You can find James Veitch’s book about replying to Internet scammers – Dot Con – on Amazon!

The post The Guy Who Responds to Spam Emails… appeared first on Just Laugh.

“It’s a new thing called ‘online shopping’,” cited the perky, 24-year old’s report that was actually published by a real media outlet, “and many people will be giving thanks to it this year for saving them more time that they can spend with their families on what has traditionally been the busiest shopping weekend of the year.”

Completely inept to the fact that online sales have been chipping away at the significance of Black Friday for years, Sebastine comically explained to actual viewers of the local TV station that instead of standing in lines, shoppers might this year do the bulk of their holiday shopping “in their pajamas” as she demonstrated purchasing a copy of The Devil Wears Prada from Amazon.com that she looks forward to receiving in plenty of time to give as a gift for her older sister, Heidi.

“And there – with just a few simple clicks,” the inexplicably proud journalist said as she smiled cluelessly into the camera, “my Christmas list is one present closer to completion, and I didn’t even have to set foot outside!”

After talking over footage of light traffic that she had captured with the help of cameraman Scott Cloud at the Westfield Southcenter earlier that afternoon, Sebastine unabashedly closed her report with a clever shot from her own bedroom where pink bunny slippers peeked out from beneath the sheets while she happily reiterated her line earlier about doing her own shopping from the comforts of her bedroom as if the first mainstream e-commerce transactions hadn’t happened when she was barely two years old.

The post Retailers to Begin Offering Black Friday Sales Online, Cites Outdated Local News Reporter appeared first on Just Laugh.

The barriers were simply too great – websites contained too many links, the Internet as a whole had too many distractions, and what should’ve been a quick visit to Amazon.com to order some delicious, original blue box mac and cheese became a three hour struggle for my attention between tweets of people’s lunches and videos of cats playing musical instruments to catchy jingles.

But where other innovators saw the impossible, Jeff Bezos and the team at Amazon instead saw an opportunity … a chance to give honest, hardworking folks who enjoy macaroni and cheese like myself a break … another of life’s great struggles that could be solved by harnessing the power of technology, the magic of the Internet, and mankind’s undying, infallible love for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

And thus on that cool, autumnal morn in the dawn of the 21st century, the Amazon Dash button was born.

The concept is pretty ingenious – Amazon sends you a little, white button about the size of a keychain to place wherever macaroni and cheese is enjoyed in your home, and then when you use up your last box of creamy deliciousness, you merely press the button and the Internet tells Amazon to send you some more!

No more clunky websites to navigate or sales on random things that aren’t macaroni and cheese to distract you from the task at hand. It’s just a single, highly efficient button tasked with only one goal in its entire existence … to ensure that your home never goes without Kraft Macaroni & Cheese ever again. Seriously, the only way that this thing could be any better would be if somehow they put little microchips inside of each macaroni noodle so that once your belly had consumed the final morsel in the vicinity of your house, an air raid siren would go off as Amazon drones descended upon your home to promptly and with military-grade precision restock your pantry before the fork even hit your empty plate…

But who knows, maybe that’s phase 2.

In the meantime I like where this latest advancement in technology has taken us and already I’m looking forward to the day when I really don’t have to leave the cozy, anti-social comforts of my home at all anymore because Amazon will have designed similar Dash buttons for seemingly anything and everything that I could possibly need to purchase from them as a loyal consumer.

Toilet paper is out? Quilted Northern Dash button.

Hard to reach itch on the small of my back? Back-Scratcher Dash button.

Neighbor kids won’t stop playing on my freshly cut lawn? Flame-Thrower Dash button … because once flame throwers start becoming available on Amazon, I have a feeling I’m going to be going through a lot of them!

With the simple click of a button, the future has inched its way even closer, and it came bearing fresh macaroni and cheese, so you can’t argue that! Sure, there may be a few glitches along the way, such as when my 1 1/2 year-old son gets a hold of the button and two days later I find myself staring at 37,000 boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese waiting on my porch, but that’s really just a teachable moment for any good parent these days.

Teaching my son that filling the swimming pool up with macaroni and cheese would be AWESOME, anyways!

The post The Future Has Never Been Cheesier! appeared first on Just Laugh.

“It’s so unfair – they never let us do anything that we want!” cried Centurylink CEO Glen Post, stomping his feet in disgust as his company’s lawsuit against the Federal Communications Commission became the seventh protest in argument against net neutrality. “I built this fiber-optic network all by myself and I should be able to do whatever I want with it…”

The fiber-optic network the child referenced, of course, is part of what adults know as the Internet – a global network of communications systems that was largely created by government-funded research in military and university labs around the world, connecting billions of people in profound ways that has had an unprecedented impact on society, culture, and commerce throughout the global community as a whole.

