10 Creatures Ted Cruz Vows to Consume If Elected President

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1. An Anaconda … to remind the world who the deadliest predator deep in the jungles of the Congo really is.

2. A Pink, Plastic Lawn Flamingo … to remind the world who the deadliest predator deep in the trailer parks of America really is.

3. President Obama’s Dog, Bo … to serve as the GOP’s last ceremonial jab at America’s Worst President Ever™.

4. The Heart of An American Bald Eagle … to gain its courage or something.

5. A Bunch of Cartoon Animals Riding a Cartoon Train … to ensure that the kiddos don’t get too complacent.

6. Roughly 11,000 Carpenter Ants … nothing special about this one – just a hearty breakfast to start the day right.

7. A Majestic Bottlenose Dolphin … because he fucking hates them.

8. Bernie Sanders … to finally rid the world of socialism once and for all.

9. The Winged Serpent Known Throughout the Realm as Sorventh, Bringer of Death … for tax reform.

10. The Mighty Elephant Seal … because there can be only one.