jerry was a seasoned, insecure comedian. It was a great contrast. Coupled with the surprising cameos of Colin Quinn, Mario Joyner, Jay Leno, Bill Cosby, and others, this film is entertaining from beginning to end.

This movie touched me specifically because I know this business. This is my business. Comedian is the first movie about stand-up comedy that shows the business accurately, yet gives it an optimistic promise. It blows the optimistic love fest, Punch Line, out of the water. This is comedy for what it is. If you are a struggling comedian, or a performer in general, this is a must see. It will show you that even the biggest stars still deal with the same issues the younger ones do. This is an extraordinarily comforting notion. So, comedians of the world, take notice! This film was made for us, and we should bow to Seinfeld for making it.

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