“The Internet is not a toy,” the Commission scolded as it quickly scanned its shopping list to see if the groceries that it had come in search of were good enough to last the next couple of days, “and when you start acting like an adult when it comes to managing traffic fairly and equally on your network, maybe we’ll think about giving you a little more responsibility … but you have to earn it.”

Hanging his head low as he pouted behind the FCC, grumbling about “just packing up its network and going home,” the Centurylink CEO already began plotting what he would do the following Tuesday when he went over to AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson’s house while the FCC had Pilates class that afternoon.

The post Telecoms Upset FCC All Up in Their Bid-ness with Net Neutrality Ruling appeared first on Just Laugh.

I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future.

Bill Gates will give me $5,000 for forwarding this e-mail.

Soon cell phone numbers will be released for telemarketing unless all individuals register with the National Do Not Call List.

The truth is, 99.7% of the stupid things you read on the Internet aren’t even close to being true, but just in case you’re one of those idiots who still just isn’t quite sure, here’s a list of some other arguably believable hoaxes that in all reality are absolutely fucking false as well…

• Unless you recite the preamble to the constitution each morning in the shower, one illegal immigrant will be given a green card – no questions asked.
• A Chinese restaurant in New York City has a popular program where residents can earn a free pint of General Tso’s Chicken for each stray cat that they collect off the streets.
• Bill Gates actually uses Gmail instead of Hotmail, and has offered one lucky winner $1,000,000 if they can guess his e-mail address. Google’s mail servers are spammed with hundreds of thousands of messages a day of incorrect guesses.
• President Obama spends one weekend each month collecting guns from citizens of small, midwestern towns, however if you give him the secret handshake when you answer the door, he’ll give you one of his guns instead.
• Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg earns $1 every time that anything is posted on Facebook, however he drops ten cents into the Like jar on his desk for every time that a user clicks that little thumbs up.
• Prayers are diligently requested for billionaire Paul Allen, who currently worries nightly that his latest yacht – a 584-foot behemoth called The Titan – may not be completed in time for the 2016 Mediterranean sailing season.
• Chili peppers of different varieties actually have conflicting food personalities, and if you eat several all at the same time, your mouth will actually taste cool and refreshing instead of hot and spicy as the peppers compete with each other for dominance.
• Despite what manufacturers will tell you, modern smart phones have a unique gender that they are built with at the factory. The gender of your phone will determine things such as battery life, data retention, and level of disgust when you use it to look at porn in the restroom at work.

The post Internet Hoaxes for Gullible Folkses appeared first on Just Laugh.

• Unless it’s spam, getting e-mail is usually pretty cool for just about all of us. Nonetheless, whether you’re sending me hate mail or fan mail, could we maybe work on the spelling and/or punctuation, please?! Neither “U SUX ‘CUZ YER N0T FUNY” nor “HEHEHE…THAT WUZ FUNEY…WANNA GO OUT???????” is doing anything for me…
• I’m not much of an IM’er (instant messaging), but if you’re going to IM me, at least think of something to talk about ahead of time! “Hi!” is only an acceptable conversation piece if you’re a chick, and even if you’re a hot one, you’d better have something else to follow-up with…
• …and “…check out my page on faceparty.com / amihotornot.com / miscellaneousratingsrus.com…” just aren’t cutting it for me! If you’re striving to attain the fame and fortunes (yeah, right…) that the Internet has to offer, either give us some actual content or get your ass back to homeroom…
• To Anyone Looking to Impress Somebody on Their Birthday: I have only one word for you: eBay. Everything from front row concert tickets to celebrity autographs to that Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox that she used to have back in elementary school, I’ve yet to find anything that can’t be picked up on eBay…as long as you’re willing to shell out the cash. But who can really put a price on happiness, anyways?!
• Whatever happened to those swell little “X-10” ads – you know, for those super-secret, check-out-the-neighbor-girl-sunbathing spy cameras. Sure, they were kind of obnoxious when every other second they were popping up, but now that they’re gone, I kinda miss those little guys… (ditto for thePets.com sock puppet!)
• I, too, was once a bit skeptical of these online dating services, but then it occurred to me that even if she does turn out to be a man, at least I’ll finally have somebody to play pool with at the bar.
• I don’t care what anybody else says – if you’re looking for the good porn, you’re going to have to pay for it!
• To Everyone Who Has the Gall to Post an Amazon Wish-List on Their Website: do those things actually work?! (…because I’ve got a great one standing-by just in case…)
• Does anybody else get these really weird e-mails all the time, boasting about ways to “Make your genitals 3x their size overnight!” and “Turn ordinary, household garbage into pure gold!!!”? I just wanted to make sure that I’m not the only one because they seemed a little too good to be true.
• According to statistical analysis, 70% of all Internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-to-5 workday…is that why my keyboard at work always sticks so often?
• To Anyone Who’s Trying to Build Their Own Website: I know that there are lots of free web hosts out there, but would you at least considerspending the $5/month to pop for a host who doesn’t require 800 pop-up ads on every page?! I’d love to read more about your horses, honest, but I’d rather not crash my browser during the process.
• I never thought I’d be for the government regulation of anything, but maybe…just maybe…could we post a limit of say, three bitchy blog postings per week? I don’t care if your life sucks and you’re contemplating suicide with a dull spork, let’s at least try to keep it light and peppy a couple days a week, eh?!
• If your e-mail application begins spouting errors because your POP3 settings have been improperly configured to scan for an IMAP server on port 113 instead of the standard POP3/SMTP layout for ports 110 and 25, it may very well be that your virtual host’s administrator has altered the default server configurations to compensate for a vulnerability within the firewall between his CPU and an outside router and your own application is simply auto-detecting the change and taking appropriate actions, even if they’re wrong. Computers are stupid like that sometimes…
• To All of the Cam Whores: keep up the great work!!!
• …and for the love of God, just admit it already – we all look at the porn from time to time, maybe some more than others, but we’re all doing it. Just try to remember to close and lock the door before you…ummm…get started, to help avoid any unwelcome company, if you know what I mean!

