Airline Contractors Explore New Ways for Flying to be Even Less Comfortable

Tweet

PARIS (Just Laugh) – As airlines worldwide search for new ways to maximize profits through baggage fees and additional seating throughout their fleets, last week it was reported that seat manufacturer Zodiac Seats France has applied for a unique patent to reconfigure airline seats in a way that alternates passengers sitting the opposite direction to introduce a new level of awkwardness on account of the forced eye contact that was previously avoided with their traditionally cramped seating arrangements.

But the lack of comfort doesn’t stop there as another aerospace contractor – Excruciating Aeronautics LLC – announced its own plans to offer airlines a variety of exciting, new services that will revolutionize the way that airlines are able to inconvenience and torment their passengers within their confined spaces 35,000-feet in the air. Just a sampling of what the firm hopes to roll out to airlines in the near future includes the following:

Bitchier Flight Attendant Training – Occasionally when you fly there’s about a 50/50 chance of getting a bitchy flight attendant versus a nice, old lady who purposely tries to avoid your knees with the beverage cart and actually smiles at the passengers, however this new training program promises to reduce customer satisfaction by 30% alone while exposing customers to a bevy of new curse words and offensive gestures from around the world.

Everyone Gets a Rabbit! – With this unique promotional offering, every passenger onboard gets their own bunny rabbit to hold and care for during the flight. Sounds cute, and it is for the first five minutes, but once dozens of stray rabbits start roaming about the cabin, biting and shitting on passengers trapped in their seats, the experience quickly becomes anything but adorable!

Overhead Bin Seating – Once used by cheap passengers trying to avoid checking their baggage, this new opportunity solves two problems by adding new seating for passengers who will mostly be sleeping throughout the flight anyways in addition to forcing all travelers to pony up those hefty $25 bag fees.

Mandatory Socialization – There was a time when people used to enjoy making new friends, and now by placing passengers as far away from their traveling parties as possible, many airlines hope to return to the days when flying meant learning something new about the guy in sweatpants who brought his own cheese pizza to eat next to you on the plane…

Rusty Nail Seat Cushions – Would you believe that it’s actually cheaper to buy airplane seats filled with rusty nails than it is legitimately upholstered cushions?! When you buy solely from Tajikistan, it is! But don’t worry – most seats can still be safely used as floatation devices … just as long as you’re up on your tetanus shots.

Excruciating Aeronautics would also like to mention that they are currently hiring, so if you’re seeking employment in the aerospace sector with a focus in the exciting world of customer dissatisfaction, you’re invited to assemble a resume of three ways you could make airline travel even worse than it already is and then shove it up your ass.