Humor Blog Highlights

Bad Girls Finish First…with Me At Least

People always ask me, “Jason, when are you going to settle down?” To that, I usually reply, “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”

Now that I think about it, I’ll never find the right woman. That’s because I usually fall for the wrong woman, the bad girl, the one with issues. The women that are so crazy that “settle down” to me means the same way you address a child. “Settle down!”

Women come in all shapes, sizes, and with different backgrounds. The ones with different backgrounds intrigue me, especially if her background involves petty crimes.

Enter Jamie.

Jamie entered into my life via low cut pants, visible thong, and attitude. It didn’t hurt that I was slightly intoxicated either. She was alone at the time, which jumped out at me. “What beautiful woman goes to a bar alone?”

After about five minutes of watching her, I approached her.

Five minutes after that, I knew everything about her life. Former stripper, a husband in prison, and most importantly, a bad police record. The first two excited me. The third one, not really.

Who doesn’t have a bad police record? Every album they put out was bad. Sting leaving the band was the best thing he ever did.

Then it hit me, a “bad police record.”

I asked her what her record entailed and it was simple, drug trafficking, theft, and weapons charges.

I wondered how her life was.

By the way she was partying, drinking, and smiling, you wouldn’t suspect anything to be wrong with her. So if she didn’t care, why should I?

We met one week ago. We’ve hung out every day since. She calls me at 3:00 in the morning and swears in public, but for some reason, she has this psycho sexual hold on me. I can’t let her go.

If you look at the history of women I’ve dated, there are very similar traits, former strippers, attitude, occasional trouble with the law, etc., etc.

I’ve always told myself, I want to marry a nice girl. But when I look at someone like Jamie, granted her husband is in prison and she has kids, she is, after all, nice.

So I need to reevaluate my terms for dating.

1. Since I still want to marry a nice girl, she has to be nice.2. Since I usually fall for a bad girl, she has to have some background involving police reports and handcuffs (preferably the handcuffs).

3. Former strippers are okay as long as they keep the attire, thongs, trashy tops, and scents of watermelon.

4. Kids are optional since I have one myself, whose mother is a former stripper.

5. They must be able to put up with me for a long period of time.

If a woman can meet the above criteria, then I think she could be the right one for me. So the next time someone asks me, “Jason, when are you going to settle down?”, I’ll pull out my criteria and if at least four out of five are met, then I’ll be able to answer that question honestly.

So in effect, the wrong woman can ultimately be the right woman. Right?

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.