I just got over the flu last week. At least I hope it was the flu. I had flu like symptoms. But of course, every time you have flu like symptoms, it’s never the flu. I could’ve had SARS for all I know. I mean, I was coughing, I’m Asian, and all my friends and family were wearing hospital masks. So I either had SARS or my family was hanging out with Michael Jackson.
It seems that diseases aren’t really important unless they can be referred to in the acronym form…like SARS, AIDS, or STDs. When you get an STD, you know you’re in trouble.
If you have an STD, you can forget your whole dating life. You might as well wrap your genitals in a ziploc bag because you won’t be needing those anytime soon. Just wrap them up and put them in the freezer and hope that you can use them at a later date. And later on, your friends would come over and look in your freezer for food.
“What’s this?” Joe would ask inspecting the ziploc bag.
“Oh, those are my genitals.”
“You keep your genitals in a ziploc bag?”
“Yeah, they were burning and itching too much.”
And after that dialogue, Joe would shake the bag to see if it’s sealed properly. And I would reply that it was, because the stripe is now purple.
But you can’t blame people for STDs though. You have to blame society on that one. Society has inundated us with so much sex. Everywhere you look, it’s sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. You can’t get away from it.
Society is to blame for all the sex in the world. They throw it at you on television (we have a show that’s called, Are you hot?), they throw it at you in magazines (Maxim, FHM, etc.), the Internet (one word – porn)…so much so that, now, my mind automatically thinks of sex no matter what I look at.
I’m driving down the highway and I see a sign that reads, “Please slow down, my mommy works here.” All I’m thinking is, your mommy works on the street? What is she, a prostitute? I’m thinking, “Where is she? I have $50 bucks.”
Everything we see is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Because as the saying goes, “Sex sells.”
I read an article about a company called Vibelet.com that developed software called Purring Kitty, in which you can download into your phone, the same way you can download ring tones into your phone. This software allows your phone to convert into an adult sex toy. It uses the vibration feature on your phone and turns it into a high speed vibrator. (Note: It only works with Nokia phones, so you can’t ‘Just Phone Joan’ yet.)
This is your phone. I’d hate to hear the voice mail on this one. “I can’t come to my phone right now, but I can cum to my phone right now.”
It gives a new meaning to the term, “phone sex.” And how much does this phone call cost per minute?
You just mention the word ‘sex’ and my mind gets disoriented. A friend of mine is having a baby and she says, “We don’t know what the sex is yet…”
I yell, “Oh my God! Sex, I got to get out of here!”
There should be a watchdog group for “too much sex advertising.” Why not? We seem to have a group for everything anyway…like PETA, the animal rights activists… Do we really need people telling us to not treat animals that way?
Animal rights activist?
I’m an animal wrongs activist. I just go up to people and say, “You can’t put that sweater on that dog, that’s not cute, and You can’t have sex with that sheep, that’s not cute.”
So to reduce the overbearing sex that society throws at me, I have to go to the strip clubs. I love the strip clubs because there’s nothing more exhilarating than waking up with a smile, knowing that you’re broke and you smell like watermelon.
So if in fact, sex does sell, I just bought it for a $10.00 admission, six dollar-dances, and two private dances.