The post From the Public, For the Public…Online Edition appeared first on Just Laugh.

Although it is unclear how exactly this will affect Just Laugh’s immense audience, Editor-in-Chief Scott Sevener reports that, “I’m very confident that, if anything, this acquisition will only lead to strengthening our position in the market. Everyone here at Just Laugh looks forward to continuing to produce the Internet’s best humor. We’ve got some fantastic projects planned for the near future and it’s only going to be getting better from here on out…”

Some analysts view this purchase as simply another move by the Internet titan to buy-up its competition, and some long-time fans of Just Laugh magazine fear that the end of their favorite online humor publication could be near, as it’s unfortunately quite common for severe budget and staffing cuts to whittle new acquisitions down to nothing in cases like this, yet Webmaster Robert Henderson sees a different side to the story.

“Yeah, the magazine was doing great, pulling down a few million hits each year, but with this deal with AOL finally coming through, I can see our readership going through the roof in the following months! I mean, think about it – AOL already boasts a massive 35 million members worldwide, and with talks of Just Laugh becoming AOL’s primary humor feature in their entertainment section, there’s no telling how many new readers we’ll be seeing come shortly! I’m really excited about it all.”

Representatives from the merged web teams between AOL Time Warner and Just Laugh Productions tell us that the complete integration will not be complete for another several weeks, but any actual changes will be minute and most previous readers won’t notice any differences whatsoever. Beginning Tuesday, AOL members will be able to access all of Just Laugh’s content using the Keyword: Just Laugh command. Though previous acquisitions have led to the untimely deaths of many of the web’s favorite gathering places, at least we know that in this case, whatever happens, we’ll be going out with a few good laughs…

The post Special Announcement – Just Laugh Acquired by AOL Time Warner appeared first on Just Laugh.

“We’ve got some big plans for the near future,” Internet President and CEO Al Gore began, “but the enormous scale of our modifications simply can’t be portrayed accurately without disturbing the lives of millions of individuals, both public and private. Everything has its price, but trust me when I tell you that this price will certainly be worth the wait.”

The conference continued to discuss various multimedia features which will be included in the next version of The Internet, ranging from “click and smell surfing” to a new and sophisticated, completely user-generated 3d realm in which users can interact with one another and create online “relationships” or sit alone in a realistic, computer-generated basement exploring a computer-generated version of The Internet. Questions relating this particular new feature to the unsuccessful VRML format of the late ’90s were skillfully avoided.

Attempting to discover some of the more business-oriented updates to sweep Silicon Valley led to the discouraging response, “Although many requests have been made for improvements to The Internet that are actually both useful and meaningful to society as a whole, we just can’t see such upgrades being implemented any time in the near future,” Chief Developmental Officer William Jameson reported. “Our previous market research has explicitly proven that the majority of our users have no desire to experience these types of features, which allows us to focus on entertainment-based methods of taking their money, including online casinos, sporting events, and even interactive pay-per-screw brothels, for adults only of course! We’re not quite sure on the interface for the last one yet, but we’re definitely well on our way to figuring this one out…”

