How to Disappoint Your Woman in Three Easy Steps…

Tweet

Now you’ve gone and done it.

See – that’s what you get for taking advice from a humor website!

If there’s one thing that any man who’s been in a relationship through Valentine’s Day can tell you, it’s that you don’t fuck around when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Sure, it’s predominantly a ladies’ holiday, but consider the things that the ladies in our lives are responsible for on a daily basis…

• making bologna sandwiches
• acquiring Girl Scout cookies
• remembering how the fondue pot works

Sure, many of them are food-related, but as the female cannibal said, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…” and the last thing a guy needs to do is give his bologna-wielding woman a reason to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on him for forgetting literally her most important day of the year!

That’s right – forget her birthday if you must, or forget your anniversary, but forget Valentine’s Day and you my friend are as good as toast.

So here’s what we’re going to do … to continue with our food theme, there are three slices of pie that make up the lovers’ holiday that falls each year on February 14th. A guy can make a lot of mistakes surrounding his honey’s celebration of Valentine’s Day as long as he respects the pie and remembers to hit on each of the following three points…

1. Acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is actually a day.
This can be done via card, via singing gorilla gram, or even by means of a chipper “Happy Valentine’s Day!” as you hand her a cup of coffee in the morning. The key is simply that it absolutely must be done within the first hours of the day or you automatically lose this slice of the pie.

2. Give her a gift.
It’s important to note here that contradictory to how much they cost, flowers do not constitute a Valentine’s Day gift. They can serve as a supplemental gift if you’re trying to score extra points by having them delivered to her job so she can gloat all day, but she’s still going to expect her real gift when she gets home. Maybe get a nice, red bow to put on it or something, too.

3. Feed her.
A lot of people go out to dinner for Valentine’s Day because dinner is a great meal all by itself and this way you get a chance to kill two birds with one stone. Bonus points if you pick her favorite restaurant, wear a tie, or don’t have to speak your order into a clown’s face. Super extra bonus points if you compliment how she looks, actually care about the things she has to say, and refrain from staring at the waitress’s chest when she brings you the check.

The truth of the matter is, Valentine’s Day isn’t hard. It just requires presence, 24 hours of your time, and about $150 as long as you don’t go crazy on the appetizers. Even if you’re an extraordinarily lazy man much like myself, you can do Valentine’s Day … even if you put it off until the last minute and honestly kind of wanted to just lay around the house playing video games tomorrow anyways.

Remember, a year’s worth of bologna sandwiches are riding on this one day – just don’t fuck it up too bad and on Sunday you can totally go back to coasting through this relationship in the manner to which you’ve grown accustomed.

The other 364 days of the year are yours – for Valentine’s Day, give the bologna vixen in your life what she deserves…