Trick or Treating Loot to Avoid…

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In only a few short days, America’s children will be taking to the streets to beg for candy from their neighbors with the threat of trick as their only retaliation, but let’s be honest – some people kind of suck when it comes to handing out things to underaged strangers in the middle of the night.

To help these future vagrants in their conquest for $3.50 worth of sugary sweets that they’ll likely consume in a single night, we here at Just Laugh have put together this helpful list of treats to avoid when you’re out ringing doorbells and soliciting food from people you don’t even know…

Candy Hearts – Valentine’s Day was in February, so at a minimum these chalky, little messages of love and affection are at least 17 years old by now … probably best to steer clear.

Chocolate-Drizzled Buttocks – They’re sweet and sensual, sure, but let’s be honest – most parents today just don’t want their kids licking chocolate off the backside of a beautiful stranger. Those are just the times we live in right now…

Bucket ‘o Scorpions – A mother scorpion and a handful of her newborn babies may seem like a fun idea Halloween night, but Mom’s going to be none too happy when you suddenly can’t find all of them in her living room carpet the next morning!

Discarded Teeth – Now I know what you’re thinking – you never can have too many teeth laying around, and at the rate that yours have been falling out it probably seems like a no-brainer, but just say no to secondhand teeth – trust us on this one.

Mortgage Applications – Ever hear of the Housing Market Crash of 2008? Hint: It’s the reason you’ve been living in your Uncle Jerry’s attic for the last five years. Besides, you’re too young to get your first mortgage anyways – most elementary student credit scores are laughable at best…

Cattle – Just as bad as bunny rabbits at Easter or leprechauns around St. Patrick’s Day, so many people get cattle without thinking through how much grass those things eat in a day or who’s going to shovel all of that cow shit. Are you going to shovel all of that cow shit?! Didn’t think so!

Hypodermic Apples – When we were your age, there was this big scare about bad people hiding razor blades inside of apples, but those same bad people are older and much lazier now. Just try to keep your guard up – if a hypodermic needle sticking out of any of your treats seems suspicious, give it to your little brother to test out first.

Pickles – What is this – trick or treating or the makings of a new neighborhood delicatessen?! It’s trick or treating, so pickles need not apply!