It’s no coincide that 50 Shades of Grey is opening just in time for Valentine’s Day, with the roses and the chocolates and the yearning for a dominant dreamboat to whisk us away to a billionaire’s world where laundry and dishes take a backseat for dark and mysterious kinky sex that’s sure to sell a crap-ton of blindfolds and ball-gags that will be used precisely once before being relegated to the back of the nightstand drawer never to be spoken of again…
So how can we get in on all of that steamy action?!
- Pick a good safe word so that your partner knows when things are getting a little too intense – something like Alligator, or Hotdog, or Please Please Please Stop Okay Maybe Just One More.
- Remember that a ball-gag can be a good thing to have around the house not only for kinky sex, but even just when that person locked in your basement won’t pipe down and you need some peace and quiet.
- In one classic scene, Christian Grey blindfolds his submissive girlfriend Ana, but the kink doesn’t have to stop there! Bring an extra blindfold so that both of you can fantasize about the sex you’d rather be having – it’s a win-win!!!
- If your lover happens to call out for Mr. Grey in the thralls of passion, just roll with it, however if she shouts for Colonel Mustard instead, you may want to keep an eye out for that lead pipe stashed behind the headboard.
- Know that a good spanking is one where your wooden spoon breaks, the dog hides in the closet, and your wife calls her mother the next day to apologize for breaking that antique vase her grandmother brought back from China when she was nine years old.
- Although bondage can be a little scary for beginners, just remember that it’s perfectly safe as long as your partner is a mysterious billionaire who gives you little reason to trust him other than the desperate acceptance that you’ve never quite felt before.
- Take care not to leave any embarrassing marks on your partner that can’t be covered up with a turtleneck for work the next day; emotional scars are the best because those won’t show themselves again for years!
- And lastly, as a general rule sex is always better if your lover owns a helicopter. You can pick one up on eBay and it’s so much quicker than actually learning how to be more intimate with your partner, plus even when you’re not having sex, you still own a helicopter!