Finally, representatives from The Internet answered the one question everyone had – when and how long will we be affected by these updates? “Even though we’d like to say that the average user won’t be affected at all,” Chief Online Technical Support Assistant Gregory Labine explained, “it would be a total lie and I’m trying to steer away from that. The truth is that The Internet will be down and completely unavailable to anyone and everyone, with the exception of Bill Gates, for random periods throughout normal business hours this summer. It might be down for just a few minutes while you’re hurrying to check your e-mail during your lunch break, or it could be down for the entire day, forcing you to handwrite all of those purchase orders yourself! We’re not really concerned about the whole thing because pretty much everyone just uses The Internet to look at pornography, which they shouldn’t be doing at work anyways. If anything, these outages should HELP productivity in the workplace…”

“Besides, what the hell are they going to do about it, anyways?” CEO Gore joked. “Call tech support?!?!? That’s a good one…” The conference soon wrapped up as it became clear that the laughter among The Internet employees wasn’t going to settle down any time soon.

Rolling online blackouts and periods of no service are expected to begin as soon as early July, so users are encouraged to ‘Go outside, you pasty-faced geek’ until services resume. Severe losses in adult entertainment sections and a considerable increase in the sale of suntan lotion and deodorant are predicted. Residents are being asked to avoid interacting with affected victims until they are able to get used to sunlight again…

The post Internet Summer Maintenance Schedule Announced appeared first on Just Laugh.

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That’s right, I finally took the plunge and upgraded to a broadband Internet connection at my house, quite possibly making it the best home improvement step I’ve ever made!  You could probably consider me one of the original Internet geeks, ranging back to the times of telnet and gopher, when a graphical interface was nothing more than a wet dream.  The first time I connected to the Internet was sometime in the early 1990s; I was only about 11 years old or so.  We didn’t really even know what this Internet-thing was all about, but after months and months of pleading I finally convinced my Dad to let me try it out.  We only had a 1200 baud modem (translate: r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w…)  and the computer itself was a “laptop” that could maybe display four or five lines at a time, so there wasn’t much to see…

Obviously things have drastically changed since then and the entire concept of the World Wide Web has been completely altered to now accommodate graphics, music and even animation.  Am I the only person who remembers Lynx???  Ok, those days pretty much sucked and we knew it, but at least you could view the full potential of a text-based Internet over a dial-up connection using it.  Nowadays it’s not uncommon to be able to take your lunch break and return to find that the page which you were attempting to load before you left is still loading…I hate to use such a cliché, but does the term World Wide Wait ring a bell?

I had used “permanent” Internet connections in other places before, mainly businesses and schools, but trust me, this doesn’t even come close to having a real connection!  Besides, who wants to look at porn in the middle of the campus computer lab, anyways?  Let me tell you, the difference in speed makes surfing the Internet an entirely new (and even tolerable!) experience!  There’s certainly no more waiting for those dirty pictures of Anne Heche to load, or so I’ve heard…

Anyone who uses the Internet for anything more than checking e-mail once a week owes it to themselves to invest in broadband, whether it be via cable modem or DSL.  If you live in that rural of an area where it still isn’t available, then I suggest that you either move or start making daily phone calls to your local cable company until they bite the bullet and realize that it would be cheaper to run a special line out to your house rather than keep an extra person on staff just to answer your phone calls!  And ladies, even though you think that your man is only using the ‘net to look up sports scores and stuff, he’ll definitely appreciate the increase in his ability to download pornography, too!  He’s going to look at it regardless, so why not speed up the whole process a little?  You know what they say: What’s better than downloading your porn 10 times faster?  Downloading your porn 100 times faster, of course!  Hmmmm, 100 times faster…

The truly addictive part of the upgrade was that I didn’t just get the cable modem.  Oh no, the package also came complete with digital cable as well, which as any couch potato knows is the next best thing to having an actual life!  Some may call it the poor man’s satellite (although after seeing the bill, I couldn’t imagine why…), but 250 channels is good enough for me, at least for now!  I’ve got over 50 different movies I’ve already seen and another several dozen sitcoms I couldn’t care less about available at my fingertips at any given time, not to mention the specialty channels such as Animal Planet, Discovery’s Animal World, The Science Channel presents Animals, Disney’s Animal Kingdom Live and The Spice Channel…

I figure between cable tv and my laptop with Internet access, there’s really no reason for me to ever have to leave the couch now.  I do get hungry from time to time, but if I leave a trail of money by the door, the pizza delivery boy will usually catch on and bring it right to me.  I’m still working on a solve for the whole bathroom-thing because I just don’t have good enough aim to use the empty beer bottles and I definitely won’t be trying the diaper thing again…

If the last bit made it sound like I was a little lazy, that’s not my intention at all because in real life I’m actually extremely lazy!  And you know what, I really have no problems with that – They say I’m lazy, but it takes all my time – words spoken by a true man.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a little downloading to do…

The post I’m Not an Addict… appeared first on Just Laugh.