From the Public, For the Public…Online Edition
When you spend as much time on the Internet as I do, it kind of becomes sort of a second home, for better or for worse. Good days and bad days alike, there are always those certain things that can either make my day or set me off like a rocket. We all have our pet peeves, but I think there’s just something about the increasing population of complete idiots online that exemplifies these extremes…so in following with the trend, here’s my list of guidelines for those who are just now wandering onto the world wide web and our seasoned veterans – you’re never too old to stop being an idiot…
- Unless it’s spam, getting e-mail is usually pretty cool for just about all of us. Nonetheless, whether you’re sending me hate mail or fan mail, could we maybe work on the spelling and/or punctuation, please?! Neither “U SUX ‘CUZ YER N0T FUNY” nor “HEHEHE…THAT WUZ FUNEY…WANNA GO OUT???????” is doing anything for me…
- I’m not much of an IM’er (instant messaging), but if you’re going to IM me, at least think of something to talk about ahead of time! “Hi!” is only an acceptable conversation piece if you’re a chick, and even if you’re a hot one, you’d better have something else to follow-up with…
- …and “…check out my page on faceparty.com / amihotornot.com / miscellaneousratingsrus.com…” just aren’t cutting it for me! If you’re striving to attain the fame and fortunes (yeah, right…) that the Internet has to offer, either give us some actual content or get your ass back to homeroom…
- To Anyone Looking to Impress Somebody on Their Birthday: I have only one word for you: eBay. Everything from front row concert tickets to celebrity autographs to that Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox that she used to have back in elementary school, I’ve yet to find anything that can’t be picked up on eBay…as long as you’re willing to shell out the cash. But who can really put a price on happiness, anyways?!
- Whatever happened to those swell little “X-10” ads – you know, for those super-secret, check-out-the-neighbor-girl-sunbathing spy cameras. Sure, they were kind of obnoxious when every other second they were popping up, but now that they’re gone, I kinda miss those little guys… (ditto for thePets.com sock puppet!)
- I, too, was once a bit skeptical of these online dating services, but then it occurred to me that even if she does turn out to be a man, at least I’ll finally have somebody to play pool with at the bar.
- I don’t care what anybody else says – if you’re looking for the good porn, you’re going to have to pay for it!
- To Everyone Who Has the Gall to Post an Amazon Wish-List on Their Website: do those things actually work?! (…because I’ve got a great one standing-by just in case…)
- Does anybody else get these really weird e-mails all the time, boasting about ways to “Make your genitals 3x their size overnight!” and “Turn ordinary, household garbage into pure gold!!!”? I just wanted to make sure that I’m not the only one because they seemed a little too good to be true.
- According to statistical analysis, 70% of all Internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-to-5 workday…is that why my keyboard at work always sticks so often?
- To Anyone Who’s Trying to Build Their Own Website: I know that there are lots of free web hosts out there, but would you at least considerspending the $5/month to pop for a host who doesn’t require 800 pop-up ads on every page?! I’d love to read more about your horses, honest, but I’d rather not crash my browser during the process.
- I never thought I’d be for the government regulation of anything, but maybe…just maybe…could we post a limit of say, three bitchy blog postings per week? I don’t care if your life sucks and you’re contemplating suicide with a dull spork, let’s at least try to keep it light and peppy a couple days a week, eh?!
- If your e-mail application begins spouting errors because your POP3 settings have been improperly configured to scan for an IMAP server on port 113 instead of the standard POP3/SMTP layout for ports 110 and 25, it may very well be that your virtual host’s administrator has altered the default server configurations to compensate for a vulnerability within the firewall between his CPU and an outside router and your own application is simply auto-detecting the change and taking appropriate actions, even if they’re wrong. Computers are stupid like that sometimes…
- To All of the Cam Whores: keep up the great work!!!
- …and for the love of God, just admit it already – we all look at the porn from time to time, maybe some more than others, but we’re all doing it. Just try to remember to close and lock the door before you…ummm…get started, to help avoid any unwelcome company, if you know what I mean!
