This week Indiana Governor Mike Pence stirred himself up a big, old pot of controversy by signing into law the Religious Freedom Restoration Act – a bill much like those that other states have already adopted to protect good-minded believers from compromising their religious tenets by being decent to gays, transgender individuals, and those of us who dare to wear clothing made out of mixed fibers.
But why stop there when there are so many other things that we could be doing to protect the delicate followers of Christ being allowed to be total assholes in the name of their Almighty Lord and Savior?! Much like racist white people in the 1950s who were afraid of getting cooties from using the same drinking fountains and bus seats as their African American counterparts, we think that Americans can do so much more to make this country more comfortable for people of all religions, but let’s be honest – mostly for Christians, starting with the following…
- Mandating that all those discriminated against say at least one nice thing about their Christian discriminators.
- Spreading eggshells throughout the streets and insisting that everyone walk barefoot on Sundays to help the rest of us all to better understand the plight of the sensitive believer.
- Insisting that all gay people participate in at least one traditional marriage first just to be sure that they’ve considered their options.
- Asking that all those of alternative lifestyles and beliefs wear special badges so that Christians can more easily identify who they need to discriminate against.
- Banning all wedding cakes to ensure that straight people won’t be forced to bake for gay people, and square people won’t be forced to bake for round people, and so on and so forth…
- Putting the Christ back in Christmas, whatever that means, because without Christ Christmas is just mas, which we can all agree is boring as hell.
- Installing special drinking fountains, identical to regular fountains but filled with holy water, to preserve the sanctity of thine parched lips.
- Agreeing to disagree on that whole “fish isn’t meat”-thing during lent, even though it’s kind of ridiculous because fish is totally meat 365 days of the year.