Lawless, P.I.
Dear Savannah,
For several months now I have followed your advice column with interest, and never thought that I’d be drunk enough to write, but here I go! Er, could you edit out the drunk part? [Elizabeth: No.] Thanks!
Anyway, I kinda fell for this woman and after worshiping from afar asked her to go with me on a picnic (in a public, safe spot). She said she’d check her schedule and get back to me. A few days later she called and said that she was seeing someone else, and that she didn’t feel comfortable going with me at the same time. After sobbing a bit and consoling myself with assorted beverages, I realized that there may have been something else going on.
One possibility was that she had a moral code and was willing to stick to it. Another was that fact that I drive a used minivan and he has a more expensive vehicle. We won’t discuss jobs or incomes right now, thanks.
So, here’s my question. Do I just forget her and move on with my pitiful life, or should I hire a detective and scope this guy out with the option of having him disappear after a little accident?
Your sincerely,
A Devoted Reader
Savannah Says:
I see so many issues here, I don’t even know where to begin.
Should you hire a private investigator? Definitely. But not to investigate the alleged boyfriend. Instead, you need to turn your sights on this girl you admire. What is she hiding? Does she really have a boyfriend? Does she have an embarrassing sexual attraction to squirrels that would make a picnic in the park an uncomfortable experience?
Could it be that she has children? And a husband? Or two? Or more?
Is it possible she’s involved in an affair with her boss, who’s secretly blackmailing her into keeping quiet by threatening to reveal the sordid details (and Polaroids) of that unfortunate night in Cancun involving an alpaca, a bottle of Jose Cuervo, and a transvestite trapeze artist named
JoJo?
But I digress.
If you’re serious about getting this girl, you need to find out where she lives – and I mean that in the metaphorical as well as literal sense. Learn her habits: where she works, when she comes and goes, routine appointments (like time at the gym) she keeps on a daily, weekly and monthly basis.
Once armed with this ammunition, you can confidently begin your courtship. Leave little “love gifts” leaning against her front door. Include notes that say things like, “I know you’ll be home around 4:30, like you always are,” and “When I saw you this morning at 8:37, striding confidently into the law offices of Bluenose and Twitch, where you’ve worked for the past 4 years, 8 months, I knew you were the woman I had to have.”
After several weeks of establishing this romantic bond between you, create an aura of intrigue and mystery around yourself by phoning the girl’s home at times you know she’s away and leaving messages on her machine. You might say something like, “That blue scarf you wore this morning really lit up your eyes. I wonder if a candlelight bath at my place would do the same.”
Love poetry also can be very effective at wooing the girl of your dreams. How about, “Roses are red, violets are blue, nothing could keep me, away from you”?
Eventually, of course, you’ll want to reveal yourself and establish a physical relationship. Nothing could be more romantic than prying your way into her car, hiding in the backseat, and popping up suddenly while she’s driving. Be sure to have a gift in hand. Perhaps a bottle of her favorite perfume (you DO know what perfume she wears, right?) or a bobble-head doll in her likeness that says “I Love You.”
Trust me, she’ll be thrilled the man of her dreams has finally arrived in her life. If you both survive the car crash.
Good luck, dear!
© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes
